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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Some of the parts are good but others have a lot of awry tenses and little mistakes in them. As a critic, my duty is to point 'em out mercilessly
:
"which means I'm almost there" : "which meant I was almost there"
"of nature calls and animal peeps" : I don't like the phrase "animal peeps" :/
"for the blessings and astonishing knack" : "knack" is not quite the right word to use. Something like 'artistry' would've made sure you're talking about 'God'
Just keep in mind that the words really matter, they can make your poem beautiful but they can spoil it as well. No matter how good the message or the idea of a poem is, it does not captivate without the right choice of words. You've written better poems before, and you can write better in the future iA.
Regards
S.
This is a beautiful piece. It makes me feel calm yet happy. Keep up the good work!
A very peaceful and beautifully crafted piece here, HHemayed. It's stanzas have a nice rythym to them. It is very clear that you spent a lot of time on this, and put in a lot of thought to what you write.
One slight issue, the stanza where it says:
"Then I breathed deeply, as a falcon passed by
it flew so swiftly, then disappeared in the sky"
The word 'dissappeared' doesn't fit as smoothly as I think it should.
Perhaps, 'vanished into'?
Apart from that, a very touching piece. Please tell me when you write more poetry, because you're a natural!
Peregrine
Many thanks.
I really appreciate it!
Hmm I can't fined anything wrong here nice work.
Thanks.