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Conquest of Shadows Chapter 12

by FlamingPhoenix


The crisp night air blew past Richard’s face as he and Thunder neared the canyon, the entrance dark and menacing, the sudden feeling of hope washed over Richard as he entered, would he find anything that would lead him closer to his brother in the darkness, or would everything his parents had left behind be gone? Thunder whinnied as the wind began to get rougher, his black main blowing around his face.

Pulling on the rains Richard brought Thunder to a stop. Jumping off of his back Richard walked through the canyon leading Thunder behind him.

Silence surrounded them as they walked, only the sound of hooves against rock could be heard echoing along the stone walls.

Richard didn’t know how much time had passed before he saw a wooden stable up ahead, the hay and water old from years of being neglected. Fastening Thunders rains to one of the many wooden poles, Richard looked around for a staircase leading up into the ravine walls, once one was found Richard didn't waste any time ascending it. Once at the top he was greeted with a rather shocking sight, pulling himself to his feet Richard looked over the old desks that seemed to be all over the room, mounds of paper and books covering the exteriors all covered in dust.

Walking up to the closest table Richard reached for a piece of paper the dust flying off its surface with the motion forming a small cloud.

Coughing, Richard wiped the paper with his hand allowing the small words to be seen. Skimming over the words Richard lifts an eyebrow, this was his father’s handwriting.

This is day three, and so far nothing. The king's palace is heavily guarded twenty-four seven and I don't see any way we can get in. There is one choice but that is too risky, and I will have to do further research on it.

On the upside, we did take a guard hostage today, his not willing to talk, but time will hopefully get to him.

Thomas Ashbrook.

Richard slowly places the paper back on the table. How long had they been studying the King? Where all the paper notes left by his father? Richard walked over to the desk next to his fathers, the books neatly stacked on one another, and the paper all in one pile with a stone on top to keep it down. Richard laughed to himself when he saw a portrait of him and his brother on the table, both of them were covered in mud but seemed to be happy.

Moving on, Richard removed one of the books from the desk, its surface was littered with dust and the cover could hardly be seen. Blowing the dust from the book's exterior he wiped a hand over to remove the rest, a red cover now reveled with a golden title imprinted in fine capital letters.

“JEWELS.” Richard read aloud, quickly flipping through the pages, none of the jewels he saw in the book looked anything like the one he had. Quickly he removed the gem from his pouch looking over it, it's icy outside was like nothing he had ever seen, and apparently, it hadn’t been heard of either. He knew Ryan had said a few things about it, but that didn’t do him any good right now, being he didn't give very much information.

Putting the gem away Richard moved away from the tables, he saw a flight of stairs going down into a dark hallway, looking around he saw a large stick placed in a mettle loop on the wall. Grabbing the two lighting stones from one of his pouches Richard soon lit the torch and removed it from the loop.

The warm firelight shone down the stairs the soft glow revealing the first few steps. With no hesitation, Richard made his way down the hall the sound of his hurried steps the only noise ringing along the cold walls. The stairs seemed to go on forever until Richard came across three more halls, these already had torches lit further down.

Richard didn’t think much of it as he walked down one of the passageways the walls were now covered in a soft light. It didn’t take long before he walked into a large room, weaponry littered the walls and the shelves throughout. Walking over to a wall full of swords Richard looked over them, their razor-sharp blades reflecting the torchlight. He didn’t dwell on them too long before moving onto the next lot of weapons. Softly he ran a hand over a large wooden bow, the woodgrain soft under his gloved fingers.

Glancing around the rest of the room Richard could see it wasn’t only an armory, but also a training room as his cerulean eyes landed on a punching bag and some target dummies and many more in the back, hidden away by a now faded curtain. There must be another section to the room to allow more space.

Casting a look behind him Richard walked out of the room and down another hallway, how long must it have taken his parents to make this place? Must have been a few years, 10 at most. Richard sighed as he walked into another room, this one was full of poll lines with clothes hanging from them, and tables stacked with pouches and shoes, near the door on pegs were black cloaks. Richard couldn’t believe what he was seeing, how many missions had his parents gone on to need so many things?

