a snow-white blossom
with a ring of silky petals.
it's in a field of a weeds,
a meadow long forgotten.
it stands alive when death surrounds it,
adds some beauty to the dreary place.
can it stand alone
or will it wither like the rest?
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140,171 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I think this little poem could use, at most, one more stanza. You have some good imagry going on here but you need to enlongate it a little. The word choice was excellent and it conjoured up such a powerful picture in my head,
I enjoyed it and hope to find more of your work in future.
Hey Elinor Brynn! I would have to agree with most of the reviewers that it was an excellent poem but it felt that it was unfinished-perhaps extending it would fix this problem *wink,wink*. I loved the image you paint and the detail of the poem. Excellent choice of words and love the description of the surroundings. I also felt that the poem ended abruptly (but the last line was good).
Keep up the good work.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
Hey Elinor, I'm sorry to say that because this come across as unfinished it seems contrived and cliche, you give some vague ideas that could be good but the cliche stands out too much and due to this, the overall beauty of poem, words and all doesn't make me feel anything. There so much you can say with this, but for now what you write, pretty as it is. Has been said a thousand times and more.
My advice is to put your head down and read this, and give us something to really make us feel the powerful emotion. I know you can do it, because the poem shows you have a grasp on it, just need to make it feel less generic. Give it a unique spin to ya.
So in conclusion, you're almost there, just a little tweaking and you'll be off.
Hope this helps.
Hey. This is a really good poem. I think it has really good imagery, and meaning. But I do also agree that it can be worked on. I think though, with a little tweaking, it can be really good. For example, where you said, 'it stands alive when death surrounds it,' I don't think it worked as well, because you said 'it' at the start and end. If you just drop the last 'it', I think it will flow a lot better.
Hi, Eli!
Hm...I agree with Snoink: This is a good start, but might need a little tweaking.
You do realize that you're describing the same thing here, right? The blossom is the ring of petals! Change it to flower, maybe?
In a poem so short as this, you really can't afford the slightest bit of redundancy. Try rephrasing this in some way that takes away one or both of the "stand"'s.
Also, the title. You've called this poem, "The Withering Flower." In the last two lines, you end with a question; will it survive to continue to bring beauty to the field? Or will it die away? Well, you've already told me that it's dying in the title, so duh; it's not going to survive! It kind of ruined it for me.
Hey Eli!
This is a good start, but it is by no means a final draft! The next question you should ask yourself is WHY is this particular image important? Also, how does death surround it, really? Pesticide? Dead squirrels who were poisoned? You need to clarify this image, which is obviously important, otherwise the whole meaning of the poem kind of doesn't fall together.
Hope that helps!
This is very pretty. Its not exactly epic, but definitely quote-worthy.
I like the picture this poem creates, but I do whish it were a bit longer.