Can you hear it?
The crashing of the waves as they break onto the beach.
The chaotic screeching of gulls flying overhead?
Blending in with the rhythm of wind passing through a coconut tree's leaves.
These joyous sounds mix and match to create the perfect outdoor Nirvana,
Calming the mind and soothing one's weary soul.
Can you see it?
The luster, glisten and shine
Of pearls and shells
Enthralling your eyes and enslaving your mind with it's incomprehensible beauty and mystery.
Oh, can't you see it?
The beautiful blue canvas stretching above,
Decorated with giant temperamental balls of cotton that seem comforting to the eyes,
But able to change on a whim, causing the winds to pick up and their serene white to become stained by a tempestuous grey.
They can and I believe they will,
But not on this perfect day.
Can you feel it?
The soft, wispy caress of the wind across your skin.
Ruffling your hair as it blows, causing it to flutter as though a flag in the breeze.
Oh yes I feel this,
The coarse sand under my naked feet, coalesced into a bed, waves as the covers.
It crunches and bites under the soles of my feet,
As it emanates a light heat.
But soon I must leave this paradise, as that canvas of blue will soon be streaked and covered with splashes of sunset.
The sun, the masterful artist that it is, with slow, careful brush strokes, changes the sky into an even more beautiful bit of artwork.
The clouds now share the color of the sky as does the now calming sea.
I now rise from my seat, refreshed and relaxed,
Gazing back for one last time, the screeches and crashes etched into my soul.
I smell the wind once more but it was gone now,
The crisp sea air now replaced by the stagnant musk of ink and paper.
I guess in the end I didn't really see the beach, I didn't hear the crash of the waves neither did I feel the wispy caress of the wind.
so this is written about how getting lost in thought can distract you from the reality or steal you from it?
it is touching, and with every description i added a little more detail to the canvas in my imagination. i am not that great at description so to read something that can actually bring it out, especially since its a poem, without being boring is great. i love the vibes it gives. well done! keep writing <3
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about an imagined experience at an imaginary beach referred to as Nirvana on Earth. I w enjoyed reading about the variety of things happening. The sea, the sky, the trees and sand reminded me of the times that I visited the beach at New York’s Coney Island and the beautiful sunsets I saw at the beach in the Caribbean. The only bird I happened to see near the water at Miami Beach was one very serious and quiet pelican who glided by approx twelve feet over the water as if nothing else existed but himself.
The only experience I had with seagulls was at a parking lot where they had congregated. I fed them bread crumbs out of the kindness of my heart, went shopping and when I returned they had all pooped on my car. So I don’t look at them very kindly since.
The poem asks a very interesting question at the end, Did the reader really experience the things described? Well, one thing to keep in mind is that experiences are merely neuro transmissions within the brain.
https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.10 ... 7-1785-4_2
Our receptors for taste, hearing, touch, smell ad sight are aroused and they send neuro transmissions or sense impressions to the interpretative areas of our brain. The auditory transmissions are translated into sound in the temporal lobe. Taste is processed in the Gustatory cortex. The sight neuro-transmissions are deciphered in the occipital lobes and so on.
Interestingly, imagining what we read also involves neuro-transmissions within the brain.
So the difference must be in the quality.
Suggestions
Capitalization of every first letter of every new line distracted me because it confused me into thinking that a new sentence was starting when it was just a continuation of a previous sentence.
The crisp sea air now replaced by the stagnant musk of ink and paper.
[The crisp sea air replaces the stagnant musk of ink and paper.] The word “by” makes the action passive.
https://webapps.towson.edu/ows/activepass.
The luster, glisten and shine = [redundant] They mean the same thing.
Show don’t tell:
The beautiful blue canvas stretching above,.... [Showing the beauty should be enough. No need to tell the reader it is beautiful.]
Word Repetition
now = 3 times
I now rise from my seat, refreshed and relaxed,
The clouds now share the color of the sky as does the now calming sea. [now]
[I rise from my seat, refreshed and relaxed[.] or [and] The clouds share the color of the sky as does the calming sea.]
But soon I must leave this paradise, as that canvas of blue will soon.... [soon =2]
[But shortly I must leave this paradise, as that canvas of blue will soon....]
wind = 5
But able to change on a whim, causing the winds to pick up and their serene white to become stained by a tempestuous grey.[How do clouds cause wind to pick up?]
I had trouble reconciling the screeching of gulls with a perfect day and Nirvana. A more pleasant sound is needed. IMHO
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about an imagined experience at an imaginary beach referred to as Nirvana on Earth. I w enjoyed reading about the variety of things happening. The sea, the sky, the trees an sand reminded me of the times that I visited the beach at New York’s Coney Island and the beautiful sunsets I saw at the beach in the Caribbean. The only bird I happened to see near the water in Miami beach was one very serious and quiet pelican who glided by approx 12 feet over the water as if nothing else existed but himself.
The only experience I had with seagulls was at a parking lot where they had congregated. I fed them bread crumbs out of the kindness of my heart,went shopping and when I returned they had all pooped on my car. So I don’t look at them very kindly since.
The poem asks a very interesting question at the end, Did the reader really experience the things described? Well, one thing to keep in mind is that experiences are merely neuro transmissions within the brain.
https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.10 ... 7-1785-4_2
Our receptors for taste, hearing, touch, smell ad sight are aroused and they send neuro transmissions or sense impressions to the interpretative areas of our brain. The auditory transmissions are translated into sound in the temporal lobe. Taste is processed in the Gustatory cortex. The sight neuro-transmissions are deciphered in the occipital lobes and so on.
Interestingly, imagining what we read also involves neuro-transmissions within the brain.
So the difference must be in the quality.
Suggestions
Capitalization of every first letter of every new line distracted me because it confused me into thinking that a new sentence was starting when it was just a continuation of a previous sentence.
The crisp sea air now replaced by the stagnant musk of ink and paper.
[The crisp sea air replaces the stagnant musk of ink and paper.] The word “by” makes the action passive.
https://webapps.towson.edu/ows/activepass.
The luster, glisten and shine = [redundant] They mean the same thing.
Show don’t tell:
The beautiful blue canvas stretching above,.... [Showing the beauty should be enough. No need to tell the reader it is beautiful.]
Word Repetition
now = 3 times
I now rise from my seat, refreshed and relaxed,
The clouds now share the color of the sky as does the now calming sea. [now]
[I rise from my seat, refreshed and relaxed[.] or [and] The clouds share the color of the sky as does the calming sea.]
But soon I must leave this paradise, as that canvas of blue will soon.... [soon =2]
[But shortly I must leave this paradise, as that canvas of blue will soon....]
wind = 5
But able to change on a whim, causing the winds to pick up and their serene white to become stained by a tempestuous grey.[How do clouds cause wind to pick up?]
I had trouble reconciling the screeching of gulls with a perfect day and Nirvana. A more pleasant sound is needed. IMHO
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello there.
I loved it!
I'm not good at poetry and I don't understand how it works, so you can go ahead and disregard what I'm about to suggest:
All the lines are absolutely beautiful. They are very, very poetic. It was a breeze to read through it and to imagine the picture that you paint masterfully with words. I loved all the lines, however, this particular one is not as pleasing as the others in my opinion:
The sun, the masterful artist that it is, with slow, careful brush strokes, changes the sky into an even more beautiful bit of artwork.
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