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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I really liked the line, "why can't you come with the tide?" I thought it was really clever. However, the structure of your poem is odd in the way you break your lines that could be one into two. For example: "Is there something, that I can do?" I mean, you can do whatever you want it's poetry! But another poetic "weapon" so to speak is a caesura - some sort of pausing in the middle of a line usually shown by spacing, period, comma, etc. I feel like you're already making use of it, but you're just not connecting the lines into one. That's just my opinion, and you can do whatever you want; that's the beauty of creative writing!
I can see you're trying but I'll say you can improve. While I see the budding poet in you in every line of this poem, something's missing. And I believe you can fill that missing part. Give your words a direction.
"before I re-cry"
"re-cry" sounds real bad, honestly. Why not "before I cry again"? Don't be led by making words rhyme. Poetry doesn't need to rhyme. I think you know that already.
"Every time I look up to the sky,
I see their beautiful faces,"
I like the imagery you've used in these lines.
Keep writing, you can write better!
I really appreciate your review and I completely agree with you, but sadly I don't find myself in good condition to improve it. I haven't written anything worth reading since last year -unfortunately. I just wish I could get myself to write more often. Practice makes perfect.
Thanks again!