While Richard was sharpening his sword he couldn’t help but think about the safely tucked away jewel in his pouch, ‘Does it hold a power that the King wants to get his hands on? No that can’t be it. There is no such thing as magic, so what is the big deal about this gem?’ Richard thought, scoffing to himself.
“Richard we don’t have all night!" Ryan yelled from the doorway leading into another area of the training room.
Putting his sword away in its case he ran over to the older man and followed him into a dark room, reaching out for the wall Ryan flicked on the only lights they had throughout the mountain. Richard still didn’t know how Ryan managed to make this palace into his home, but he never asked.
Slowly Richard followed Ryan up to a cliff-face that looked like it had been carved out of the wall a long time ago, to help them get onto it, it had a flight of stairs that was nailed into the wall.
“I’ve never taken you into this room before, but I now think it’s the right time to start training you as an Assassin,” Ryan said folding his arms as he leaned against the stone wall.
Richards's eyes widened, “An Assassin!?” He asked confused, so far in his life, his only been trained to protect himself because of his parents who were outlaws, wanted by the king. If he became an Assassin then the king will want his head.
Just pushing aside the worry and shock that passed over Richard’s face Ryan just nodded. “Yes, if you want to be out there making trouble like you did today, you might as well be doing it properly.” He merely said, his green gaze fixed on Richard.
Seeming to understand Richard turned to look over the room he had been standing in for a while now. Now that he looked he could see a lot of training equipment he hadn’t even heard of before and hadn’t even used. To the left a rock climbing wall looked to be carved out of the wall, and near that there looked to be a robe you could swing from to get to other parts of the training room, in face now that he was getting a better look he could see lots of hanging ropes from all parts of the roof, a few of them near where he was standing, allowing a good escape if needed. Some of the room’s floor had spikes coming out of it, probably what he would have to use to become more agile.
“Stop gawking boy,” Ryan said, snapping Richard out of his daze. “Your training is going to be harder than it ever was before, and distraction is going to be part of the first lesson.” He began to explain keeping a firm hold on the sword he had strapped to the belt around his waist. “What we are going to do today is to see how well you react to certain problems that I will through at you throughout our training.”
Richard swiftly nodded, he then looked down the cliff-face analyzing the room before he had to start, he could see that one wall of the room was taken up of neatly backed away weapons, though these weapons he had never seen or used before, the sword he’s using one is one of the easiest to use and it’s very blunt compared to the once that littered the wall. There were many other weapons the followed after the swords, but he wasn’t very skilled in those.
The sound of a sword being removed from its case was heard throughout the room, turning around Richard saw Ryan running towards him, his sword in hand poised for attack.
Acting fast Richard removed his sword from the sheath on his back, the two metal colliding into one another. Smirking Richard kicked one of his legs out towards Ryan’s legs.
Skillful eyes watched the leg coming towards them, the sword still in his right hand Ryan used his left to grasp Richard’s foot and twist it, causing him to trip and fall.
Richard landed on his back with a thud, his sword falling out his hand and onto the stone floor next to him. Quickly reaching out for his sword he made a slash at Ryan causing the older man to jump back.
Smirking to himself Richard leaped back on this feet, sword in hand.
"Very good," Ryan said his aged eyes watching the younger boys every move. Reaching into one of the pouches that were attached to his pants his agile fingers flicked something small but sharp towards Richard’s hands within a few seconds.
Richard's skilled eyes watched the small throwing stars fly towards his hand, having only enough time he ducked and rolled to the right just missing the attack.
In the proces of rolling Richard dropped his sword over the cliff faces edge. He looked up at Ryan who just shook his head but kept the countless attacks coming, keeping the teen on his feet.
Without his sword there was very little Richard could do to avoid the attacks that were being thrown at him, so rolling away from another swing of the blade from Ryan Richard reached out for one of the closest ropes that were hanging from the ceiling, and jumped off the cliff, swinging through the air.
Keeping a firm hold on the rope she scanned the room around him, he was unfamiliar with Ryan's new moves and if she wanted to stay on his feet he had to keep a clear head and have a plan in mind.
Looking behind him Richard saw Ryan running down the steps near the cliff face that was engraved into the wall, his speed great for a man of his age.
