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Young Writers Society


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Conquest of Shadows Chapter 13

by FlamingPhoenix


Cold sweat ran down Richard’s back as he watched the three men approach at a rapid pace each one had no emotion in their cold eyes. Richard’s sword collided with the first man’s, the mettle scraping against one another sending small yellow and orange sparks into the crisp air.

Gritting his teeth Richard tried to hold his ground, but with the two other guys approaching there wasn't must he could do but try and get out of there, he just had to wait for the right moment.

To his left, he saw the third man jump into the air, his swords in position.In one rapid crossing motion, his blades sliced through the air their sharp edges catching the moonbeams coming through one of the windows.

Looking above him Richard saw a poll hanging from the ceiling, it was old and rusted but it would have to do. It wasn't the best idea he had ever had, but it was all he could do right now.Jumping up, Richard grabbed onto the poll feeling it loosen by the extra weight.

Below him, he heard the swords collide with one another, not having enough time to stop the attack their weapons intertangled. Eyes narrowing Richard jumped down landing on one of the men's shoulders pushing them to the floor that was soon followed by the rest. As he ran towards the door he made sure too pickup his swords he had dropped.

He made a beeline for the exit to the prison, maybe if he found a place to hide he could sneak up on them? It wasn’t the best plan, he would much rather stay and fight them head-on, but, he knew that was stupid and would get him killed faster than he would like.

As he ran he put his swords away in their cases, the staircase was slippery under his feet, the dirt and water making it hard to get a firm grip, a loud crash and shouting came from within the prison, Richard could only assume they were chasing after him.

Stealing a quick glancing behind him he saw the slight movement of a shadow along the floor but it soon was out of sight as he turned a corner running down a long hall, making a quick right he charged into the weapon room hastily Richard ran over to the shelf that was covered in the bows and arrows, grabbing one Richard loading an arrow onto the string, pulling it back up to his chin he edged over to the door, he could hear to sound of heavy footsteps on the floor heading in his direction, he didn’t know why he always got himself into these types of situations and why he always faced it head-on, sometimes there was the right time to run…but a part of him wanted to know why these men were after him, and how they found him. Letting out a large sigh Richard walked further up to the door, maybe if he attacked them firsts this time he would get the upper hand, though he highly doubted it.

Suddenly there was a loud crash and the sound of metal scraping against mettle sounded along the hall walls, screams of pain echoed out through the corridors, loud thuds were soon heard silence following after.

Walking out into the hall his bow still loaded Richard looked around, the torches that aligned the hall walls were still lit having a slight flicker and movement to them like there was a wind blowing through a window somewhere. Taking a step back Richard looked down at the blood coated bodies before him. He didn’t understand, what happened? Who did this to them? Was there someone else one there? Walking up to the bodies Richard inspected the cuts that ran over their bodies, they were clean and done with precision, whoever had done this knew where they were doing. Blue eyes narrowing Richard lowered his bow who knows when this stranger would attack again? Suddenly the sound of feet slipping against floor made Richard spin around his bow yet again drawn but he was only met with darkness as something came hurling towards him.

A bright light pierced his vision as Richard opened his eyes, what happened? Suddenly a throbbing pain ran over him as his left temple began to scream in pain. Richard tried to reach up to rub it but found his hands bound together behind the back of his chair.

Hissing out in pain Richard tried to get the knot undone, he could feel the rope rub his skin raw. As his fingers moved around the rope pulling and tugging in all directions he began to feel it loosen, a small gin formed on his face as he began undoing the knot.

“Any further and those hands are coming off.” Came a sinister voice, it sounded muffled as if a mask was covering his mouth.

Straining his neck Richard tried to turn around and see who had spoken, but there was only darkness. Looking to his right he could see another man sitting in the chair, his head was down and his eyes were closed, to Richard he looked dead, but the only sign he was alive was the slow rise and fall of his chest.

Richard’s eyes could see the fine outline of a man’s shadow standing a little behind the other man’s chair. He could feel a cold chill run down his back as he watched the shadow move around until it was a few meters from him.

A small cracking sound could be heard as the small flicker of hot, orange flames could be seen rising from one of the torch holders. The yellow light seemed to over the man in a fine golden glow as his figure began to stand out.

With the torchlight provided Richard could still not catch a glimpse of the man’s face as a creamy white mask with small black and red spirals covered his face.

“HEY! Who are you and what do you want with me?” Richard bellowed full of rage, clanging his hands that were still tide.

The man let out a low chuckle but said nothing as he walked over to the other man who was still passed out in his chair. Grabbing him by the hair the masked man looked him over, Richard could tell his face must be in a frown as he saw his blueish green eyes look from him to the other man. Standing up he walked over to Richard.

