Hey, Dad.
~
I could’ve been born in a worse place,
I could’ve been born right during the time of anarchy.
But I wasn't.
~
I was born into a small apartment,
being spun around in your big office chair,
awkwardly running around and bumping my head into walls.
~
I played with toys.
I was tickled, burped,
and loved.
~
I grew a bit.
Telling lie after lie,
I remembered all those repressed memories.
~
I was a fool.
But I got better.
I grew older with you, and grew even more fond of you.
~
I grew a bit more.
I was taught many life lessons and told many stories.
I was taught to ask permission and not have a foul mouth.
~
I could’ve dishonored you.
I considered it.
But I didn’t.
~
And if it weren’t for how amazing you raised me,
I would’ve.
But I didn’t.
~
And after all this time,
Loving you more and more every year later,
All I have to say is,
~
Hey, Dad.
I love you.
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139,785 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
I love the heart that was put into this piece. I found it hard to read though, as the rhythm of the piece was kind of choppy. I love the sentiment and honesty of it though. Like camillefalgout said be wary of your tenses!! This was overall a great read that I enjoyed.
Also, I love the imagery used in the phrases. They painted a picture of a loving father with a son who, though he made mistakes, was overall adoring of his father. I can tell a lot of time was put into this and it was enjoyed greatly.
Not a son, the character in the story is me.
I know. I was referring to you... but an overall good story.
(and I'm sorry it posted my review so many times. It was a glitch.)
And you should go check out my short story Listen to My Heart. <3
Sure! And I'm female.
OMG!!!!!! I am soooooo sorry!!!! I didn't mean to offend you or anything. I just imagined the character writing this that way! I feel so bad! Sorry :/
No worries, I'm not horribly offended. I honestly couldn't care less what gender I was.
I love the heart that was put into this piece. I found it hard to read though, as the rhythm of the piece was kind of choppy. I love the sentiment and honesty of it though. Like camillefalgout said be wary of your tenses!! This was overall a great read that I enjoyed.
Also, I love the imagery used in the phrases. They painted a picture of a loving father with a son who, though he made mistakes, was overall adoring of his father. I can tell a lot of time was put into this and it was enjoyed greatly.
Hey there, Jupiter! racket here to review your poem.
All I can say is, I can totally relate. Just kidding, that is not all I can say, but yeah, this is really good. I think it's really sweet of you to write something like this for your dad... and so well done too! Good job! (Did you show it to him?)
I have a few suggestions, though I think it is fine the way it is. You did really capture the emotions well.
My first suggestion would be, well, it's more of something I noticed, was that you have stanzas of three lines, but the first line almost always feels separate, like it should be on its own. I would suggest changing a lot of those periods that end the first lines in your stanzas to commas. I went through your poem, and it works well in every spot, if you change a word here and there. I think it would be worth it to change them, though, as the commas would make the poem flow better within itself.
I would suggest here changing the first period to a comma, taking out the 'I' in the second line and also taking out the 'and' in the third line. Also, capitalize the third line. That's the only spot in the whole poem you missed in that department. So, it would look like this
Just a bit more dramatic.
I really love this stanza. I think everyone can relate, whether they dishonored or not, but you do make it seem like a choice here, and that's all it is, isn't it? The choice to disobey. Yeah, so, favorite stanza right here. Just change that first period to a comma and you're set.
I would also change that comma there to a period.
That's it! That's all I've got in the way of suggestions, so good job! Again, awesome poem. I really love how it's a salute to your father. I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work in the future! Keep up the great work!
~racket
Thank you very much for the review! I'll take all these suggestions into account, and use them in the future. And I do plan on showing this to my dad, he does a lot for me.
You're welcome!
This poem is very heartfelt. I like how you wrote it as almost a tribute to him, but you still incorporate yourself into it. I also love how you keep the same format throughout the piece. One suggestion is remember to keep your tenses the same (I have trouble with that too, do not worry!) For example: Do not put telling and taught in the same piece because they are two different tenses. Overall the poem is very nice, keep up the good work!!
Thanks! And I've seen others make the same mistake with the tenses, but thanks for pointing that out, I need to remember that for myself.
And you should go check out my short story Listen to My Heart. <3