I heard death speak a name,
not a friend,not a foe,
but someone I do know.
Should I say or should I not?
What if death hears the thought?!
If you want to know,
then I'll say fast then go.
It's my mom,
or maybe my bro.
I'm not quite sure;
because his voice was low.
Yet there is one thing I'm sure of.
Both of them deserve it,
for they gave me no care,no love.
I've only seen pain
and lies,
over and over again.
I hope he or she dies.
Maybe I should stop,
do they really deserve it?
Why don't we just reach a compromise?!
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139,331 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Thank you guys! That was very encouraging, although I think it was wrong to write it, but anger boiled in my head. I really must control it. Thanks again.
Phew! That was blazing with anger. Nice intensity, I'll say. It was deep in its feelings and definitely very well written. Loved it!
Hello HHemayed,
This part here wasn't to bad with the rhyming aspect, which could contribute to the fact that this was definitely my favorite stanza out of the four that were in your poem. If there is one thing in this poem that I would be defiant about not changing it would be this part.I like the feel of this poem, it was thoughtfully written and you can tell how it is meant to make the reader feel. It was really angry and dark and so full of rage yet at the same time it seemed, beautiful and lovely and almost, in a way kind of soothing when you read it. It was really emotional and you tried to make it as powerful as possible whilst at the same time you expressed exactly how you felt in just a small section of writing. Which was really quite amazing and I am amazed at how good this was and now I have a couple of things for you to consider.
Firstly, I hate to say this but in my honest opinion I really don't think the rhyming worked in this poem. An example of it being quite unsuccessful is in the second stanza. I think your problem with the rhyming is mainly due to the fact that you keep trying to rhyme one word three times. Perhaps if you had decided to avoid grouping the stanzas in lines of three or you had just left out rhyming all together it might have been better. I just think it gets in the way of the fantastic poem that you have written.
I can't really find any flaws in your grammar and editing skills, they are both very good and you have kept a very nice consistency throughout your poem for example your repeat the '?!' at the end of this line and the very last line of your poem, which I think is a really neat touch to to your poem. Overall this was really good and if you would ever like another review I'm sure you can find a way to get in touch with me, it would be a pleasure.
From DreamingForever
I love the feeling of the poem. You can definitely tell you in quite the mood of rage and/or hatred. Anyways, I loved it. You're a great poet. And a very smart coper. (x You'd rather write a poem than punch a wall. Great job.
Wow. I really liked it. It was dark, but lovely! So much emotion tumbled out of the poem! Dark emotion! And it was lovely! I really liked it. How your anger flowed through to the reader and they almost began to feel in your shoes. Anyway I saw nothing wrong with the poem. It was almost flawless and I love, love loved it!
Ps- If you need anymore critiquing or anything else just message me or something!
-Hayley
Pps- Poetry is a great way to vent, huh? I feel the same way about people.. family.. all the time and so I just write! If you need anything just message me!
Keep writing you do a wonderful job!
I love the passion and intensity of it, and how you seemed to change your mind towards the end; specifically, the last two stanzas.
Also, the rhyme scheme of your second stanza, that was creative and eased the flow. Nicely done.
Angry and beautiful, that's a lovely poem.
I liked how you started with the metaphors about death and got to the real 'issue' only after
I heard death speak a name,
not a friend,not a foe,
but someone I do know.
Should I say or should I not?
What if death hears the thought?!
I loved this one the most, the first line is genius.
Waiting for your next poem.
I'm not quite sure if I used (compromise) right,so please comment.