A Shoulder To Cry On

I can relate to this. Somewhat.

I read this and that one line from Ender's Game came into my head.

Hey Jupiter,

Oh my goodness, this is beautiful. <3 Although it IS a very common theme, like the others mentioned in the comments, it is also a very prevalent concept in today's society. You shouldn't feel discouraged to write something just because it isn't a completely unique idea. After all, everyone has a special approach and/or view. Even if you lined up all the poems on loneliness together no two would be exactly alike. Each one would be unique, just like the author. Ugh, sorry, now I'm rambling . Back to your poem . . . my favorite stanza has got to be "Just because I cry/ when others cry/ but no one cries/ when I cry." I love the rhythm and repetitiveness of this! Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! I have one suggestion for it though: to throw the reader a little and draw their attention I would probably break up the repetition on the last line. I might say something like "Just because I cry/ when others cry/ but no one cries/ with me." But again, that's only what I would do, and I already discussed the variance in the opinions of different writers.

Another thing, one word that pops up in your poem every once in a while but doesn't seem to fit is the word dumb. The eloquence and beauty throughout the poem establishes a sort of tone that the word dumb just doesn't fit in. In the fourth stanza a better word might be "foolish." In the twelfth stanza it might be replaceable with a word like "worthless." Anyway, just throwing out a few ideas for you.

Another stanza I love, "Well then allow me to rephrase it for you/ I need a shoulder to cry on/ and my tears cannot reach my own shoulder". Ah, so true. Thank you so much for pouring out your feelings and letting me see them. I know how hard it is to do that. This poem, crying out for someone to be there for you, was so true, so heartfelt, so honest. It almost brought me to tears, and it made me want to pull you into a great, big hug. *hugs* Welcome to YWS Jupiter. Us thirteen-year-olds have got to stick together, right?

Keep writing,
Joy

Hi, Mahnoor here for a review.
A very good concept (very common though). Nicely explained. Although, I believe that it could have been much better. All in all, I found three things in your poem that can be improved:

(1)Language- Poems are all about the placement and the choice of words you use. Your topic is good, you could have made it more influential, deep and impactful with the use of correct words.
(2)Too descriptive- Sometimes, to take your readers "with" you in a poem or in a writing generally, you have to leave things to their imagination, a hanging sentence here, or a mysterious line there could give your work a reverberation, and a sense of ardency.
(3)Too blunt- As I read through your poem, I found myself just reading and scrolling down, it somehow lacked the content required to engage a reader. So, as I wrote earlier that your poem was "too descriptive", which ultimately left it looking like a blunt piece of writing than a poem.

Nevertheless, I really appreciate the way you think, and you have the potential to become a better writer. You just have to work on your language. Believe me, your choice of words and the way you use them can make a lot of difference.
I'll be looking forward to more of your writings
Good luck and keep writing!

Hi, Mahnoor here for a review.
A very good concept (very common though). Nicely explained. Although, I believe that it could have been much better. All in all, I found three things in your poem that can be improved:

(1)Language- Poems are all about the placement and the choice of words you use. Your topic is good, you could have made it more influential, deep and impactful with the use of correct words.
(2)Too descriptive- Sometimes, to take your readers "with" you in a poem or in a writing generally, you have to leave things to their imagination, a hanging sentence here, or a mysterious line there could give your work a reverberation, and a sense of ardency.
(3)Too blunt- As I read through your poem, I found myself just reading and scrolling down, it somehow lacked the content required to engage a reader. So, as I wrote earlier that your poem was "too descriptive", which ultimately left it looking like a blunt piece of writing than a poem.

Nevertheless, I really appreciate the way you think, and you have the potential to become a better writer. You just have to work on your language. Believe me, your choice of words and the way you use them can make a lot of difference.
I'll be looking forward to more of your writings
Good luck and keep writing!

Hey.

Umm, I liked the idea, the whole concept. But it's too used up now, use something unique. And I think it wouldn't bring readers to literally care for the poet, make them care, use lines that are very effective.

I'm not so good at poems myself, but I do know how the readers will react. So there, I simply scrolled and read it, but that shouldn't be the case because readers won't go into depth and it'll just be okay-ish.

I suggest, use stronger, impacting words. Something that sets deep into our minds.

Keep writing and stay blessed.

xoxo

Take people down with you? Good idea.