Sucking in a deep breath Richard let go of the rope falling to the floor just as a throwing star flew above his head. He knew Ryan wasn't fighting with all he's got, and even this was keeping him guessing.
Landing on the tar ground firm on his feet Richard dashed for the weapons rack on the far side of the room, knowing that would be his only chance, it was too late for him to go and get his sword.
His mind raced as he tried to think up a plan that would be cunning enough to fool Ryan. Cold sweat ran down his brow as he ran his legs pounded against the floor.
Ducking under some equipment Richard just missed another swing on Ryan's blade. For an old man, he sure could run.
Grabbing one of the shields from the wall oh weapons Richard put it above his head blocking the next attack thrown at him.
His hear bounding in his chest Richard reached into his back pouch removing one of the many small throwing knives he had.
End of chapter
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140,088 Literary Works • 672,997 Reviews
Hi Flame, (Can I call you that?) Felistia here with another review for you.
Love this little opening sentence. I do have one suggestion though and it's more a personal opinion than an absolute must. I fell that this would read smoother if you wrote it like this.
Just a thought.
I like the thoughts here, but I feel that they need to be more drawn out. Go through a few possibilities, maybe have a little backstory on the King. I don't know. I just think it went a bit fast.
Ooo, so they have electricity. I always got the feeling that this was in medieval times so there wasn't any electricity. How advanced is this society then? Do they have phones, tv's or is it just limited to small things such as light?
Too late. He's already been running around bumping people off. Lol.
Wouldn't the King want his head anyway if he found out Richard had kinda taken the jewel he was after? Seems a little out of place for Rickard to start worrying about what the King will do to him. He is already in the deep end in that regards.
I like the description of this new area, however you have a lot of spelling mistakes here and repeated words. It could do with a bit of polishing.
You've used the word smirking twice in the last few paragraphs. I'd use a different one to prevent the repeat.
Love this. However I'd take out the part (within a few seconds) I know what you where going for, but I feel that it slows down the sentence rather than adding to it.
Our main character's suddenly a girl? Lol. Spelling errors.
Overall thoughts:
Okay so first off I love the fight scene. It was intense and pretty well writing. Richards character is developing and we can see that he has flaws in his fighting in comparison to Ryan.
Quick question. Why did the king send such a lame lackey to get the jewel? Richard took him out so easily and from today's training session it's obvious that he has a tone still to learn when it come to fighting.
The one real bad thing I have to say about this chapter is in regards to your grammar and spelling. You must read over your chapter before you post. There were so many spelling and grammar mistakes that I struggled to read this chapter. It was the worst so far in regards to spelling and grammar error. You have a really cool story here, but these mistakes take so much away from it and can make it difficult to read.
Before I review the next chapter, please check for these errors. I'll be able to focus on the story more and will be able to give better advice.
Other than that though, it was a really enjoyable read. Love how things are developing.
Best regards
Felistia.
You'll find everything you knew to answer your questions later on!
Yeah I'll go fix them up now.
Thanks for the review.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it in your part of the world)
One fourth almost done
First Impression: That's a great fight scene. It was written really well.
Anyway getting on to it,
In theorytown- "Write that down. Write that down."
These gems are very suspicious now. And odd that you mention magic. Very suspicious indeed.
Did you misspell place or does Ryan actually have palace as a house?
Now his parents got really interesting. In the previous chapter I assumed they were dead but now...well...more theories.
This is a brilliant line there.
Lovely setting there. I can just picture that room so clearly. And that should be rope I think unless they hang robes from the ceiling. That would be weird. You could swing on one but rope sounds more practical.
Okay bit of a tense situation here.(No pun intended) I think that is supposed to be He had never seen or used these weapons before. The sword that he used was a lot more blunt than the ones that littered the wall.
Also littered sounds like swords are haphazardly hung everywhere and I don't think that's the image you want. So maybe use a different word.
I think that should be swords there. Metal just really sounds really weird in that sentence.
You lost an s there.
That has to be added there.
I think that's a he.
There should be a comma there. (On a side note I am notorious for leaving out commas so I feel so bad correcting you)
I think you need to break the sentence at that point.
These sound like Richard's thought's here. I think you should put those little comments in italics. They really help make the scene better but they should be singled out as thoughts or it may get confusing.
That's of I think.
