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Hurt by my people

by HHemayed


Rewritten:

Oh dear heart,
don't you cry.
I'll be patient.
I will survive.

They may be cruel.
They may be selfish,
but people could be fools.

They push you aside,
to move on with their lives.
They make you want to fight,
for all your deprived rights.

They litter and contempt, 
and yet remain content.
They make problems worse,
and seek controlling by force.

It's true,
most aren't bad,
but it just makes you sad.

If only I could say it aloud,
"You people need to change!"
Change is allowed.

How can a country change,
when its people haven't?
How can they ask for rights,
which they haven't given?!

Can't they see?
Don't they understand?

You won't get what you want,
unless you work for it.
You can't ask for something,
when you're not fit for it.

So change yourselves.
Build your country.
Make your dreams,
a beautiful reality.

It's all in your hands,
don't say: "who?"
It's you, and you can do it.


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695 Reviews


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Reviews: 695

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Sun May 26, 2013 9:43 pm
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Audy wrote a review...



Hey HHemayed!

I love the progression of this piece to one of doubt and questions and then later it turns and it's an expression of hope and perseverance C: The short lines allow for a quick pace as well, so what you have here reads smoothly and crisply.

They may be cruel.
They may be selfish,
but people could be fools.


Here, I would establish who "they" are, maybe have it read as: People may be cruel to start off as. It becomes clear towards the end of that stanza, but as a reader, I had to backtrack and you definitely don't want for your readers to backtrack.

They litter and contempt,
and yet remain content.


I love the slant rhyme above, the contempt/content has a really excellent sound and it doesn't sound as forced as the next two lines that proceed it with worse/force. When someone is controlling, they are already being forceful, so it becomes a bit superfluous to say that they're controlling by force.

Overall, a well thought out progression.

~ as always, Audy




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Points: 290
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Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:05 pm
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BreBre says...



This is a good poem.




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72 Reviews


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Thu Apr 11, 2013 10:14 am
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GrapeNerd wrote a review...



I love this, I love this so much. I love how accurate this poem was. It may not be REALLY accurate, but it's true.

You won't get what you want,
unless you work for it.
You can't ask for something,
when you're not fit for it.

^ This stanza is actually quite accurate in this world.

They may be cruel.
They may be selfish,
but people could be fools.

^ So is this one.

So change yourselves.
Build your country.
Make your dreams,
a beautiful reality.

^ I found myself really liking this stanza. It shows how people can make big differences whether it be good or bad.

It's all in your hands,
don't say: "who?"
It's you, and you can do it.

^This is one is my favorite. Seriously. KEEP WRITING.




HHemayed says...


Many thanks. :) :)



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13 Reviews


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Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:02 am
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imyourdensity wrote a review...



I feel so lucky being the first to critique this.
I was wondering why no one else had yet till I looked at the date (teehee).

I'll get the nitpicks out of the way, so I can gush about why I love this poem. :3

"They may be cruel.
They may be selfish,
but I will stay alive."

I think the second stanza threw me off the 'flow' a little bit, after I read the first stanza.
Maybe another line could've been added. Unless this was on purpose, idk.

"They throw garbage, everywhere,
and if you ask them to pick it up,
they say: "where?""

This confused me a little when I first read it, though I completely know what you meant.
I think that last line just looked a little funny to me the first time through.

"It's true,
most aren't bad,
but most of them,
make you sad."

Again with the 'flow' of this stanza, not quite fitting the rhythm of your poem.

"It's all in your hands,
don't say: "who?"
It's you, and you can do it."

Not quite sure about that ending for some reason.

"They push you aside,
to move on with their life."

Wouldn't it be 'lives' instead of 'life'?
- okay enough of that, now on to the awesomeness.

"If only I could say it aloud,
"You people need to change!"
Change is allowed."

This sentence made me question my review a bit,
"Who cares if one stanza doesn't fit the flow?" it kinda pointed out to me.

If only everyone would take that last line seriously... my teachers especially.

"How can a country change,
when its people haven't?
How can they ask for rights,
which they haven't given?!"

This stanza was like silk through my fingers, definitely the payoff line in this poem for me.
Cuz it's just so damn true.

"You won't get what you want,
unless you work for it.
You can't ask for something,
when you're not fit for it."

You've got me singing your praises at this point of the poem.
Independence vs Laziness. My daily trial.

It's a really inspiring stanza, I hope you know that.
I should put it up on my wall... or facebook status~

You should write a speech for Obama, lol.

"So change yourselves.
Build your country.
Make your dreams,
a beautiful reality."

Nooo message, could've been any clearer~
If you wanna make the world, a better place,
take a look at yourself and make that-

Yeah, I went there.
Props to M.J for that corny quote I just pulled and props to you for letting me use it.
Keep writing and keep me posted on your posts so I can post more helpful posts on your posts...... post.
density//




HHemayed says...


:D :D :D Wow! What a review. :) Many thanks.




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