Hi FlamingPhoenix, Felistia here was review for you.
Anyway onto the review.
The people that were busy doing their daily chores darted out of the way, letting out small yells of fright, as the two running people passed.
This sentence came across as a bit clunky. Maybe reword it. I'm terrible at explaining so I'll show you what I mean. Here's an idea.
People going about there day darted out the way with small yelps of fright as the two men ran past.
You don't have to write it that way. I was just demonstrating how you could reword it to make it flow better.
This goes for quite a few of the sentences in this chapter. Look through and if you find your self stumbling as you read the sentence consider writing it in a different way or remove unnecessary words. The young man in the cloak’s dark blue eyes darted from one place to the next in need of a way to get ahead of the person in front of him, when he saw a space between two buildings he quickly made a sharp turn having to kick his legs out along the ground and place one of his gloved hands onto the sand to help with the turn he hurriedly got back on his feet again racing down the ally, the darkness engulfing him in shadows as he ran.
This is a very long sentence and runs on. Break it up into three to four pieces to have it flow better.
Having said that I love the way you described the action. It was very easy to picture and was a great move for the main character.
Not taking a second to think he made a sharp turn to the right, running along the back of the building. As he did, he reached behind him with his right hand and removed his long silver sword from its sheath. Up ahead he could see another small gap between two more buildings. Making a dart for it, he lifted his sword above his left shoulder and made a swift slice at the entrance, his sword colliding with the legs of the person he was pursuing.
Love this sequence. You do a really great job when it comes to describing how your character moves and reactions to the situation. However I do have one nit-pick. You say sword a lot in this passage. Use other words such as weapon, blade, etc. If your character is using a long sword you could even use the word katana
Lifting his left elbow the blue eyes man jabbed it into the other man’s back sending him even further to the floor, sweat, and dust covering his face the fallen man looked up at the cloaked figure his dark brown eyes full of pain and hate.
Another great example of you showing and not telling. However I didn't feel that the very last bit read as well as the rest. This is an example where you could use more interesting words. Here's an example
Lifting his left elbow the blue eyes man jabbed it into the other man’s back sending him even further to the floor. Pain twisted the fallen man's sweaty face as he looked up at the cloaked figure, his dark brown eyes boiling with hate.
Again you don't have to write it this way. It's just an example. Also I took out dust as you used it in this paragraph already and in the next sentence you say this.
so I don't think you need it three times.Leaning down he swiftly placed the sword at the dusty man’s neck.
The cloaked man snarled under the mask that covered his face up to his nose, “This belongs to the people! What are you doing with it?” He asked, putting his weight down on the man on the ground.
“I will tell you nothing!” The other man spat, dust flying away from his mouth as he spoke.
“Do you want to rethink your answer?” The masked man asked as he placed the sword he has jabbed into the earth earlier back at his neck.
No nit-picks here. Just wanted to say that I love your dialogue. It's the part I struggle with when it comes to writing.
The masked man hissed out his blue eyes full of hate.
Okay just a general issue here. You describe this cloaked man as having blue eyes a lot. I like that you do that to keep the reader aware of which man is who, but you can use other words other than blue to describe it such as sapphire, azure, cobalt, etc.
“Yes!” The other man yelled back.
Not the smartest answer. Lol.
I think instead of telling the reader that there are hooves running against the dirt, add in the sort of sound it would make. Would it be pounding, clopping, thudding, etc.A little while passed when suddenly the sound of hooves could be heard running along the dirt.
Slowly the two made their way home, the golden sun sinking behind the dark mountains in the distance, an array of colors burst through the sky, sending light purples, oranges yellows, and reds into the darkening sky.
While this is a good description, it could be better if you added more description towards the end instead of listing off the colors.
The village was surrounded by a lush vast forest, providing the people with the food that was needed, they also hunted the animals that roamed the forest. Life in the village was simple for the most part, but when you have a greedy king always wanting more money, and always s wanting to expand his kingdom that’s when things become a little more complicated.
I feel that this is an awkward paragraph is comparison to your others. You do a lot of telling rather than showing here. If it's your character's thoughts then make it that, but as you've written it, it feel more like narration.
Removing the cloak from his head the man just let the wind run it icy grip through his spiky blond hair, his eyes sparkling with the joy of the run he quickly made his way home. He one day will set things right, even if it takes a lifetime.
Love the way you ended this chapter. Perfect.
Overall thought.
Overall an interesting first chapter. Don't know the main characters name yet, but he is compelling. From what I can see in this first chapter he seems to have a strong sense of what is right, however I get the feeling that he is also a little reckless.
On another note, you have to fix your grammar in that chapter. More so than spelling mistakes. There are a bunch of places where you use a comma instead of a full stop and it makes reading the story quite difficult.
I know that you're going to come back to edit this chapter when you've finished the first draft of the story, but I'd recommend just editing out the spelling and grammar mistakes as they take away from the chapter which is written really well.
Hope this review was helpful. Look forward to reading more from you. Please tag me for the next chapters.
Best regards
Felistia.
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