That should be heart and pounding. And that's a great place to end. Lovely little cliffhanger.
And that's it for this one.
Overall: Beautiful fight scene. It moved back and forth really well and at no point was it confusing as to who was were. Great Job!!!
Again I hope I didn't repeat anything that someone else said. And as always take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Darn I meant to say place. XD
Thanks for the review yet again!
Oh and don't worry about the comma thing it easier as the reader to pick them up, I am getting better I think but I am going to miss places.
Lol I can see I need to take these fight scenes a little slower, I get into the action and completely forget to watch my spelling.
I'm glad you're liking it so far! I'm looking forward to your reactions in the later chapters!
Your Welcome!!
I know. I think whatchamacallit caught like ten comma errors in my story for the last chapter.
And the spelling, get one of your sisters to read it through before you post. Usually it's impossible to spot your own spelling mistakes so you should get someone else to do it.
I'll try and do that they normally don't have much time. Lol
Ohh.. right they probably are. I'm lucky that I have a couple of jobless friends who are always willing to look through my stories.
Lol
Impressive detail and observation during the fight. Kept me interested and that's a big deal for me. Love the technique you involved. Sounds realistic to me. I was expecting more from this chapter and was rather surprised when it ended. But it was well written and kept my attention. Awesome job. Keep writing my friend!!!
I'm glad you liked it. At the end of this chapter I was a little stuck how to continue so I stopped it were it felt right. I'll also try and make my chapters long again.
Thanks for the review!
Greetings!
I'm back with another review!
Ooh, fun...combat practice!
And, yer an Assassin Richard
^^ Like the previous chapters, this too was quite enjoyable to read and I really like the pace of the story. I don't think it seems rushed, and it flows along nicely. Even the action scenes were written pretty well. That's clearly one of your strong points when it comes to writing!
Richard seems just as curious as the readers to learn more about the jewel, and since it's brought up quite often, I really think it's going to be important later on. I think he should show it to his uncle...but then again, his reaction to it could be either positive or negative o.o
This chapter didn't give a whole lot about the plot, but I did notice a few key points in this chapter regarding Richard.
I think the way he fights with Ryan is quite different compared to the fight with the man back in chapter one. He seemed skilful back there, and I think it has something to do with the jewel. Back in chapter one, as I recall, he tried to clear his mind of any thoughts before facing the thief. But now, he seems to be more focused on learning about the jewel, and everything in this new combat room seemed to have made him even more distracted.
I hope his uncle would notice this eventually...or maybe he already has. o.o That man just seems to know everything.
Another theory I have is that here, Richard has no intention of killing nor any thoughts of anger or despair that he had earlier. So he appears to be weaker and less brutal in battle now... hmm...
Alrighty, next point.
I was slightly confused about this statement at first. Because, in the first chapter Richard was running after a thief, to retrieve what they have stolen, and he also ended up killing the thief in the end. So he would already be wanted anyway. But I guess this means I could debunk my earlier theory about Richard killing thieves before. So he's quite new to all this? Interesting... Ah, precious Richard, the new assassin.
Either way, you did clear up my confusion in the next paragraph, ^-^
Richard's parents are outlaws... o.o I knew it!! So they're either dead or hiding! :O I was really looking forward to knowing more about them. ^^ And now I have a new piece of information!
Palace!! :O They live in a palace? Are they somehow related to the king, or perhaps the royals that lived before? Was the king some fraud who stole the throne from them? But still, it'd be unlikely that he'd leave a palace unharmed...but then again, this could be well hidden so I guess it's still possible for it to exist. ^-^
There are a few places where some commas are missing. I just pointed out two, so you get the idea ^-^
This is just a suggestion, but I think you can use a full stop instead of a comma after 'confused' to break up the paragraph a bit so I could be understood better.
Spoiler
ofhis parentswhowere outlaws, wanted by the King. If he became an Assassin then the King will want his head.This paragraph seems too wordy and a bit hard to understand. And I did catch a few minor spelling mistakes as well. Maybe you can break this paragraph into two sentences to make it easier to understand. ^-^
^-^ Tis just a suggestion!