“There were four men like him there were after you?” He said jabbing a finger at the man behind him. “Do you know why?”

Richard gave him a scornful look, his eyes narrowing, “And why would I tell you that?”

“Hmm…” The man seemed to be debating something. “Well, I didn’t think you had a choice?” Picking up a cased blade from behind him, the man removed it and ran a dark cloth over its fine blade.

Richard kept his mouth sealed shut, why would he tell this man anything, and if he did how much? Should he mention the gem? No, what if he was working for the King’s guard and was sent after me and everyone else he cared about, but then if he was with the King wouldn’t he know about the assassins?

Richard stared up at him defiantly, he had to find a way out of this. Anything could happen at any moment. Looking around he could tell he was still in his parent’s hideout in the canyons stone walls, though the room didn’t seem familiar, it must be a room he hadn’t seen. He could see the masked man was still looking at him the sword still in hand.

Richard watched him stand and walk over to the other man that was slowly gaining consciousness his brown eyes looking around the room in confusion. “W…Where am I?” He asked as he blinked against the firelight.

“That doesn’t matter.” The man spat as he pointed his sword at him. “Who do you work for?” His voice was full of venom.

The man didn't say a word only glared up at him. Richard watched as the sword pointed at him became only a few centimeters from his throat.

"I will only ask once more," The man in the white mask snarled the sword edging closer, "Who do you working for?"

“I…I work for the King.” The man stuttered out still confused and dazed, but his eyes pinned on the sword.

Hissing the masked man growled out. “And what are you doing out here in the canyons?”

Clearing his throat he stammered out. “I and a few other men were sent to assassinate a boy the King thinks could be a threat to him.”

“You mean those men?” The other man jabbed a finger at the other three bodies in the corner.

It looks like he doesn’t work for the king after all. Richard frowned, if he didn’t work for the king then why would he tie him up. He hadn’t done anything wrong…had he? He guesses there must be a reason, maybe he thought he worked for the king?

The brown locks of the man next to Richard stuck to his head as beads of sweat ran down his face. “How? We are the best-trained assassins the King has, how…how did you kill them?” His voice became enraged as his hands turned into fists.

“Well…he better think twice about attacking other kingdoms if you are the best he's got.” Even though a mask covered his face, his voice still came out sickly calm. "And what of the boy? Where is he now?"

"I...I don't know." The brown-haired man hisses, rage evident on his voice.

Lowering his sword the tall man turned towards Richard, “And you, what are you doing in the canyons?” His voice remained calm, but Richard saw his grip on his sward tighten.

Letting out a low sigh Richard began to debate if he should tell the truth or make something up? But if he told him a lie there was a very large chance the man could tell.

“I just happened to wander in.” Richard blurted, avoiding eye contact. He could feel the hair along his back stand up on end, one wrong move and he could be like the other men in the corner, and he knew the truth is probably not what he would like to hear, ‘Oh hey I’m also an assassin planning to kill your king, oh and I have this gem that explodes in command, and could do lots of other things too. Would you let me go now?’ Yeah, he did not see that conversation going well…well on his end anyway.

The other man thankfully didn’t think much of it and turned to the man next to Richard. “I’ll think of something to do with you later.” He snarled grabbing the man by the arm and hoisting him up pushing him out the room.

Once the two of them were gone Richard hurriedly looked around for anything that could help him escape. His eyes court the small glint of mettle in the corner the firelight reflected off its surface. He wasn’t sure what weapon it could be, but if he could untie himself from the chair and get to it before the masked man returned there could be a slight chance for him to escape.

Yet again he fiddled with the rope around his hands, the skin on his wrists becoming red from the friction, untying the last knot Richard let at a small ‘yes’ of victory as he moved onto the rope around his ankles. Back when he trained with Ryan he didn’t understand why tying and untying knots was so important but right now he can only be grateful. Once all the knots were undone Richard ran for the weapon in the corner, he let out a breath of relief when he saw it was a sword. Picking it up Richard made his way over to the door, leaning against the wall he peered out searching the halls of any sign the other man could be making his way back. The only sign of movement was the torches fire flickering in a slight breeze.

‘It’s now or never,’ Richard thought slipping out into the hallway, his grip on the swords handle tightening with every second that passed.Darting down the hallway Richard made a quick right done a rather dark and narrow hallway, torched burned but their embers were low and only gave off a low glow. Richard seemed to walk for a few minutes turning left and right when he heard the sound of hurried footsteps behind him, had the other man realized he was missing?

