Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And it is down to the final three.
First Impression: That sounds like a really cool hideout. And a great little cliffhanger there to end. Also more information about the parents. Interesting.
And getting right to it,
The crisp night air blew past Richard’s face as he and Thunder neared the canyon, the entrance dark and menacing, the sudden feeling of hope washed over Richard as he entered, would he find anything that would lead him closer to his brother in the darkness, or would everything his parents had left behind be gone? Thunder whinnied as the wind began to get rougher, his black main blowing around his face.
This is a lovely opening graph here. Great start.
Fastening Thunders rains to one of the many wooden poles, Richard looked around for a staircase leading up into the ravine walls, once one was found Richard didn't waste any time ascending it.
That should be reins.
This is day three, and so far nothing. The king's palace is heavily guarded twenty-four seven and I don't see any way we can get in. There is one choice but that is too risky, and I will have to do further research on it.
On the upside, we did take a guard hostage today, his not willing to talk, but time will hopefully get to him.
Very interesting. One thing though. Wouldn't he write this on a journal or something rather than leaving notes.
Richard slowly places the paper back on the table. How long had they been studying the King? Where all the paper notes left by his father? Richard walked over to the desk next to his fathers, the books neatly stacked on one another, and the paper all in one pile with a stone on top to keep it down. Richard laughed to himself when he saw a portrait of him and his brother on the table, both of them were covered in mud but seemed to be happy.
First of all that should be placed. I notice this mistake happens a lot but then I also notice that s is right next to d on the keyboard so I'm not sure if its a problem with the tenses or just that your fingers miss the letter d a lot.
"JEWELS.” Richard read aloud, quickly flipping through the pages, none of the jewels he saw in the book looked anything like the one he had. Quickly he removed the gem from his pouch looking over it, it's icy outside was like nothing he had ever seen, and apparently, it hadn’t been heard of either. He knew Ryan had said a few things about it, but that didn’t do him any good right now, being he didn't give very much information.
Now this is even more intriguing. What is going on with this jewel? And more importantly where on Earth was this thing stolen from in the first place?
The warm firelight shone down the stairs the soft glow revealing the first few steps. With no hesitation, Richard made his way down the hall, the sound of his hurried steps the only noise ringing along the cold walls.
Comma there. Also nice little subtle foreshadowing there showing that someone is there by telling us the torches were lit. But then why did Richard not pick up on that? That's a huge red flag that he's not the only person in that place.
Softly he ran a hand over a large wooden bow, the woodgrain soft under his gloved fingers.
It's usually pretty tough to feel anything smooth with gloves but maybe that's just my hands.
Glancing around the rest of the room Richard could see it wasn’t only an armory, but also a training room as his cerulean eyes landed on a punching bag and some target dummies and many more in the back, hidden away by a now faded curtain. There must be another section to the room to allow more space.
This place is sounding really cool. His parents definitely spent a lot of time on this. But I do have to wonder how so much stuff would have smuggled out there for the building without being detected.
Behind the cloaks, Richard could see masks made out of wood and painted with patterns. Two spaces were left for the eyes, with black painted around the rims.
The masks sound very interesting. Wonder what they mean?
Restraining himself from gagging he pushed forward, lifting the torch once making it down to the bottom. Large pillars were scattered throughout the area, with thick chains put into metal loops.
Oh that's suspicions. Are there people down there? Spoilt food?
The sound of footsteps behind Richard forced him to turn around, his sword already in hand the torch now forgotten on the floor.
Oh this is going to be a good fight.
Spreading his legs a little he shifted his feet on the floor getting a firm grip.
This would be a better image if you simply say he lowered himself into a crouch. That's the standard sword fighting stance. Saying that he spread his legs a little doesn't convey that same feeling. Also quick question: Are these two handed swords or one handed or hand and a half?
Lifting his sword Richard's collided with another's icy blade. Looking up he could see a man clad in black cloths, a mask covering his face.
Okay another bit of repetition. The blades are always called some version of cold or icy. You should change it up a bit more with some other adjectives.
Quickly he jumped away from the other man, backflipping into the air and landing a few paces away from him. He reached into his pouch and throw a knife to his left hearing it collide with another blade a few meters away.
That should be threw a knife. Also comma. And that is a extremely cool move.
Reaching behind him Richard removed the second sword strapped to his back. His eyes darted from one man to the next, awaiting the next attack. He just hoped all of Ryan's training would pay off because he knows he's going to need it right now.
That sounds a little off. It should be something like because he was going to.
And that's it. Lovely cliffhanger ending. I can't wait to get to the next chapter.
Overall: Nice buildup there. Should be an awesome fight scene coming up. And some very interesting questions to be asked about his parents and what they did for a living.
As always remember to take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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