unexpressed thoughts and silent tears
i tell her to leave me alone
“i hate you,” i say
“i know,” she says
she can’t comprehend feelings
she can’t comprehend words
she can’t comprehend reason
she can’t comprehend me
judgmental sighs and continuous chatter
i sit and stare out of the window
wondering what it all adds up to
i play a cd to shut her up
“are you listening to me?”
i don’t know
“why are you so irritated?”
i don’t know
i can’t comprehend feelings
i can’t comprehend words
i can’t comprehend reason
i can’t comprehend her
i feel so
small
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139,785 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
i love this so much
That's so nice! Thank you!
i like your writing style. it kind of reminds me of mine but at the same time i kind of feel like it's not. idk haha
This is Kaos here for a review!
The first line doesn't really seem to relate to the rest of the stanza and rather felt like it was just used to start off the poem. In a way it does, but it doesn't connect that well to the next three lines as they're more in a narrative form or they use a lot of "i" in them. Which leads on to say that I liked the fact that you didn't capitalize things, as it helped made the poem feel smaller and affects how the reader will read the poem, so good job on that. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the simplicity of the second through fourth lines and it felt like that was all you needed there.
My only thing with them is that they kind of jump in without being explained or, the reader doesn't know much about what you're talking about. I thought you could have done more to show more later in the poem, because I don't think you should put more stuff in front of or in the first stanza.
Urrggh. If you had more in the poem I wouldn't really have a problem with the repetitiveness of this and then the stanza where it all starts with "i". I thought that you had a lack of punctuation in the poem. Just because you don't capitalize doesn't mean you should necessarily avoid punctuation. It would help the flow of the lines because some of it feels like it needs a comma here or there to make it sound smoother. One suggestion I do have for one of these two stanzas is to change "comprehend" to "understand" or something along the lines of that so that there's a slight change in the lines if you're going to keep these two stanzas here. And if you're going to keep one of the stanzas, I strongly suggest keeping the other as well as they're a sort of pair.
One of the things that I felt this poem could use is some form of imagery. It feels bare-boned in that, it has structure, but it doesn't really have any strong metaphors or descriptions to go along with that. There are so many things that you could be doing with feeling small. Things like feeling like you're too small in your own head and your eyes are prison bars, or something that isn't just straightforward and talking.
The third line feels like a great place to add a period and I actually think that if you added punctuation to the poem it would be stronger than it is now, but it's really your choice on it. I'm saying to have some here and there and you don't have to have it here, even adding commas but not using periods would help it out. This is because the third and fourth line in this stanza aren't directly connected to each other.
This was probably the weakest part of the poem for me as it just went back to quotes. This is a place that I say you could add some form of imagery because the poem is about to end and then you can end it off with your small last line(s) and it would be a good place to put it in as the stanza already here doesn't really serve a purpose that wasn't already needed. It felt repetitive in the sense that you already got the message of that part of the poem got the message across, now you just need to carry it out and take it home.
Didn't really prefer this ending and I thought it could have been something stronger and something that was less predictable than what's here now. This could go along with the second to last stanza and we don't really get the explanation of why you feel so small here. You can tell me that you feel small in the poem but I won't believe you until you express it in the poem that you feel small. This is on the same lines of saying, "I am sad." without giving an explanation as to why you are sad. I got the gist that you feel small due to the other person that appears to the poem but it needed more to it than just that.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thank you! I really needed this.
Hi there! Rose here for a lil review along with my personal opinion on your work.
This poem screams a lot of emotion, in my perspective at least. It shows anger you feel towards another person, it shows the confused feeling the narrator feels, and it shows how it's sometimes really hard to understand another person. It is a short poem that captures a meaning, which is something I love.
There isn't much wrong with the poem. I like the style of it and you used the cutting of the lines and division of the stanzas to show a change of feelings/emotions pretty well. You also used italics when needed and quotes when needed.
One thing I would recommend though and re-reading it to find any mistakes. I noticed a constant of lowercase "i" which will catch people off guard because sometimes it doesn't automatically capitalize it for us as we thought. Along with capitalizing "i", I would suggest you capitalize the beginning of a sentence. To follow up on the sentence part, you used no commas or periods which threw me off when reading it. It seemed as if it was just a really long run off sentence. Remember: this is literature and grammar must be used even if it is something as simple as a small poem. It helps the reader, the reviewer, and the writer themselves to maintain a good habit of checking for grammar/punctuation in future works.
Besides the simple common mistakes stated above, overall I enjoyed reading your poem and I like the concept of it. I have read many poems about happiness and sadness and this was the first poem I have read dealing with anger and being confused, good job!
That's it for my review. Glad to know you are out of writers block haha. Keep up the good work and have a good day!
Thank you for the review!
Small note to deeproses, not meaning to offend or anything, but I do agree with you that the poem would benefit with some form of punctuation, but it really is a stylistic choice along with the capitalization of the poem because poetry doesn't necessarily have to abide to the rules of grammar rules all the time. Kind of felt the need to clear that up since I see people saying that a lot but it isn't true, if you have any more questions, feel free to PM me or contact me!