Another paragraph that could be broken down into two or more sentences. ^-^ I think the problem here is that you use commas in place of full stops sometimes. Overall, the latter part of the paragraph was a bit hard for me to understand, ^-^ maybe you could change it up a bit (Again, this is just a mere suggestion! )
Another wordy sentence I found. This isn't much of an issue, I'm just being extremely nit-picky here...so bear with me xD
Spoiler
He rolled away from another swing of the blade from Ryan, Richard reached out for the closest rope hanging from the ceiling, and jumped off the cliff, swinging through the air.
^-^ Alrighty, that's about it for now!
This was an awesome action-packed chapter and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!
Keep up the good work,
and never stop writing!
Your friend,
writerkitty
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes Kitty, I some times miss those when I read over the chapter. Lol
But I'll get to them as soon as I can.
Also that part where I said palace that was a spelling mistake it was meant to say place. Sorry if I got your hopes up there.
I'm glad your enjoying things so far and getting the answers to questions you have, that lets me know I'm writing this the right way, so I hope you will keep reading and enjoy!
^-^ Glad you find my reviews helpful!
Aaah....I kinda suspected it might've been the case. xD I sometimes get the words place and palace mixed up too! ^-^ No biggie.
XD good to know it's not just me!
Hello, Flames!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to drop off a review, that I will be doing as I read this piece of yours. Let's get right into it now!
After "a long time ago", I think you should start a new sentence. It already sort of seems like a long sentence.
"Through" is meant to be "throw", I'm sure - you just misspelled it. :]
Ahhh, this is a super long sentence! Maybe cut it down? Also, the last part of this sentence, I don't really understand.
Ooh, this fight seems interesting! Just a quick note here, though, you seem to use "skillful eyes" a lot in these few sentences.
Oh no. *clicks tongue* Not good. Also, "proces" is supposed to be "process". c:
Ah, is Richard a teen now? Wasn't he a young man before? Most of the time, when people tell me some one is a teen, I usually think of that teen as about 13-17 years old, but I know well and good that one is supposed to be 19 years old to be on one's last year of teen-hood. And then before you said that Richard is... a young man. And I think a young man would be around 20-30 years. You know what I mean? So probably just stick with one, teen or young man.
Ooh, that was an interesting stop to the chapter, but I must admit, it was sorta abrupt. ^^'
Overall, I can see a great plot unfolding in this novel, and I wish you the best of luck! You never know if I pop in again and read some more. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Thanks for the review Lib, as you know starting knew stories there is a lot to think about, so I didn't pick up on all the thing you just pointed out when I read through it, so this was a big help, and when I go back and edit I'll keep all this in mind.
Again thanks for the review.
That's very understandable, Flames! Not a problem, and keep up the great work. %u2661
Thanks!
Hey, very cool story, so far, especially the fight scene!
I like how you have so many paragraphs throughout the (fight) scene, it keeps the reader on their feet.
(Hehe get it, like in the, ok bad joke, anyway.)
I thought I would point out a few things I noticed while reading.
Now the thing with this paragraph is that you used the word 'looked' or 'look' Three times,( two looked and one look) make sure that you have variety with you words, otherwise you may overuse a certain word, as happened here.
'To the left a rock climbing wall looked to be carved out of the wall, and near that there looked to be a robe you could swing from to get to other parts of the training room, in face now that he was getting a better look he could see lots of hanging ropes from all parts of the roof,'
When I was reading the sentence it just didn't seem right
'Landing on the tar ground firm on his feet' after reading it a few times iI get what you where trying to say, but I would suggest changing it so it's smoother.
The next ones are basically just spelling mistakes:
'proces, just add' an 's
'and if she wanted' i am pretty sure it's supposed to be he.
t'he wall oh weapons,' 'Oh' was probably meant to be, of
His head pounding in his chest, i am guessing it's supposed to be heart.
That's all I found, it's a very cool story overall all and the fight scene as nicely written.
I enjoyed reading this and can't wait till the next chapter, that cliff hanger was great!
-Lady Mysterio
I'm glad you liked the chapter! I can tag you for the next one if you like.
But it was funny. Lol.
I will be sure to fix the mistakes when I get the chance, it was a great help, I'll also work on the repeating the same words thing, that is something I have had to work with for a while, so I'm working on it. XD
Ps: Oh and I got your joke. Yes it was bad.
yes, plz tag me!
Okay!