Let me be as a minstrel and sing
A song of truth, one of mayhaps
But nonetheless those in wisdom
Shall accept.
Love touches everyone with its tendrils,
That cruelly satisfying prick in your heart,
That messes around with your mind
As though a babe with a handful of his mother's hair.
But we embrace it, bravely and perhaps stupidly,
Clutching at the faint hope that our love will be returned.
For that is all we can do, wait for acknowledgement
As failure has no toleration here
The price of failure lies too steep.
I had been pricked several times
Fell down the steep hill of failure times a many
But I still clutch at hope, using that single strand to pull me on.
I have succeeded times a few and had rewards a plenty.
So I say to you my fellow men
Waste not your chance
Make the best of what you were blessed with
For when you find The One, you must be prepared.
Don't jump halfheartedly, but gung-ho
Let your love overflow
Paint her heart like a valley in eternal snow
And rewards you shall reap or pay failure a price very steep
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi Jevan13! Please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make, should you deem them unhelpful. That being said, let's get to the review...
My overall opinion:
I am incredibly impressed by your use of vocabulary to write a poetic message of not giving up on a search for love, and not just to keep searching but to take every opportunity "gung-ho" as you put it. It was quite refreshing to read a poem so well-worded that I felt as though I was reading something written at a much earlier date. I applaud you for that!
What I liked:
I love that you described this feeling of love as a "cruelly satisfying prick in your heart". cruelly satisfying indeed.
I love the comparison of love in your mind as an annoyance comparable to a babe grabbing it's mother's hair. very unique comparison and refreshing as I previously said.
The last stanza is my favorite, particular
Very lovely advice, stated in such a poetic way. I hope your message reaches out to those who could use the courage. Happiness and love can only be achieved if we take risks.
And on that note, i love that the final line emphasizes that by jumping into love can end either with "rewards" or "failure".
My suggestions:
There were a few times you used periods or commas, and other times you didn't when it seems their should have been some. Poetry is versatile, but you should definitely either continue using them or not use any at all.
That's all I have for suggestions. Your poem was beautifully written, so much so I definitely re-read it more than once. Such a wonderfully refreshing poem.
I look forward to reading more of your work soon!
Keep writing,
-Katja
Thanks for your review. It was pleasing to me that you found little errors and more positives. I'll aim to produce more good quality work such as this.
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about not letting good opportunities pass us by but to persist in our quest at finding true love. It is always pleasant to read poetry that strives to provide positive advice in an artistic way. I like the imagery of a child annoyingly grabbing his mother’s hair and her efforts to love the child anyway as illustrating the patience necessary for us to take advantage of opportunities sometimes. The writer tells us that he holds on to the strands and that caused me to identify him with the child who is seeking love and trying desperately to hold on to it.
I also like how the poem began with medieval English idioms since it has a unique elegance that our modern English lacks. So I was disappointed when the poem discontinued in that mode.
Favorite line!
Paint her heart a valley in eternal snow
Suggestions
The capitalization of the first letter of each new line interrupted my flow of the read by making me backtrack in order to place the lines in proper semantic context.
The poem sets a medieval mood at the very start via word choices and then changes to modern idioms such as “mess around”. It starts off not rhyming and then suddenly starts rhyming at the end. This drew my attention away from the meaning and focused it on the writer and the style. Meaning was obscured when that happened.
Let me be as a minstrel and sing
[Permit me be as a minstrel and sing.] More poetic.
....messes around.... [This expression goes completely contrary to the medieval style established for the speaker at the outset via the usage of “minstrel” for singer. and “mayhaps”.]
Spelling
Always pass through spell checker:
acknowledgement [acknowledgment]
Punctuation
....but gung-ho
[....but gung-ho!]
....toleration here[.]
....my fellow men[,]
Let your love overflow[.]
Paint her heart like a valley in eternal snow[.]
And rewards you shall reap[,] or pay failure a price very steep[.]
[And rewards you shall reap[,] or pay failure a price very steep.]
That pause is crucial to proper reading of the sentence.
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