Young Writers Society

Hi FlamingPhoenix, Felistia here with another review for you.

“Richard Ashbrook where have you been!?” The man standing in the corner of the stables barked when he saw the nineteen-year-old boy sneak inside with his horse being led by the rains.

Stopping in his tracks, Richard cringed and turned to face the old man, his green eyes piercing him with an icy gaze.

Stopping in his tracks, Richard cringed and turned to face him, the old man's green eyes piercing him with an icy gaze.

stuffing the blue ruby from before in one of his pockets.

The old man stood up from the wall and walked up to Richard. “Look my boy…you can’t be out there playing hero all the time, in fact, you shouldn’t even be out there.”

He folded his arms as he began to scold the young boy. “You’re only nineteen, and your mother and father left me to look after you, to get you ready for the hardships of this kingdom, and what are you doing? You’re out there getting yourself into trouble!” He barked his eyes burning with rage, but his aged face calm.

Ryan let out an aged sigh the small white hairs around his mouth bristling with the motion. “First off, you’re not allowed to kill, it’s against the law.

His forest green eyes canning over Richard.

Glancing down at the pouch attached to his leg he slowly reached into it removing the sapphire gem that was wrapped in a worn-out cloth, the brown fabric doing nothing to hide the blue color of the gem

“Why would the king be after this? It doesn’t hold any value, it would be a lot of money, but the king already has all the money in the world.”

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)

The review train is gathering steam,

First Impression: Nice little training sequence. And nice little sprinkling of backstory there. You made it smooth enough that it fit right in without feeling like it was forced in there.

Anyway on with it,

“Richard Ashbrook where have you been!?” The man standing in the corner of the stables barked when he saw the nineteen-year-old boy sneak inside with his horse being led by the rains.

Rolling his eyes Richard led Thunder toward his stable. “I knew what I was doing.” He said over his shoulder. “Besides the man I killed stole from the people. Uncle Ryan, I need to be out there.”

Ryan let out an aged sigh the small white hairs around his mouth bristling with the motion. “First off, you’re not allowed to kill, it’s against the law. Second of all, you’re not ready, that is why we train, your parents were great people in their days, but they only were because they trained. They left you in my care expecting you to do great things one day, don’t throw all that away because of a simple robbery.”

“So as I did for your father I will only have to prepare you the best I can.” His forest green eyes canning over Richard. “So I expect to see you in the training room asap!” With that said he turned and walked out the stables.

Letting out a much-needed breath Richard leaned against the poll he hung the rains he was using for Thunder on.

Glancing down at the pouch attached to his leg he slowly reached into it removing the sapphire gem that was wrapped in a worn-out cloth, the brown fabric doing nothing to hide the blue color of the gem. Creasing his eyebrows together Richard began to twist the gem around in his hand. “Why would the king be after this? It doesn’t hold any value, it would be a lot of money, but the king already has all the money in the world.”

It didn’t take Richard long to find the room he was looking for, turning into the room he stopped at the door, he watched as Ryan walked around with a large torch in his right-hand lighting all the unlit torches.

Richard repeated this motion over and over, hitting the punching bag in the same place every time, each hit holding more force than the last as he took his frustration out on it. When his hands got a little sour from hitting over and over again he added a few kicks to the side of the bag, sending a loud bang through the room whenever he hit it.

Gritting his teeth Richard pulled back his fist everything he had was in this plow and he was going to make it count. When his fist collided with the sandbag, it didn’t just bounce off of it, it went right through the fabric and into the sand inside.

“Better.” Ryan said coming out from the sagging bag, “Although you should punch like that in the beginning.” He folded his arms and let out a low laugh, though the laugh soon faded and he looked towards Richard again. “Right I think it’s time for us to spar a little, with weapons.”

Richard nodded. “Yes, sir.”

WHOA... So the trainer is his uncle, and Richard's parents used to train just like him and they also conspired against the evil king! :O

*ahem* Onto the actual review...

