A simple human,
in a simple world,
where things are beautiful,
and never wrong,
~
becomes something catastrophic,
in the blink of an eye,
your friends, your village,
shattered into pieces,
~
she walks to your door,
you tell her to go,
but she says,
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
~
her grip is firm,
she tells you,
“Open the door,”
but you slam it closed,
~
she grabs onto the chain,
and pulls it up,
she carries a syringe,
who knows what it’s for?
~
you push her away,
out of the door,
she stands out in the rain,
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
~
the shadow will remain behind you,
endlessly apologizing,
until you forgive it,
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
~
she grabs a bat,
and breaks your windows,
she grabs the syringe,
she pulls it close,
~
“I’m sorry,”
She says with one final breath,
“but it is you now,
who will claw out your throat.”
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139,785 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
Well. That must have been at least a slightly unnerving experience for you. O.o Now I'm wondering what made your brain make that up... XD
I like it! I appreciate your lack of capitalization, and the girl/character/demon/thing was weird in a perfectly unnerving way. The syringe is a nice touch, though it is still making me wonder what happened to you that you were dreaming about being stabbed at with a syringe by a demon girl that apologizes excessively for making you go suicide...
I've only got a few things that should be fixed and/or are just suggestions. The first one is that you missed two spots in your un-capitalizing pattern. The 'a' that starts the whole thing and the 'she' in the second line of the last stanza. Good job with the stanzas, by the way. I do appreciate those.
You have a heck of a lot of commas! XD At some point, there is a little too much in the punctuation department, so I would take out a few of the commas that are at the ends of lines. I would suggest reading aloud the poem/story and looking for the spots that really require a pause, and taking out the rest.
Also, a few of your stanzas deserve periods at the end. Not all of them, but the ends of paragraphs two, four, six, and seven at least.
And, I think that's it! Good job on your slightly creepy dream/poem/story/thing! XD I did enjoy reading and reviewing this. Keep up the great writing! I hope you sleep better as well.
~racket
Hey there, I'm here for a quick review!
So, I don't really understand this poem, but that might just be because you apparently based it off of a dream and dreams don't make very much sense. XD
So this review will pretty much be me pointing out word choice that either doesn't flow well or doesn't make sense.
Formatting
You might want to single-space this - then you could get rid of all the tildes between the stanzas. You can do that by pressing "shit+enter" after every line instead of just "enter." Then, when you want to make a new stanza, you just press "enter." Kind of counter-intuitive, I know, but that's how it works.
Individual Things
If you were to write this as a sentence, it would be: "A simple human, in a simple world, where things are beautiful and never wrong, becomes something catastrophic in the blink of an eye." This wording makes it sound like the human is the one who changed and became catastrophic, not the world. You may want to re-word that.
This line doesn't flow very well. It's just too many complicated syllables. Try re-wording it to slightly simpler language that flows better.
I like the idea behind this, and it could be properly chilling, but it tells too much, and the last two lines don't flow all that well, undermining the whole stanza.
Overall
Like I said at the beginning, I don't really understand this poem, but it looks like the beginnings of a fine horror story. Really, it's main problem is that the words and flow are rather bland. Poetry is built on imagery, metaphor, and other literary techniques. Most of the time, it's what makes or breaks the poem. So tease some imagery out of here. Describe the atmosphere. Think - what could the syringe mean, metaphorically? And if that means it strays a bit from what your dream actually was, that's perfectly fine and probably a good thing. Your dream may have given you the germ of an idea, but it's up to you to flesh it out into a really compelling poem, rather than just narrating what happened.
Anyway, I hope this review will prove helpful to you. If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and good luck with your writing!
Hello Stegosaurus here for a (first) review!
I like this poem- deeply so since I could relate to how the author is relating. We all have bad dreams that make us feel horrible and we have demons that try to escape once in a while. It seems to show emotion, and thought throughout the poem- especially in the beginning. This review maybe short since I don't know how to review (How do I review??)
To the little things in this poem, I can see some- little- things that could be fixed (some would call them as nitpicks, I call them as helpful hints.)
Onward to reviewing this lovely piece:
I feel the stanza or lines in this poem are a bit long for it (however most poems have that type of style so you can chose to keep it). Also some of lines seem a bit force or not place right
Hopefully this made sense (this is my first review so sorry if it doesn't make sense).
Keep Writing!
Steggy
Hi xJupiter!
Nice idea for this poetry!
1."becomes something catastrophic,
in the blink of an eye"
Is it you who becomes catastrophic or is it the world, it's confusing.
2."she walks to your door,
you tell her to go"
I think it could be:"you tell to go away"
3."her grip is firm,
she tells you,
“Open the door,”
but you slam it closed,"
My personal question- what's she gripping? (Sorry If I am being mean!! I mean it's not so clear)
4.The philosophy is fascinating though! Really nice!
But I think the last verse calls for something more! But I get it your dream ended (you woke up) and you dont know what happens next, but it makes less sense and I think you can creat a short story from the current poem, I mean a story through rhythmic language or poetry, so good luck!
Hope I didnt freak you out, sorry if I did! Well bye keep up doing good work! Bye!
~Meherazul16
She's gripping the door handle, sorry it wasn't clear! <3