Twilight, the air thick with smog.
A police car passing by,
sirens blaring, passers-by staring.
Browned pages, fluorescent lights.
A vessel into another world, made of ink.
This is my home, and I live alone.
My father calls to tell me he is safe,
to tell me that he loves me,
but there is so much he doesn’t know.
And the boy wonder, he was mine,
but I haven’t seen him in a while.
Sometimes I dream of a clear night sky
like in Kansas long ago,
but the vessel made of ink, it needs me so.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
HEELLO Elinor,
First Impressions: real creative! not many poems on batgirl out there.
Length: just right! I've read so many long poems with no meaning, this is what I'm looking for!
Content: again, very creative! lots of people write about love and depression but batgirl is another story. Let's do this line by line,
Twilight, the air thick with smog (I envy your use of vocabulary)
A police car passing by (gotta have these in gotham)
sirens blaring, passers-by staring (rhyme?)
browned pages, fluorescent lights (I'm assuming this is the gotham 'library')
a vessel into another world, made of ink (confused...)
this is my home, and I live alone (rhyme?)
my father calls to tell me he is safe (so you're not alone)
to tell me that he loves me, (aww)
but there is so much he doesn't know (does this rhyme with alone?)
and the boy wonder, he was mine (yeah confused...)
but I haven't seen him in a while (okay...)
sometimes I dream of a clear night sky (right, the clear night sky)
like in Kansas long ago (mhm)
but the vessel made of ink, it needs me so (rhyme?)
Structure: so yeah I'm confused with your rhyming pattern. there are parts that rhyme and parts that don't, which throws me off the rhythm.
To summarize, very creative poem, one you don't see very often around here! There are parts that were confusing but other than that, I didn't think you could bring batgirl to life through poetry. Nice job!
See you in Gotham,
NightKaizer
Hullo Elinor! Cat here to review this lovely poem in the spirit of review day! Okay then, here we go!
Twilight, the air thick with smog.
Good work!
First, let's go through your poem together (Anything in bold is my comments/suggestions/grammar help):
Spoiler
A police car passing by,
sirens blaring, passers-by staring.
Browned pages, fluorescent lights.
A vessel into another world, made of ink. (I'm not sure what you mean by 'vessel made of ink', I'm assuming it's a book/page or maybe a pen.)
This is my home, and I live alone.
My father calls to tell me he is safe,
to tell me that he loves me,
but there is so much he doesn’t know.
And the boy wonder, (Hmm, I'm a little lost on this line.) he was mine,
but I haven’t seen him in a while.
Sometimes I dream of a clear night sky
like in Kansas long ago,
but the vessel made of ink, it needs me so.
What I liked: I absolutely looooved the imagery, it was so powerful and drew me into the poem!
What to fix grammar/spelling wise: Nothing that I see!
Plot holes/confusing stuff: Not sure what 'the boy wonder' or 'the vessel made of ink' are, but it's not super confusing or anything.
Other random comments: I'm slightly jealous of your imagery skills, they are so smooth and helps make the flow of the poem on point! (Oh, I just realized this is a fanfic and I'm probably not in the fandom... but I still love this poem!)
Well anyways, absolutely love the poem! Good job and keep writing!
Boy Wonder = Robin. This poem is from the perspective of Batgirl, and she and Robin have always traditionally been romantically involved!
Ahhhh, gotcha!
Hello Elinor,
Proud to present the very first review to 'review day', in which I'm giving feedback on your piece entitled 'Sense of The Gotham Library'
I really love the subtlety of rhyming throughout this piece - it doesn't have to be after every line but words such as 'know' and 'so' have a memorable ring. The imagery created in this particular piece is amazing as well, I could really picture this urban feel that comes with the overall theme, 'fluorescent lights' and 'sirens blaring'.
Although i'm a bit confused about this particular line 'And the boy wonder' - not sure if this is is phrase given to a particular character or the fact that someone is curious about something? You'll have to get back to me on that one.
Overall, I nice start to this monthly event, a well polished piece of poetry!
PenmanshipPriority
robin (batman's sidekick) is referred to as boy wonder a lot. i could be wrong, but i believe that is who they are referencing to.
you are correct, Mason!