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Roaming words

by HHemayed


We hear it everywhere.
It's something people,
love to share.

Whether big or small,
rumours they spread,
and rumours,
can make you fall.

So don't pay attention,
to the words they say.
Don't let it weaken you.
Try not to fall.

And when the truth,
stands out,
we will gladly shout.
"Thank you GOD!
Thank you GOD!"








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Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:14 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there.
At first, I thought this poem was about something like "good news" or a sweet motto or something like that, but suddenly yer talking about rumors? This needs expansion. And it needs less rhyme.

I've said it so many times, but I'll say it again, that in most cases, rhyme just serves to hamper the real message you wanted to get across with your poem. Please at least try a little free style? What does it mean for a rumor to be big? What does it mean for one to be small? The content of the rumor or how far it has spread? Clarify.

How do rumors make you fall? Really? We have to get some emotion in here, other than the passionate ending. We have to feel the depths of despair that rumors can bring us to for us to really value the ecstatic release you've served us at the end. That means showing us what a rumor is and what it doe and how it is insidious. How hard it is to stay strong, and what the temptations are to get weak.

Only by taking that journey with us will we shout thank you GOD with you.

Get closer to the matter, not farther. Take us in.
Keep writing, good luck, and let me know if you have any questions.




HHemayed says...


Thanks. :) I agree with you.



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Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:40 am
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Demeter wrote a review...



Hi there, HHemayed!

When I skimmed this through quickly, I wasn't sure whether I would like it very much, but when I read it properly, I found that this was actually pretty cool! You've used quite simple words and not really much imagery, but still there's something intriguing about this - I think the ending does it. :)

The first thing that I paid attention to was the length of the stanzas. The first one has three lines, the second and the third have four, and the fourth one has five lines. There is no rule as to how long/symmetrical poems and stanzas should be, of course, but it's just something I paid attention to - especially the shortness of the first one. It looks somehow incomplete, like it's missing something, so I'm not sure whether I like it that much. However, with the fifth one, I didn't even realise at first that it was longer than the others.

I liked the few rhymes you had here, but I was kind of left wishing for more! I like rhyming poetry so much and even if the rhymes aren't the main focus, like they aren't here, I feel like rhyming makes a poem more interesting. I enjoy reading a poem more if it rhymes, or maybe even if there are no rhymes, but the rhythm is perfect. So, I think you could even add some rhymes, for example in the third stanza which now lacks them.

The third one was my least favourite, because it had those imperatives and short, choppy sentences. I think you have to be a bit careful of those in a poem and only put them somewhere they make an effect, because otherwise the rhythm of the poem can really be disturbed.

The last stanza is my favourite, I think! I was just wondering why "God" is in capitals?

Hope this helped! See you around!


Demeter
x




HHemayed says...


Thanks. :D



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Fri Dec 07, 2012 5:22 pm
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GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hello, Double H. ^_^

We hear it everywhere.
It's something people,
love to share.

First, I believe the punctuation in this first stanza is a little imprudent, for the comma after "people" shouldn't exist. Second, I think the beginning is rather weak and it isn't as catchy as it should and could be. Actually, to tell you the truth it gives the impression that you are about to spread some gossip.

Whether big or small,
rumours they spread,
and rumours,
can make you fall.

This stanza is definitely better than the first one. Although, I feel like the last word kills the flow of the poem. I mean, an example of a word that would keep this smooth would be one like "fail". Although, when the fancy word you find has nothing to do with the poem, you should feel obligated to mend, mix, and mingle everything, until it sounds like melted chocolate inside a pot... Yeah, I know I'm weird. Lol.

So don't pay attention,
to the words they say.
Don't let it weaken you.
Try not to fall.

This part is rather boring. That is what my grandmother would say if I was asking for an advice. Now, it's not what you said, but how you said it. What I'm trying to say is that it would be nice if you could express it in other words. Take us to your word. Be creative!

And when the truth,
stands out,
we will gladly shout.
"Thank you GOD!
Thank you GOD!"

This one is okay. I actually don't have much to say. Except that there should be a comma before "God".

Overall, your poem is okay. It has potential, but there is no doubt that it could be better with effort. Something that is unforgettable. :)

Honestly,
Sol<3




HHemayed says...


Thank you. :)



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Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:12 am
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Arcticus says...



This time, you've made something ring out of the poem. Way to go!




HHemayed says...


Really?!Thanks!:D




Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
— Dr. Seuss