Not wanting to find out Richard picked up his pace into a run darting down the halls at top speed. He gritted his teeth when he almost lost his footing on the stones, scrambling around the corner he managed to catch a glimpse behind him only to see a dark shadow a few meters behind him.

What was he doing? There was no way he was going to get out of here if he had someone following him, they would just keep going even when he gets out the canyon, besides he had a few questions he would like to ask him.

Closing his eyes Richard let out a long sigh what better time than the present. Swinging around Richard swung his sword out, he smiled a little when he heard a tearing found followed by a small hiss of pain. Narrowing his blue eyes Richard looked into the masked face of the man in front of him who was clutching his bleeding arm.

“I knew there was something different about you.” He said in a low voice, standing up trait his head tilted like he was smiling slyly under the mask.

Richard didn’t say a word only glared at him.

Reaching for his swords one in each hand the other man began to approach, his footsteps quiet, like a cat approaching its prey.

Richard knew he wasn’t going to last long against a man who could use two swords, especially when he only had one. Relaxing his body Richard knew his only chance out of this would have to be more nimble than his opponent which looks a lot hard said than done.

A flash of mettle then past Richard’s face colliding with his blade as he lifted it to block the attack. The two exchanged plows like this for a while Richard often having the doge and maneuver and get shots in when he could.

Richard could feel his hopes rising when he managed to get his sword in and cut the other man’s side, this made his flinch away but not much else. Though his hopes were soon crushed when his feet feel out from under him.

The wind was knocked out of Richard as his back hit the floor, sharp pain running up his back and over his body. Glancing up Richard saw the sliver tips of the blades pointed down at him a few centimeters from his face.


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Fri Jun 26, 2020 6:36 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

The chapter before last.

First Impression: Two great fight scenes which is amazing. And also very mysterious man and another great cliffhanger.

Richard’s sword collided with the first man’s, the mettle scraping against one another sending small yellow and orange sparks into the crisp air.


We interrupt this review to bring you History time with the Prince of Darkness. Okay sparks from swords. I'm not saying sparks will never fly from a sword. But on what is essentially the first move in a fight it would never happen. You see sparks are when the sword gets really hot and the hits the edge of another sword really hard. This cause a piece of the sword to got so hot that it breaks off and glows creating a spark. So sparks happening in a sword fight would be if say you're in battle for several hours (stabbing lots of people tends to heat up your sword [please don't ask me how I know that]) and then at such a point you might get sparks. But usually you don't get sparks unless its a movie and the movie ones are fake.
Now back to your regularly scheduled review.

Looking above him Richard saw a poll hanging from the ceiling, it was old and rusted but it would have to do. It wasn't the best idea he had ever had, but it was all he could do right now. Jumping up, Richard grabbed onto the poll feeling it loosen by the extra weight.


Those should both be pole

Below him, he heard the swords collide with one another, not having enough time to stop the attack their weapons intertangled. Eyes narrowing Richard jumped down landing on one of the men's shoulders pushing them to the floor that was soon followed by the rest. As he ran towards the door he made sure too pickup his swords he had dropped.


I don't think there's a word called intertangled. Go for something like intertwined. Also that last bit should be chopped. We already know that. It doesn't need to mentioned again.

As he ran he put his swords away in their cases, the staircase was slippery under his feet, the dirt and water making it hard to get a firm grip, a loud crash and shouting came from within the prison, Richard could only assume they were chasing after him.


You don't usually call that a case. It either a sheath or a scabbard.

Stealing a quick glancing behind him he saw the slight movement of a shadow along the floor but it soon was out of sight as he turned a corner running down a long hall, making a quick right he charged into the weapon room hastily Richard ran over to the shelf that was covered in the bows and arrows, grabbing one Richard loading an arrow onto the string, pulling it back up to his chin he edged over to the door, he could hear to sound of heavy footsteps on the floor heading in his direction, he didn’t know why he always got himself into these types of situations and why he always faced it head-on, sometimes there was the right time to run…but a part of him wanted to know why these men were after him, and how they found him. Letting out a large sigh Richard walked further up to the door, maybe if he attacked them firsts this time he would get the upper hand, though he highly doubted it.


This part is lovely. It builds the tension nicely. Also new word for the day: the word for loading an arrow onto a bow is knocking an arrow.

Taking a step back Richard looked down at the blood coated bodies before him. He didn’t understand, what happened? Who did this to them? Was there someone else one there? Walking up to the bodies Richard inspected the cuts that ran over their bodies, they were clean and done with precision, whoever had done this knew where they were doing.


Saying they were covered in blood and then following it up with saying that the they were clean cuts sounds a bit contradictory but I get what you're saying. Maybe rephrase it a little bit.

