The land of the faeries
is a pastel dream of purple and pink
each food is a delicacy
from moon-juice to pink-sugar toast;
no one goes hungry
everyone's happy and rich,
equally treated.
it’s been like this for thousands of years
but wasn't always this way
the dark faeries to the south
are rebels who were tortured
mutated
and outcasted
they, hate the imperials
and want nothing more then to kill them off.
Rebel again.
The chances are slim,
The threat has always loomed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey Eli! Here to review. : )
); instead I'll just give you my thoughts on this as a whole.
See what I mean? There's so beat to this, no ebb and flow of syllables and imagery. It was just THERE.
So I'm not going to go much into the nitpicks (it's Reviewing Sunday!
So. Erm. Thoughts. I like the idea of this (oh, why do I say that so many times in the poetry forums?!), but that's where it ends. The title intrigued me simply because I knew there would be an abundance of Pandora-ish imagery, and I wanted some brain-food of that nature. In that sense, I was only mildly disappointed, and I'll explain why.
For one, this read more like a list of notes for a short story. Like, "Okay, everything's perfect. There's lots of pink and rosey colors, and a bunch of flowers. Remember to add that cool little bit about the dark faeries."
One thing I would suggest would be to obviously fix that. BE the poet! Put on your thinking cap and make the words formal and flowing.
Also, as far as the story goes. I think you should take away the whole "dark faerie" thing. That's first. Then, expand on the setting a little more. Describe the people and how they interact. Make it sound really cheerful and carefree. Then towards the end, the clincher! Create a very vague sort of enemy, such as a creepy shadow (well, you could describe it as a shadow), or the flaws that this world and its people both share but are trying to hide. That would be cool! If you ever read the sequel to Sea of Trolls by Nancy Farmer, you know what I mean. I forget what the actual book is called, but it involves elves who live separated from the rest of the world. There's a "flame" that they never allow to go out; if they do, they see themselves as what they are: old and ugly, and their land is covered in ash. You could definitely incorporate some of that into this poem.
Hope I could help!
I still can't get over the whole Neopets Faerie Cloud feel to this entire poem.
... So, everything pretty, everyone is happy and it's all lala land? Please, some metaphors if your going to use such a cliche that couldn't possibly happen. Right now you're giving us a grocery list of perfection. I don't think there has ever been a day that everyone was happy, rich and treated fairly. But fine, if you want that, don't tell us. Make us realize it. Metaphors that twist what you're saying, and allow the reader to piece things together, and they have that AHA! moment were they figure out what you're trying to tell them through comparisons and meaningful words.
If you're telling us everything is perfect in a pink and purple world, okay? What's the gain in that? You've told me this like a textbook would, as it's a fact. If you're going to state things in poetry, use disambiguations to do so. You can't say everyone is happy and that's the way it is.
And this applies to the rest of your poem, it sounds like a history lecture about this land of faeries. And it's not the kind I want to attend.
Like I said, simply stating things in a factual way is not going to make a poem. Where are the metaphors? The similes etc.
Use this in your poetry, don't pull out the neopets textbook and find someplace pretty and expect us to have feelings for it.
Also, I don't usually point out grammar but:
that comma irks me so. Also, this line is a good example. How do they feel about these imperials? They hate them? Great that's descriptive and give me a perfect idea of how they feel towards these imperial figures. (Not really) Don't use common words to describe powerful emotions. Create an image around it, linked to your poem. I don't know, so much so that the pastel colours are washed away by a black tide. Or something, anything really. Don't expect your reader to know how to hate, how to feel hate, or love, or perfection. You have to feel it for them and with them, then show them your understanding of it in the context of the poem.
Best of luck,
Kamas
*Edited*
Hey, El!
I've read this poem a few times very recently, trying to decide if I liked it or not. It didn't stand out to me as something I loved; yet, it didn't seem at all awful to me in anyway. It's more that this poem doesn't grab me, it doesn't pull me in to this whimsical world of faeries that you're trying to create.
Obviously there is potential. Here, I feel that the potential is in the world you've created rather than the story you also try to cram in at the end. The world is full of possibilities which, with the pastel line, we get a hint of. That line nearly opens a door to this wonderful, almost dreamlike and fanciful, world you could be creating, and almost do create. But, when your style becomes more telling instead of showing, we lost this world and instead begin to be told about a conflict plot that doesn't fit in at all with what you're trying to tell us. I like the idea that there could be a hint of menace over this place, but we do not get the feeling of menace, or foreshadowing over the perfect place; instead we are told about a definite conflict, which is much less interesting.
The beginning is good. I love the last line here, although I'm not so fond of the second. But, all in all, it's a good start. You give us something concrete, this land of faeries, and yet still leave aspects up to the reader to imagine - and they will.
Here is just where you lose me. The first two lines of this part just annoy me. You're giving us this information ... that's it. I'm not imagining anything, or questioning anything, or thinking about the lines. As I'm sure people have said many times (
The next lines, where you describe the actions, also don't grab me. Again, you're just saying what they're doing. And there are so many intricacies that you could go into here. This poem could be floaty, so you could almost go off into tangents with it - as thought you were following a train of thought, whilst still keeping in line with the topic, too. And the food you talk about could be so much more interesting! Just think about the flavours you could describe, etc. Could be amazing.
