Conquest of Shadows Chapter 11

by FlamingPhoenix

Published April 30, 2020

12+

In Old storys and works

Richard didn't know what to feel as he read the last of the delicate words. He sat there still as small tears fell from his azure eyes, tears he didn’t even know he had been crying, the warm liquid streamed down his face, leaving small streaks behind as they fell from his chin landing onto the paper bellow.

Rubbing his eyes clean Richard rolled up the delicate scroll tying the red string around it. Gently he places it back in the draw locking it away in darkness again.

Shakily Richard stood and walked over to the window, everything he had ever wondered had suddenly been given to him in a single letter, and yet he didn't feel complete, something was still at a miss, or someone.

Glancing out of the window an elegant carpet of stars could be seen stretching out as far as the eye could see, the last rays of burnt orange, and crimson red fading behind the dark mountains in the distance.

Letting out a low sigh Richard turned away from the window, his gaze landing on the bag of books Mikel had given him. Knowing what he needed to do he rushed over and tipped the books out over the table their pages flipping with the force. Taking the bag with him he walked over to his bed, pulling out items of clothing and weapons shoving them into the bag.

"Throwing knives, daggers, throwing stars, and the Gem." He mumbles out as he goes through the weaponry and items he was taking. Chucking the bag onto the desk he walks over to the door and grabs his two swords placing them alongside it.

Looking himself over Richard made sure he had everything he needed. Fixing his black mask onto his face Richard pulled his hood over his head, allowing his eyes to be seen.

Moving the bag aside, he took some paper out of his desk drawer placing it on the table, reaching for a feather he dipped the tip into an inkpot, then began to write.

Ryan, its Richard, now don't get mad by what I'm about to tell you.

I read my parent's letter, and you were right I should have read it earlier, but by doing so I have realized I need to do something, and I have to do it on my own. This may sound strange, but I have a feeling Tyler is still alive, and I want to look for him. My mother said in the letter that only both of us could put a stop to the war, and if that’s true I have to find him. It’s something I don't think you will understand, just know I’m grateful for everything you have done for me, and I believe it is time for me to write the next chapter of my story, and become the man my parents wanted.

Best Regards

Richard Ashbrook.

Richard let out a sigh as he finished writing down the letter in messy handwriting, leaving it on his desk along with the feather he grabs the bag and hoists it over his shoulder after attaching the swords to his back and the daggers to his coal colored boots.

Before he walks out of the room he glances over his shoulder almost like saying goodbye before closing the door after him, leaving his past life behind and starting a new.

Richard led Thunder by the rains as he made his way down the beach, the soft sun-kissed sand shifting under his weight. The cool breeze coming for the sea swept over his body making his cloak flutter around him. The once warm sky slowly turned into a carpet of stars as the honey yellow sun sank behind the horizon, sending the last jets of crimson and burnt orange into the cobalt sky. The sound of waves crashing against the shore and the small bird's songs coming from the forest mixed in made it a peaceful setting.

Up ahead Richard could see a pool of water surrounded by large rocks cutting it off from the sea until the navy waters come in again, the last of the sun's light shimmering across the water, orange and yellow bouncing against the shimmering surfaces. Looking past the rock pool Richard looked towards the forest behind it, leading Thunder he made his way towards it. Silence now filled the air, as the sun was now gone from sight, hoisting himself onto the black horses back Richard flicked the rains making his way through the green forest the directions from the letter in mind.

The undergrowth crackling under the mustang’s hooves as the two traveled in silence allowing the night animals to sing their songs.

Breathing a sigh Richard looked around him, everything was so familiar to him even though he hadn’t been to these parts in the woods for many years. He chuckled as he remembered the trouble he and his brother used to get into.

The morning air rustled the fresh summer leaves that rested on the branches of the trees. Light laughter could be heard echoing through the morning air along with the light smacking of wood against wood.

“On guard!” A high voice yelled as a small boy jumped from a tree, his blond locks full of leaves and small twigs.