I just had to read this chapter right after finishing the first one, because my curiosity got the best of me.
Just like the first chapter, this one was pretty interesting as well, and I really enjoyed reading it. So I was kinda right about the whole trainer thing mentioned in the first chapter but I didn't expect them to be related. ^-^ I really like Richard's uncle, he seems like a calm, wise man with lots of skills. And he's got a stern and strict attitude too...I like how he balances his anger and calmness when it comes to advising Richard; who's still a teenager who seems to highly focused on defeating the evil ruler.

When considering this chapter and the previous one, it became quite clear that Richard has good motives, but his anger and the strong will seems to overpower him to act quite brutally sometimes. (which was shown during the chase and during practice)

I'm curious to know what happened to Richard's parents...Are they dead, or are they on a secret mission or something? Anywho, it's pretty evident that they too, just like Richard underwent a lot of training. That's kinda why I want to know what had happened to them. Did they fail to properly execute their mission? Guess it'll be revealed at some point... until then I'll just let my curiosity grow.

I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ODD ABOUT THE RUBY! :O

I'm super intrigued to know why the king wanted it! And now that it's in Richard's hands I'm more curious to know what it's able to do...I highly doubt that's just a regular ruby. Maybe it wields magical powers... :O

Okay, just as in the previous chapter, your descriptions in this chapter was amazing! And you've gotten really good at writing action scenes. And the balance between description and dialogue is really good too. ^^ Good job!


I really like the flow of your story, it's not rushed and reveals just the right amount of detail in each chapter. Another thing I like about your novel is that it doesn't info dump, which I'm not a big fan of... I like how you mentioned the age, name and the few other information about Richard in the second chapter rather than in the first one, while you gave a physical description in the first one. It just feels perfectly balanced. ^^


This chapter didn't reveal a lot about what's about to come, but the readers got to meet the trainer, learn a bit about Richard's parents and motives and more about his personality as well.
I'm quite intrigued to read the next chapter now. Your story is building up quite nicely and I can't wait to see where this is heading!


Onto the Nit-picks and suggestions,

There were a few places where you haven't used commas, but I think you'd be able to find them if you re-read the chapter carefully. But, if you can't or need any assistance, just let me know! ^^

When he was done changing to only things he had on was pants and a t-shirt, along with the gloved on the shelf.

Gritting his teeth Richard pulled back his fist everything he had was in this plow and he was going to make it count.

Hey Phoenix!

Great story. I was really impressed with the description in the training sequence. By any chance, have you trained in martial arts? Or just a really avid reader? It seemed believable (well up to when he punched right through the bag ... but this is a story where anything can happen).

The description was fantastic and I am really curious as to who Richard really is. It seems that his heritage is very important. For a second you even had me thinking that he was the prince ... but then I remembered that the king was bad and not his father.

Great chapter and left the reader desiring more. So many questions. Like, what happened to Richard's parents? Who is this Ryan fella? Why all the training? What is the gem's purpose? What does the King have planned? Ooooh! Really excited to see what you have planned with this. Look forward to reading more!

Keep writing!

-Shieldmaiden

Hey Flames!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review, like I promised yesterday. Let's get straight into it now!

The plot seems to be going well. Nothing feels forced, and I like this Richard boy and Ryan man. They seem like interesting people, hehe. Everything anchors well, and it none of it seemed off or anything. You did great with your tenses and grammar. Great job!

A few things I want to point out before I start wrapping up the review~

The man standing in the corner of the stables barked when he saw the nineteen-year-old boy sneak inside with his horse being led by the rains.

Clicking his tong Ryan shook his head,

Letting out a much-needed breath Richard leaned against the poll he hung the rains he was using for Thunder on.

Taping the gloves onto his own hands Richard walked up to where Ryan was just on the opposite side of the punching bag, The tar floor beneath his feet helping him hold a firm grip for what he was about to do.