And this I just don't enjoy. As I said earlier, a hint of menace, an ominous tone, could be great at the end of this piece. But, instead, the conflict you describe is too literal, too tangible. As before, I am not questioning or thinking about anything here. I just accept what you're saying because, well, I can't do anything else. And you want people to be able to interpret things in their own way, whilst still directing them in a fashion.
Overall, I think that the potential far outweighs the standard it reaches at the moment. I'm excited to see where you could go with this!
Sorry if this review was too vague, or leaves you with questions. Feel free to PM me. ^.^
-Amy
Hello Ellie! Here as requested.
So, I really liked the idea behind this, this whimsical world and dreamy atmosphere. I, too, liked the pastel line the best, but I felt that there wasn't much imagery here that we could work with. The whole point to this poem is apparently trying to describe this fantasy world, but I came away from it not being able to imagine it very clearly.
"Everything perfect" is not a line you want to use, given that it's empty description and doesn't help our vision of this place. It's telling, not showing, and in this case the latter would work better.
The second line confused me. I read it as "tears" like "tear-drops", crying, and I thought you had forgotten the preposition "in" before "this place". But that would've been an odd mistake, so I realized that you're probably aiming for "tears" as a verb, like ripping the place apart. And while I'm glad that you're trying to use some interesting verbs (verbs are such wonderful, colorful words) I don't think "tears" is the right one.
This "they", the faeries, is kind of a shadowy group. You seem to spend more time describing the surroundings than the actual people, which I found interesting. I'd like more knowledge about "them" before this line.
Now, this is the part I really didn't like. Prior to this ending, the poem was about a world and their lifestyle, and that was fine. But here you try to introduce conflict, and it feels like you're cramming a plot at the very end just to make the world appear more two-dimensional, when, if you work on sprucing up your images a bit more, wouldn't be necessary anyway. The last three lines each open up a flood of questions, so instead of closing off the poem at the end to reach a satisfactory conclusion, you start all these new threads and leave them unexplained. The idea is intriguing-- a fifteen year old faerie queen with a runaway sister? Cool. You could even try and develop that into a story somehow. But it doesn't fit in this poem, especially not tacked on at the end like this.
Overall, I like the whimsical and airy feel of this. It's fantasy in the purest sense of the world, which is fun. Now you just need to work on the delivery. You had some good images, but they were lacking the "Wow!" effect of poetry. When conjuring images, you want them to be unique and vivid and you want them to float off the page into the reader's palms. "Go race in the clouds" is an awesome idea in theory, but that sort of delivery isn't going to make it come alive. Metaphors, similes, drawing parallels-- use poetic devices to deepen the images. Instead of skimming the surface of an image, take the time to portray it in a new light. In no way am I saying to copy their ideas, but take a look at Kylan's and Kamas's (and Galerius, if you can find his poems before he deletes them) poetry just to get an idea of that intense, exposed sort of imagery. If you can take a bit of that and wrap it around this idea, it'll be easier to visualize and even more enjoyable!
^_~ Best of luck, good job, and PM me for anything!
~Evi
Hey Elinor!
My favourite thing about your poem is the fluency and flow of each line. They blend quite well and despite the absence of grammar, the poem does have a comfortable pace. Your use of alliteration in the Pastels line probably stands out as the best line in terms of vivid imagery, but I love your ending. The way it's written as though it were a cliff hanger in a novel.
I don't think you should use "but" because it makes thist 'twist' seem quite cheesy and lacks the dramatic effect I feel it should have. However, you could keep "but" in there, yet make it more dramatic by saying something like: "but could that be coming to an end?" End just seems a bit more powerful, you know?
Just think it sounds a bit better, but upto you!
So, I think the best part of this poem is the vivid imagery and the control from each line to the next line, which maintains the fluency and pace very well. However, there's just a few odd bits where a twist of the words will help this poem get even better. Not that the current words aren't good - because they are - but because there could be that extra vibe from your poem. I think that if you wanted, you could extend on this with some kind of contrast to the beauty you've painted, something dark - not like some of the poems are, I mean, keep it clever-dark rather than a collection of solemn feelings.
I hope this helped, and keep writing!
Ben
I love how whimsical this piece is. The pastel dream line is just perfect, and the image of cities lying down across a cloud is just very beautiful. The mention of all the activities just adds to the dreamlike atmosphere. I feel like I'm reading a picture book with wonderfully vivid illustrations, and this poem can really transport me back to a time when I was younger and really did believe that fairies existed.
This one is just a little bit off to me. I originally read 'tears' as a noun, which didn't make a lot of sense until I remembered that it could also be used as a verb. Maybe you watch the word choice there, but otherwise, it was brilliant. From such a short piece, I could easily imagine the land of the fairies from what you've given. All in all, I love the sense of nostalgia and 'childhoodness' that this poem gives. Great work!