As his fingers moved around the rope pulling and tugging in all directions he began to feel it loosen, a small gin formed on his face as he began undoing the knot.


That should be grin.

“HEY! Who are you and what do you want with me?” Richard bellowed full of rage, clanging his hands that were still tide.


That should be tied

"Well, I didn’t think you had a choice?” Picking up a cased blade from behind him, the man removed it and ran a dark cloth over its fine blade.


That should be sheathed. You never say cased.

It looks like he doesn’t work for the king after all. Richard frowned, if he didn’t work for the king then why would he tie him up. He hadn’t done anything wrong…had he? He guesses there must be a reason, maybe he thought he worked for the king?


That should be guesses

“I just happened to wander in.” Richard blurted, avoiding eye contact. He could feel the hair along his back stand up on end, one wrong move and he could be like the other men in the corner, and he knew the truth is probably not what he would like to hear, ‘Oh hey I’m also an assassin planning to kill your king, oh and I have this gem that explodes in command, and could do lots of other things too. Would you let me go now?’ Yeah, he did not see that conversation going well…well on his end anyway.


I love that last bit. Funny but so true.

Once the two of them were gone Richard hurriedly looked around for anything that could help him escape. His eyes court the small glint of mettle in the corner the firelight reflected off its surface.


That should be metal but you should probably use something like steel there. Using metal all the time would be repetitive.

What was he doing? There was no way he was going to get out of here if he had someone following him, they would just keep going even when he gets out the canyon, besides he had a few questions he would like to ask him.


That should be got

A flash of mettle then past Richard’s face colliding with his blade as he lifted it to block the attack. The two exchanged plows like this for a while Richard often having the doge and maneuver and get shots in when he could.


That should be metal. Also that part is a little rushed. I think you should show a couple of dodges, lunges and stuff and drag that to a couple of paragraphs instead of just saying they did it for a while. Also were they at a farmer's convention to be exchanging plows? I think you meant blows.

The wind was knocked out of Richard as his back hit the floor, sharp pain running up his back and over his body. Glancing up Richard saw the sliver tips of the blades pointed down at him a few centimeters from his face.


Now that's an ending. I'm so glad you get another chapter out. If this was the last one I read the cliffhanger would have been killing me.

And that's it for this.

Overall: Amazing fight scenes. That second one felt a touch rushed but the first one was perfect. And this mysterious man seems to be very interesting. Let's see what happens.

As always remember to take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.

P.S. I hope I'm not boring you to death with the history stuff. Its just that I know a thing or two about sword fighting and I just wanted to let you know.

Stay Safe
Harry






Oh I didn't know that about swords! Well I'll try to remember that for later chapters! Thanks for the lesson. ;)
And don't worry about the history lessons, it really helps me because this is my first draft and I don't know much about swords and stuff, so this helps me a ton!
Lol Maybe I should have put off posting the next chapter, though I want to see your reaction!
Yeah your right the second fight does feel a little rushed, I'll try and slow it down when I rewrite.
These reviews are so helpful, thank you so much!



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!!!
Professor Harry will continue to make some appearances then.
Also OH No!! That would have been pure evil to put it off.





I know that's why I posted it as soon as I could!



KateHardy says...


Thank you for your kindness. :)





XD I can't help it, it just leeks out of me. ;)



KateHardy says...


*bows in respect*





*Giggles*



KateHardy says...


*kneels down and bows even lower*





*waves hand* know need to bow!



KateHardy says...


*gets up*
*offers hand to shake*





*shakes hand*



KateHardy says...


"Friends?"





*Grins* "Yup!"



KateHardy says...


*breaks into a dance*





*laughs trying to imitate the same dance*



KateHardy says...


*laughs along*



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Tue Jun 16, 2020 12:32 pm
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Shadeflame wrote a review...



Hi FlamingPhoenix! It's Shade here to give a review!

This is my first time reviewing this story, so I might get a few things wrong about the characters. If I do, please ignore what I said about the characters. Also, I'm going to be a little nit-picky, so please don't be offended.

Okay. The chapter starts out interesting, with our man Richard in a little bit of trouble here. That is good, it draws the reader in.

Cold sweat ran down Richard’s back as he watched the three men approach at a rapid pace. Each one had no emotion in their cold eyes.

I think this sentence is a bit too long, and you could put a period in.

Richard’s sword collided with the first man’s, the mettle scraping against one another sending small yellow and orange sparks into the crisp air.

You misspelled "metal" and instead you put "mettle." They are both valid words in the English language, but "mettle" means
English dictionary definition of mettle. inherent quality of character; fortitude; courage
Not to be confused with: metal - a hard substance such as gold, silver, or copper

There also should be a comma after "another" to help break up the sentence.