“NO! Oh, you've got me!” Came another voice as the little boy landed on him.

“DIE!!” And evil laugh escaped the blond boy’s mouth as he held his wooden sword up.

Kicking his legs out he managed to kick his brother off the redhead got up with a grin, pointing his word down at his brother. “Ha! Now kiss me boots, or meat your fate!?” He said a look of pure glee coming onto his round face.

“Tyler! That’s not how it goes! The Evil King is supposed to die!”

Tyler looks down at the boy under him, his blue eyes landing on the small frown his brother had. “But life is full of unpredictable things Richard. You can’t always win because you want to.”

“Hey! Daddy said that!” Richard said, a glare forming.

“So?” Tyler said confused.

As the two boys were playing a spry of newly fallen leaves were sent flying through the air, getting stuck in the boy’s locks.

“So, you can’t say what Daddy told you!” Richard wines his face turning into a pout. Standing up he grabs his sword and lunges at Tyler.

Stepping to the side Tyler put out one of his feet tripping his brother, sending him to the floor. Another lot of leaves were sent flying.

“Oh come on I had you that time!” Richard yells getting to his feet enraged.

Shrugging Tyler picked up his sword. “It’s not my fault you’re slow.” He gives him a sly look.

Richard gasps. “Am not!” He looks down at his legs. “My legs are too short. Besides I’m going to be the best Assassin this word as ever seen, so I can beat you whenever I want…I just…let you trip me.” He says his cheeks going a bright red.

Rolling his eyes Tyler helped Richard to his feet. “Yeah right,” Backing up he spread his arms. “Come at me, little bro!”

Grinning Richard ran at his brother a look of determination coming onto his face, but it was soon washed away when he was sent flying to the floor, mud getting all over his clothes.

Loud laughter could be heard as Tyler held his sides letting his giggle roll out of him. “I…I can’t believe…you felt for that, again!” He managed to get out through his giggling fit.

“Stop being mean to your brother!” A fist came down on Tyler’s head.

“Ow!” Tyler yelps, rubbing his head.

“Daddy!” Richard yells getting to his feet and running over to his father.

“Ah, look at you, you’re a mess!” Came a more feminine voice from behind their father.

“Honey their boys, they’re going to get dirty.” Their father said through laughs as he watches the look come over Tyler’s face.

Rubbing his head Tyler picks up his sword he had dropped.

“Come on we should be heading home.” Their mothers said walking over to the horses.

“Your Mother’s right, it’s getting late.” Their father said pushing them along by the back.

“Okay, Mom.” Tyler said, casing a look over at his brother who was grinning at him evilly. “This isn’t over you little rat!” he threatens.

Lifting an eyebrow Richard only walks past him saying in a hushed voice. “We shall see.”

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2020

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night{whichever one it is in your part of the world)

The first chapter for today.

First Impression: Well that was an unexpected turn of events with him running off like that. And we get some backstory on Tyler. Also know what about Rachel?

Anyway getting right to it,

Richard didn't know what to feel as he read the last of the delicate words. He sat there still as small tears fell from his azure eyes, tears he didn’t even know he had been crying, the warm liquid streamed down his face, leaving small streaks behind as they fell from his chin landing onto the paper bellow.


That's a lovely description to open with there.

Gently he places it back in the draw, locking it away in darkness again.


That's placed and drawer. Also the comma.

Shakily Richard stood and walked over to the window, everything he had ever wondered had suddenly been given to him in a single letter, and yet he didn't feel complete, something was still at a miss, or someone.


It wound sound better as something was still missing

Glancing out of the window an elegant carpet of stars could be seen stretching out as far as the eye could see, the last rays of burnt orange, and crimson red fading behind the dark mountains in the distance.


That's another lovely description.

Taking the bag with him he walked over to his bed, pulling out items of clothing and weapons, shoving them into the bag.


Should be a comma there. Also why does he use that bag? Doesn't he have his own bag? Also won't the book have at least a few useful things?