Walking over to one of the tables he looked over the shoes, they were just the same as he’s, only older, he then turned his attention to the pouches. They were all different sizes and shapes. Picking one up, he looked over the quality, most of them looked handmade and in good shape.

Next, he moved onto the clothes. He only skimmed through but he could see most of them were handmade and came in the same bland colors. Not many of the clothes were the same, he could see many were made for different missions. Behind the cloaks, Richard could see masks made out of wood and painted with patterns. Two spaces were left for the eyes, with black painted around the rims.

Richard walked out of the room and down the next pathway, everything was turning into a maze in his head, but something deep inside kept him moving. At the end of the hall was a flight of stairs that traveled down. Only the light from the torch in Richard's hand provided a warm glow down the hall.

He didn't waste any time as he descended the steps, eager to see what was down in the darkness. Large dust clouds floated into the air as Richard's feet hit the floor. The farther Richard went the slower his movements became as a foul smell came to his nose. Restraining himself from gagging he pushed forward, lifting the torch once making it down to the bottom. Large pillars were scattered throughout the area, with thick chains put into metal loops.

"This must be the prison," Richard said walking around. When he made it right to the back he saw a few jails, with rusted keys hanging on the wall.

The sound of footsteps behind Richard forced him to turn around, his sword already in hand the torch now forgotten on the floor. By the sound of it, it could be two men or more. Their movements were quick as they made their way towards Richard.

Gritting his teeth Richard waited for them to attack, he knew if he was quick he could finish them without a problem, they were most likely outsiders trying their luck. Spreading his legs a little he shifted his feet on the floor getting a firm grip.

The cold slicing sound through the air could be heard as a small breeze was felt just millimeters from his right ear. Lifting his sword Richard's collided with another's icy blade. Looking up he could see a man clad in black cloths, a mask covering his face.

Richard's eyes widened as he realized what was happening. Quickly he jumped away from the other man backflipping into the air and landing a few paces away from him. He reached into his pouch and throw a knife to his left hearing it collide with another blade a few meters away.

The man in front of him stood there, silent. As a guy in the same clothes landed next to him from the ceiling, he too had a sword in hand, its long blade gleaming in the fading light. Seeming to read one another's mind they both ran towards Richard their swords poised and ready to attack.

Glancing to the side Richard saw the third man running towards him, two swords in hand.

Reaching behind him Richard removed the second sword strapped to his back. His eyes darted from one man to the next, awaiting the next attack. He just hoped all of Ryan's training would pay off because he knows he's going to need it right now.


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Fri Jun 26, 2020 5:58 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And it is down to the final three.

First Impression: That sounds like a really cool hideout. And a great little cliffhanger there to end. Also more information about the parents. Interesting.

And getting right to it,

The crisp night air blew past Richard’s face as he and Thunder neared the canyon, the entrance dark and menacing, the sudden feeling of hope washed over Richard as he entered, would he find anything that would lead him closer to his brother in the darkness, or would everything his parents had left behind be gone? Thunder whinnied as the wind began to get rougher, his black main blowing around his face.


This is a lovely opening graph here. Great start.

Fastening Thunders rains to one of the many wooden poles, Richard looked around for a staircase leading up into the ravine walls, once one was found Richard didn't waste any time ascending it.


That should be reins.

This is day three, and so far nothing. The king's palace is heavily guarded twenty-four seven and I don't see any way we can get in. There is one choice but that is too risky, and I will have to do further research on it.

On the upside, we did take a guard hostage today, his not willing to talk, but time will hopefully get to him.


Very interesting. One thing though. Wouldn't he write this on a journal or something rather than leaving notes.

Richard slowly places the paper back on the table. How long had they been studying the King? Where all the paper notes left by his father? Richard walked over to the desk next to his fathers, the books neatly stacked on one another, and the paper all in one pile with a stone on top to keep it down. Richard laughed to himself when he saw a portrait of him and his brother on the table, both of them were covered in mud but seemed to be happy.