Looking above him Richard saw a poll hanging from the ceiling, it was old and rusted but it would have to do.

I think you mean "pole".

As he ran he put his swords away in their cases, the staircase was slippery under his feet, the dirt and water making it hard to get a firm grip, a loud crash and shouting came from within the prison, Richard could only assume they were chasing after him.

First, this sentence is too long, and now you've used too many commas. I would consider dividing it into two or three different sentences.
Also, instead of saying "As he ran he put his swords away in their cases" it should be "As he ran, he sheathed his swords"

Stealing a quick glancing behind him he saw the slight movement of a shadow along the floor but it soon was out of sight as he turned a corner running down a long hall, making a quick right he charged into the weapon room hastily Richard ran over to the shelf that was covered in the bows and arrows, grabbing one Richard loading an arrow onto the string, pulling it back up to his chin he edged over to the door, he could hear to sound of heavy footsteps on the floor heading in his direction, he didn’t know why he always got himself into these types of situations and why he always faced it head-on, sometimes there was the right time to run…but a part of him wanted to know why these men were after him, and how they found him. Letting out a large sigh Richard walked further up to the door, maybe if he attacked them firsts this time he would get the upper hand, though he highly doubted it.

Okay, this is much much much too long for a single sentence. You should definitely put periods in there. Also, "Stealing a quick glancing behind him" should be "Stealing a quick glance behind him".

Now Richard is picking up a bow, so I can tell that he is practiced in many types of weaponry. However, the way you wrote it was unrealistic. I'm guessing that this bow is a reasonable size for a grown man, and it has a pretty heavy draw weight. Draw weight, in archery, describes the effort in pounds needed to draw an arrow to a specified amount. The bows are graded according to their draw weight.
Richard is muscular, I can see that from how he can manage to fight with a sword, but even for him this is a bit much. There is no way, that he could manage to hold the bow at full draw (that means to have the arrow pulled back all the way in preparation to shoot it) for more than like (I'm just guessing here) 10 seconds. He walks out with it fully drawn. Also, I'm not sure why he didn't drop the bow when he found those men dead outside and just use his swords. He seemed more comfortable with them. Actually, why did he pick up a bow at all? Bows are useful for long ranged combat, but the men that were chasing him were right outside. A sword would have been much more help to him.

Blue eyes narrowing Richard lowered his bow who knows when this stranger would attack again?

Richard, Richard. What are you doing here? Why are you lowering your bow, when immediately after you think "who knew when the stranger would attack again?"
This doesn't make any sense at all. Richard is a fighting man, so why would he lower his guard when three men were murdered in front of the door to the room he was in. He would be even more attentive, his every sense taut, trying to find the person, or thing that had killed the men.

The interrogation scene was a little confusing, but overall it made sense. One thing I noticed about your writing, however, is that you don't use enough commas, so you should work on that. I loved that you've ended your chapter on another cliffhanger, so I can't wait to see what happens to Richard. I hope I wasn't too harsh, and feel free to ignore my advice because you are the writer and therefore in charge of your own story.

Keep writing!
-Shade






Hey Shade thank you for the review, you picked up on Richards character rather quickly which is a good thing, right?

Anyway I agree with that you have said I got a little excited at one point because my writers block had lifted so I must have forgotten to put commas in, that also brings up anther thing, I know I'm not so good with comma placing as I am watching out for that.
I'm happy you liked it that i ended on a cliffhanger, i would like to hear what you think about the chapters before this one.
And the interrogation scene how do you think I could make it better?

And again thanks for the review! If you want to be tagged just ask.



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Mon Jun 15, 2020 7:32 pm
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Overwatchful wrote a review...



I'm all caught up! You're still missing a few commas, and when the stranger was interrogating the other man, it was a little unclear about what was going on. Maybe work on streamlining Richard's thought process a little bit?

"his voice still came out sickly calm."

Sickly usually isn't used that way, maybe try sickeningly instead?

In regards to the story, I think this is great! I was thinking that the stranger would be Richard's brother, but his eyes are the wrong color, so...

Hope this helped! Keep doing what you're doing!






Thanks for pointing out those mistakes! I'll make sure to watch out for things like that in the future.
I thought his brother had blue eyes too? Maybe I wrote it wrong in the chapter where I mentioned him.



Overwatchful says...


Maybe I just misunderstood %uD83E%uDD37%uD83C%uDFFB%u200D%u2640%uFE0F





No, no it was me, I said sea-green, so I went back and changed it to blueish green. :D




gonna be honest, i dont believe in the moon
— sheyren