He mumbles out as he goes through the weaponry and items he was taking. Chucking the bag onto the desk he walks over to the door and grabs his two swords placing them alongside it.


That should be mumbled. Also be careful with the two swords. This is a nitpick but the idea behind people fighting with two sword at once is to use one sword to defend and one sword to attack. There's usually one short sword, which is the one used for defense and one longer sword, which is used to attack the opponent while the shorter sword is occupying the opponent's sword. Anyway, this has been a history lesson brought to you by The Prince of Darkness.

Fixing his black mask onto his face Richard pulled his hood over his head, allowing only his eyes to be seen.


Putting that word there would sound better I think.

Moving the bag aside, he took some paper out of his desk drawer placing it on the table, reaching for a feather he dipped the tip into an inkpot, then began to write.


Okay this sentence has one too many ideas in it. You should probably start a new sentence from the reaching for a feather part. Using sentences with multiple ideas that have this kind of flow is perfect for fight scenes but in general areas this sort of sentence just doesn't sound good.

It’s something I don't think you will understand, just know I’m grateful for everything you have done for me, and I believe it is time for me to write the next chapter of my story, and become the man my parents wanted.


This seems a tad bit strange. Ryan seems to know a lot and he did give him the letter knowing that he would most probably want to do as his parents said. So wouldn't it make sense to ask Ryan at least and then, if he refuses to let him go, sneak out another time?

Before he walks out of the room he glances over his shoulder almost like saying goodbye before closing the door after him, leaving his past life behind and starting a new.


That should be glanced.

Richard led Thunder by the rains as he made his way down the beach, the soft sun-kissed sand shifting under his weight. The cool breeze coming for the sea swept over his body making his cloak flutter around him. The once warm sky slowly turned into a carpet of stars as the honey yellow sun sank behind the horizon, sending the last jets of crimson and burnt orange into the cobalt sky. The sound of waves crashing against the shore and the small bird's songs coming from the forest mixed in made it a peaceful setting.


This is really beautiful description there. Very good little establishing shot.

Silence now filled the air, as the sun was now gone from sight, hoisting himself onto the black horses back Richard flicked the rains making his way through the green forest the directions from the letter in mind.


That's a bit off there with the ordering. It would be better if you put it like The sun was now gone from sight and silence nor filled the air. Hoisting himself onto the black horse's back, Richard...

The undergrowth crackling under the mustang’s hooves as the two traveled in silence allowing the night animals to sing their songs.


That should be crackled.

“Ha! Now kiss me boots, or meat your fate!?” He said a look of pure glee coming onto his round face.


That should be meet.

“So, you can’t say what Daddy told you!” Richard wines his face turning into a pout.


That should be whines.

Stepping to the side Tyler put out one of his feet, tripping his brother, and sending him to the floor.


Comma there and you have to add that word.

“Stop being mean to your brother!” A fist came down on Tyler’s head.


I think this was to be a friendly pat but the whole fist description makes it sound like he was going a good hard whack on the head.

"Okay, Mom.” Tyler said, casing a look over at his brother who was grinning at him evilly. “This isn’t over you little rat!” he threatens.

Lifting an eyebrow Richard only walks past him saying in a hushed voice. “We shall see.”


This whole scene is amazing and gives a good idea of how they were as a family so great job on that.

And that's it for this one.

Overall: It did a good job of showing the motivation that he's going to have throughout this story. Captures all of that pretty well and its all quite realistic.

As always remember to take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Thank you for the review! Your starting to get to the good bits and I'm all excited!
I thought the flash back would be a good way for you as the reader to understand how close Richard was to his brother and parents, so when they are mentioned you hopefully feel his emotions. Don't know.

Until next time!

Your Welcome!!!
Yaa the flash back did its job.

I'm glad to hear that!

User avatar
mythh
Review
mythh wrote a review Review · May 5, 2020

Hey Fee! Myth here, and I'll be reviewing your chapter today.

I enjoyed reading this one. It picked up where the last chapter ended, pretty well :)

Okay! Let's begin.

