I hear the wind whistle,
On this clear day,
It forms a storm,
right away
~
I see my father,
look up to the sky,
and drops of fire,
fall down from up high
~
I smell the smoke,
and 1000 cries,
1000 cries,
pleading for mercy
~
I am not hit,
I only see,
my family melt away,
right before me
~
And now I understand,
I was never there for them,
when they needed me,
but they were there for me,
I now see
~
I want to undo,
I cannot go back,
I cannot calm these 1000 cries,
roaring into my ears
~
These 1000 cries,
And a million tears,
I was wrong,
I admit now
~
I was wrong,
And I will avenge these 1000 cries,
and a million tears,
I will show you,
I can once again do what is right.
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hello there! cleverclogs here for a Review Day review!
First of all: I know that this is poetry, but I'd really like it if you either a) spelled out "1000" like "one thousand" or b) at least put a comma in there to make it "1,000". If you do either of those, it will make it look more professional. Sorry, but that was something that bugged me throughout the poem.
Your poem starts like it's going to be a rhyming poem, and for the first two stanzas it follows a rhyme scheme. What happened to the rest? If you're going to have a rhyme scheme, I'd suggest sticking with it for the whole poem. Also, a few of your rhymes seemed a bit forced. Like,
The line "right away" seemed like it was tacked on just to form a good rhyme. Also,
The line "I now see" also is very forced and unnecessary. Your poem would work better as a free verse, now that I think of it.
I liked the content of the poem. At first it was very tragic and regretful, and it fit your description too. At the end it took on a determined note, which was a great way to end the poem.
The metaphor was pretty well-thought out, and I liked your repetition of "1000 (or one thousand or 1,000, as I prefer) cries" throughout the poem. The vocabulary was alright; I feel like it could be a bit more impressive. This poem is just missing something, and I think it's figurative language. If you throw in a few similies, more imagery, or other poetic devices, this poem could be a lot less bland and a lot more fun to read.
Overall, good start, but I think it could use some work. 6/10 from me. Keep on writing!
Hello xJupiter! CHRISSY321 here with a great review to a personal friend!
***Happy Review Day!***:D
I just loved this poem! It was very sad though. I have a question thug, was the 'fire raining down' like from a volcano? It is this only thing that mad sense to me. One thing that really spoke out to me was the fact where the term '1000 cries' This is great because it really hits home. And the fact that it is the title, that is great.
I have to be honest, you just did so good with this! There really is nothing for me to do but say what parts I loved! I see no mistakes, and that is a wonderful thing!
ok, I fibbed, one tiny thing I would change
"I was wrong,
And I will avenge these 1000 cries,
and a million tears,"
I would just take out the 'and' other than that, that was actually one of my favorite lines!
Overall this was greatly written! yay! I shall read more from you my friend!
The fire raining down was a metaphor for how I felt I was no good to my family. And thank you!
No prob!
Hi, xJupiter. Well, I am here for a review. So, let's not waste any further time and start reviewing this cute poem of yours.
Please note that whatever I say is what I think it should be. Our thinking pattern and style is different so you have the right to ignore whatever I say. And kindly don't take any criticism negatively. Thanks
The wind whistle? What does that mean? Just left me a little confused there.
drops? I did hear about drops of water or anything liquid! But drops of fire or gas? Didn't make any sense to me again.
Repetition!! In your third stanza! That shouldn't be like this. Don't use the same phrase, even if it is super important, over and over again.
Your sixth and seventh stanzas are amazing. The rhymes, the meaning they carry, everything about it seemed so good. Terrific work there!
The ending could have been better. You see? You are telling that everything's gone now and you are unable to help anyone. Then what exactly "right" will you do now?
Also, the use of punctuation. Goodness me! You just used the commas so much. Try it in a different way. An excess of everything is bad - even books! So, try not to use one thing too many times. It will ruin your amazing poem.
I also noticed you not using periods after the end of your stanza. Why so? Was that on purpose and, if yes, why?
Overall, this was really deep and amazing. I really loved it. Apart from a few errors here and there, it was beautiful. Keep writing such awesome poems!!
I love this poem. I think people can learn from this. I also like that it has a rhyme scheme. I also thick that the repetition is a good thing. The rhyme scheme is a b b c. Nice writing. Great job! It is hard to review on because it is so perfect. Bye!