First of all that should be placed. I notice this mistake happens a lot but then I also notice that s is right next to d on the keyboard so I'm not sure if its a problem with the tenses or just that your fingers miss the letter d a lot.

"JEWELS.” Richard read aloud, quickly flipping through the pages, none of the jewels he saw in the book looked anything like the one he had. Quickly he removed the gem from his pouch looking over it, it's icy outside was like nothing he had ever seen, and apparently, it hadn’t been heard of either. He knew Ryan had said a few things about it, but that didn’t do him any good right now, being he didn't give very much information.


Now this is even more intriguing. What is going on with this jewel? And more importantly where on Earth was this thing stolen from in the first place?

The warm firelight shone down the stairs the soft glow revealing the first few steps. With no hesitation, Richard made his way down the hall, the sound of his hurried steps the only noise ringing along the cold walls.


Comma there. Also nice little subtle foreshadowing there showing that someone is there by telling us the torches were lit. But then why did Richard not pick up on that? That's a huge red flag that he's not the only person in that place.

Softly he ran a hand over a large wooden bow, the woodgrain soft under his gloved fingers.


It's usually pretty tough to feel anything smooth with gloves but maybe that's just my hands.

Glancing around the rest of the room Richard could see it wasn’t only an armory, but also a training room as his cerulean eyes landed on a punching bag and some target dummies and many more in the back, hidden away by a now faded curtain. There must be another section to the room to allow more space.


This place is sounding really cool. His parents definitely spent a lot of time on this. But I do have to wonder how so much stuff would have smuggled out there for the building without being detected.

Behind the cloaks, Richard could see masks made out of wood and painted with patterns. Two spaces were left for the eyes, with black painted around the rims.


The masks sound very interesting. Wonder what they mean?

Restraining himself from gagging he pushed forward, lifting the torch once making it down to the bottom. Large pillars were scattered throughout the area, with thick chains put into metal loops.


Oh that's suspicions. Are there people down there? Spoilt food?

The sound of footsteps behind Richard forced him to turn around, his sword already in hand the torch now forgotten on the floor.


Oh this is going to be a good fight.

Spreading his legs a little he shifted his feet on the floor getting a firm grip.


This would be a better image if you simply say he lowered himself into a crouch. That's the standard sword fighting stance. Saying that he spread his legs a little doesn't convey that same feeling. Also quick question: Are these two handed swords or one handed or hand and a half?

Lifting his sword Richard's collided with another's icy blade. Looking up he could see a man clad in black cloths, a mask covering his face.


Okay another bit of repetition. The blades are always called some version of cold or icy. You should change it up a bit more with some other adjectives.

Quickly he jumped away from the other man, backflipping into the air and landing a few paces away from him. He reached into his pouch and throw a knife to his left hearing it collide with another blade a few meters away.


That should be threw a knife. Also comma. And that is a extremely cool move.

Reaching behind him Richard removed the second sword strapped to his back. His eyes darted from one man to the next, awaiting the next attack. He just hoped all of Ryan's training would pay off because he knows he's going to need it right now.


That sounds a little off. It should be something like because he was going to.

And that's it. Lovely cliffhanger ending. I can't wait to get to the next chapter.

Overall: Nice buildup there. Should be an awesome fight scene coming up. And some very interesting questions to be asked about his parents and what they did for a living.

As always remember to take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






I guess it would be two handed swords. Why you ask?

I'm glad yo hear your excited for the next chapter! Yes it will be full of action as I'm sure you already know. XD

Again thanks for the review! Super helpful!



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!
And the sword thing. See the thing is two handed swords are really heavy and long so they wouldn't work very well for using two at once. And that's why I wanted to know. To see whether it was possible to use them the way that you described.





What type of the three would be best? Because I haven't mentioned the type of sword in any of my chapters.



HarryHardy says...


The best would be a hand and a half sword. It's light enough that you could us two at once without too much trouble but it's long enough to be called a long sword.





Okay cool! Thanks for the help!



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!! :D






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Thu Jun 11, 2020 9:09 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there!

Hope you're all good- just popping by for a review :) I'm going to try and avoid the nitpicks that Lib has already pointed out but sorry if I duplicate at all!

