Oh dear, it's you -- you're looking marvelous today
your hair is knotted because you forgot to comb it,
and your clothes aren't clean -- you wore them out on Saturday night.
But does it matter? You still look very handsome --
there's that twinkle in your eyes like pale blue lilies
and today, you risked detention when the teacher's back was turned.
When you told me you liked my writing, your smile shone brighter then the sun.
I remember those days in class, 7:30 in the morning.
You would joke around and I would laugh until my sides hurt --
it would wake me up and I wouldn't need any coffee.
I see you sometimes at mid-day when we eat our lunches.
You're with your friends and I'm with mine,
and I can't help but see you and I as the only people in the room.
We've barely spoken -- I'm too shy and I lack talent. I remember when you told me off
for breaking game rules in gym class.
I was at the store today.
I saw pale pink roses and almond chocolate --
there I thought of you.
The day of love approaches and you'll be on my mind.
I can't begin to say how much I love you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hey, there Eli!
You're my 450th review!
Sorry-- studying for a Czech test tomorrow, but I've been meaning to get to this for a while, so it might be a little short.
So... onto the review.
I felt like this had a lot of potential, but a great deal of it was telling rather than showing. WHY do you love him? We just get a lot of stuff about you loving him, without any actual definition or anything. This is my main problem with this; you really need to develop both of the characters.
Now, onto more nitpicky stuff. Hope you don't mind too terribly.
So, the very beginning feels a bit awkward to me, the first line especially. The rhythm in this entire section feels a bit weird to me, and I definitely think it could be played with a bit. Also, the very last clause: it would come off much stronger if you made it an infinitive type of statement. Can't think of the right wording right now, but something like, "You look handsome as ever" to define a relationship over a period of time, rather than that brief moment. It would make the connection between them much more tangible.
The transition from this stanza to the next is a bit awkward; you go from present tense to a memory without much explanation as to WHY you're bringing up this memory or anything. I would try to make this a bit smoother. Maybe make the first part in past tense, or give a reason as to why you're lapsing into a memory.
So, I would elaborate on the initial idea in this stanza a bit more-- I think that it really lends a human tone to the whole situation that just about everyone can relate with. The last two lines feel a bit random to me. I like the mention to shyness, but perhaps create a feeling of insecurity in some other way? The "I lack talent" feels really awkward. The next part especially feels random, and a bit awkward. It cast a different feel on the character you're creating. You haven't provided us with much for his personality except for this, and it doesn't really give a good feel.
The end feels very abrupt to me. You haven't really shown us your love for him, but rather kind of told us about it instead. I think that this would be a much stronger piece if you were to show it instead, with more specific things, interactions.... this kind of seems like admiring from afar for the most part. If it's supposed to be, then make that admiration more tangible. It seems like it's kind of there, and you kind of talk about it, but it's almost on a shallow level.
Having said this, great job. I love the descriptions you gave and the imagery you used (though you might try incorporating some more). The wording you use is nice and simple and creates a really nice tone throughout the piece that definitely carries a great deal of potential. Overall, nice job.
Let me know if you have any questions or anything!
-Coral-
This has been edited! In light of Valentine's Day it would be nice if I could get some fresh feedback.
Thanks to everyone who commented on this, all of you really helped a lot.
Hi Elinor,
I thought this was great, very real. I'm thinking this is a true story, so I don't really think you need to change anything. This is exactly what you wanted to say about your feelings for a person, so I don't think it needs any modification.
However, I agree with most everyone else who has reviewed this poem that overusing words like 'marvelous' can be a bad thing.
Great work!
-Alex
Hi Elinor Brynn! I thought that your poem was fabulous, but it needed a few tweaks
For this bit, I agree with the previous comments about having marvelous again; much as it is a fantastic word, it starts to become weaker than it would if used less often.
Also, I loved the line about writing, but side with lilymoore about a golden smile
I thought this was really good, but just a small nit-pick: you don't need to use a '-' between mid and day
Also, I agree with emmaline49 about having people instead of things!
Reprimanded is quite a strong word, maybe try a less harsh word? But I like the idea of him gently telling the narrator off!
I really loved the tie-in of Valentines Day into your poem; this really is a great piece of work. Keep writing!
~strawberrypop13
Oh dear, it's you -- you're looking marvelous today
your hair is knotted because you forgot to comb it,
and your clothes aren't clean -- you wore them out on Saturday night.
But does it matter? You still look marvelous -- Maybe you could change the adjective here?
there's that twinkle in your eyes like pale blue lilies
and today, you risked detention when the teacher's back was turned.
When you told me you liked my writing, your smile was ever golden. I don't know if 'ever golden' works here, considering the beautiful simplicity of the other lines.
I see you sometimes at mid-day when we eat our lunches.
You're with your friends and I'm with mine,
and I can't help but see you and I as the only things in the room. Maybe people instead of things would work better here.
We've barely spoken -- I'm too shy and I lack talent, and I remember when you reprimanded
me for breaking game rules in gym class.
You'll never love me, but I will always love you.
I was at the store today -- I saw pale pink roses and almond chocolate
there I thought of you. The day of love approaches and you'll be on my mind.
Dear, you're looking marvelous today. Great ending line! You did a "marvelous" job!
I know exactly how you feel in this poem. I also have one whom likes my stories, but never shall like me. I absoluetly ave to agree with what lilymoore is saying. I believe the word you should be using instead of marv...marvel...Marvelous.... ahem.... should be amazing because it's one of those words that gives readers that "I know a guy/girl like that" ma...marvolus is more a word you use for discribing a feeling or a day. "how are you?" "oh i'm simply Marvelous" "ahem quite."
I can see you wrote this with true feelings. so you may have trouble with writing it the way you really feel because words may not be able to express what you really mean. In this case, you may need to use a thesaurus. Think back, what else makes him so interesting to you? If he has great hair, great smile (without the grilz), and a great sense of humer. Did he ever do some thing nice for others? did he stand up for some one? I know you've got more to say about him. why not use that and weave it into this already greatly structured poem.
Well I see someone is thinking of Valentine’s Day! *points at poem and avi* (Oh dear, I’ll be alone for it again…not suprising.) Great, now you made me sad…
“Marvelous” is a marvelous word but I think it makes more of an impact if you don’t use it as often. You used it in the first line and in the second line but here in your fourth line, I think it feels too repetitive. You’re starting and ending with “You’re looking marvelous today” so throwing in such a marvelous word like “marvelous” in such a non-marvelous place like the fourth line feels odd.
I’m just wondering if it’s a good or bad thing that this guy has golden teeth…should he be brushing more. I have an extra tooth brush if he’d like it.
This just feels like the lines were divided at the wrong place. “Reprimanded” feels like the wrong word to end the line with and I should reprimand you for doing that. *whacks*
This feels very odd, the bold part especially because I’m thinking that a - -is needed between “there” and “I.” At least I think that’s right? Or maybe I’m reading it wrong. But it feels like a run on without the dashes.
Otherwise, I do really like this. It has that clean, honest feel of someone who genuinely admires someone else. The flow is very simple and you have a nice rhythm too. I really, more that anything, liked the word choice in the poem. It's not bogged down with heavy adjectives and it doesn’t gush love all over the place either aside from that line where you used the line love twice. But I think I dislike that line a little because I’m gonna be all alone on V-Day.
Elinor, will you be my Valentine?
~lilymoore