Firstly, I think continuing where you ended in the last chapter is a smooth way to start another chapter, and I've noticed this in the previous chapters too.

I think the paragraphs and "idea-shifts" -change of themes- flowed pretty well, so I wasn't confused at any point in the story.

Now, for the nitpicks;

Throwing knives, daggers, throwing stars, and the Gem

I just wanted to clarify why the 'G' is capitalized because, even though the 'gem' is the only one of it's kind, you can't capitalize on a noun unless you name the category itself.

Their mothers said

This should be "their mother said," because there's only one mother.

I also noticed that you keep mixing up "their" and "there". Just remember that "their" is belonging and "there" is a place.

Well, coming to the plot.

A FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT! Yes and not to forget, this is I think the third time Richard's sorrow is portrayed and it's stunning how it's shown in three different ways but all over the same thing.

Here we are introduced to Tyrel and also how their parents were as, well, parents.

This was a great chapter :) (waiting for the next part!)

KEEP WRITING!!!!

Yours sincerely,
Grav :D

Thank you Myth! Some times I have typos with the Their and there, so I'll watch out for that.
I'm glad you liked the flashback, I thought it would be the best way to explain how Richard is feeling with out droning on and boring the reader. Lol this way you get to see something knew!
I'll try and finish the next chapter soon!

mythh replied · May 6, 2020

Yeah, I thought that it was a typo so I just pointed out. YES, YOU BETTER FINISH CHAPTER 12 soon!

I feel like I've been threatened. O.O

User avatar
Lib
Review
Lib wrote a review Review · May 2, 2020

Heya Flames!

Hope you're doing well. I'm here to drop off a review!

Aw, poor Richard is so sad. </3 But at least he finally read the letter! The attention you gave to the tears were beautiful. I could picture it perfectly.

He's going to leave right away? Okay, that seems a bit sudden.

I mean, if someone had a quest to figure out what the King's plans are, they'd at least have a plan of their own. I know that Richie is still shook by what he learned and he has hopes that maybe Tyler is alive (I hope so too).

Honestly though, I had hoped he'd talk it out with someone. Rachel, Ryan maybe even Mikel. ;-; Maybe he's going encounter some problems and regret not discussing it with someone? We shall see...

Also, that last flash back is so cute!! <3 Tyler and Richard are adorable. x3

I have one suggestion! Like I always tell people, you should go through your piece before posting it to avoid minor mistakes like spelling or saying mom instead of dad or him instead of her, etc.

Okay, when that's it for my review! I hope this helped in some sort of way. Let me know if you have any questions! Can't wait for the next chapter~

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty

Thank you for the review Lib! He kind of has a plan in mind, his following the letter him mother left behind, then I will have him form a final plan. Remember his mother said that her and his father had left notes about the king in their hideout. So I thought it would be better if he went to the hideout then formed the final plan once reading over the notes.

Also this is only the first draft of the story, and I'm planing on starting again once this book is done.

Lib replied · May 3, 2020

Ohh! Okay, right, right.

Lol, when I rewrite I'll try and put that across more.

User avatar
ShannKenn
Review
ShannKenn wrote a review Review · May 2, 2020

First of all, I love the colourful scenes that you have successfully painted. I can almost see those last rays of sunlight glancing off of the water as the night rolls in.
I think that some work on your use of punctuation and sentence structure would be beneficial. There are some sentences where you have added uneccesary commas, such as "the last rays of burnt orange, and crimson red", and others where using a full stop instead of a comma would have been better suited to aid the flow. The great thing about writing fiction is that you can take some creative liberties with how you apply the rules ;)
The best thing I can recommend (from my own experience) to improve in this area is to read. Books in the same genre as what you are aiming to write are a great go-to!
I'm a lover of fantasy/adventure stories - I'll definitely go back and read through this from the first chapter. Keep going! :D

Thank you for the review! Once a finish the book, I'll might start again, and fix up what it missed.



If you have a dream, you have a duty to make it come true.
— Marco Pierre White