The crisp night air blew past Richard’s face as he and Thunder neared the canyon, the entrance dark and menacing, the sudden feeling of hope washed over Richard as he entered, would he find anything that would lead him closer to his brother in the darkness, or would everything his parents had left behind be gone?

This is a super long sentence, can you maybe split it in two?

Pulling on the rains, Richard brought Thunder to a stop. Jumping off of his back, Richard walked through the canyon leading Thunder behind him.

Some missing commas here - I've put them in! These are also two very similar sentence structures - don't forget to change it up a bit!

Richard didn’t know how much time had passed before he saw a wooden stable up ahead, the hay and water old from years of being neglected. Fastening Thunders rains to one of the many wooden poles, Richard looked around for a staircase leading up into the ravine walls, once one was found Richard didn't waste any time ascending it. Once at the top he was greeted with a rather shocking sight, pulling himself to his feet Richard looked over the old desks that seemed to be all over the room, mounds of paper and books covering the exteriors all covered in dust.

Don't forget you can use personal pronouns sometimes. Using Richard's name all the time makes the reading seem more forced.

Richard slowly places the paper back on the table.

Watch your tenses!

That's all from me! I like the way you've given us lots of information throughout the chapter, but still left lots of questions unanswered! And I'm a sucker for a good sword fight so I love that you've thrown that in as well xD I do agree with Lib though, maybe Richard could sense the fighters a bit before finding them? Or at least have the feeling that something isn't quite right.

That's all from me, hope this was helpful!

Icy






Thanks for the review Icy! Its really helpful. When I rewrite the book I'll make sure to remember everything you have said and hopefully add it in. XD



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Sun May 10, 2020 2:35 am
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Liberty wrote a review...



Flames!

Hope you're doing well. I'm back to review~

Oooh omg this is interesting! Also I am loving the details you sprinkle on - it's so picturesque! We've got some information. A lot, actually, heh, but even more questions!! I really want to know now if Richard's brother is alive - maybe he's living in this cave thing? What if he was living in the town that Richard was living in but as a spy or something. Ahh so many what ifs, I'm super excited! :mrgreen:

Augh we have fighters. Of course we have fighters. But honestly, if ya ask me, I think their appearance was pretty sudden. Maybe before the sound of footsteps, Richard would've sensed their presence? Like, you know when you think you're alone, but you can sense someone else in the room without seeing or hearing them. I'm pretty sure that happens to many people - especially people as cautious as Richard. Maybe when he walks into the 'jail' area he starts sensing their presence? Idk, you're the boss! ;)

Time for nitpicking!~

The first sentence in the first paragraph was awfully long - a lot of commas were used. I suggest you probably divide it a bit so that it's an easier read, hm?

Thunder whinnied as the wind began to get rougher, his black main blowing around his face.

*mane

Pulling on the rains Richard brought Thunder to a stop.

*reins

Skimming over the words Richard lifts an eyebrow, this was his father’s handwriting.

*lifted - wrong tense was used!

On the upside, we did take a guard hostage today, his not willing to talk, but time will hopefully get to him.

*he's

Where all the paper notes left by his father?

*Were

Walking over to one of the tables he looked over the shoes, they were just the same as he’s, only older,

*his - I noticed you usually write 'he's' instead of 'his' and vice versa. I have a trick for you. 'He's' is a short form of 'he is'. So instead of writing the short version, just write the long version. And pat yourself on the back if you write 'he is'. But no pat on the back if you write 'he's'. I'm really just trynna find any way that would help

He just hoped all of Ryan's training would pay off because he knows he's going to need it right now.

*knew - the wrong tense was used.

That's it for my review - I sure hoped it helped. I'm super excited for the next chapter!! Lemme know if you've got questions.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty






Thanks for the review Lib, it sure came in quickly.
Lol even though I read it aloud I still missed a few things. Thanks for pointing them out.

Oh and you right, Richard should have felt other people in the area with him, I just missed adding that little detail. So thank you so much for pointing that out. :D




"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
— Paul Brandt