Young Writers Society

This is Nikayla here for a review!

I haven't reviewed your poetry before, so I thought I may as well take the chance now. Let's delve right into this. The first thing that I noticed about the poem is that there aren't really any stanzas, which isn't a huge thing, but I think it would work better if there was more of a structure. Maybe you just forgot what the Publishing Center does to poems, or maybe you just didn't happen to add them. Let's delve further into the content of this, the first couple of lines are ones that confused me a bit.

Strange are youth and beauty

when you think of she and him.

He was a few years from the stars

when she came ‘cross the ocean.

What I mean by this is specifically the first line, which doesn't really make all that much sense at the moment due to the wording. I suggest reworking the first couple of lines, or the first set of them. The second two aren't as bad here, and from how I'm interpreting it, the 'he' in the poem happens to be a couple of years from death, but it could be less metaphorical than I'm thinking.

It was summer and

the sun shined in his golden hair

He wore a red leather

and drove into our hearts;

but winter came faster that year

He was not ten years gone when she

leapt onto the screen.

Going to mention this like the other two reviewers of the poem did, 'red leather' doesn't seem right and I think you forgot to add in the noun that you were describing here. I've never really heard the term 'red leather' before but I'm going to assume that it's a jacket. In the second line, I would have liked to see more to describe his hair rather than it just being 'golden' which is a little stereotypical as it is. The wording that you use in these lines are a little odd and I think the lines happen to drag on for too long with the semicolon. I think you meant to put a period after the third to last line, judging from the capital 'He' that comes after it.

I also suggest focusing on strengthening the imagery that you use here in general to give a more powerful effect. I was a little confused with the line 'leapt from the screen', but my interpretation of it is that this is some sort of movie or show that they're on, but I could be wrong and that was something that I didn't find too clear in the poem and I would like to see more clarity.

Feigning her elated shake

she holds a siren’s glow;

it’s hard not to stare.

I liked these three lines and they were probably some of the stronger ones of the poem, but I do suggest considering instead of having a semicolon after the second line, just a period. It would give more emotional weight to the third line, though I do understand if you keep it as is because the two lines are connected.

Jarring is the bass as

she sings of what she does,

what she is; immortal. But she will be let go

when her swivel and her sway

can’t hide her loss of youth.

At the end of the poem, we see that the girl in the poem isn't as immortal as she thought she had been. I realize that the wording that you use is more odd than I originally thought, which isn't a bad thing, but I did notice that. The use of punctuation here feels a little weak and I suggest playing around with it more.

The poem makes me think about how some people become legends and live on after they're dead or after they grow old and I see the ending as the 'she' in the poem reaizing that she isn't as significant in the industry she's in as she used to be. The narrative in the poem is strong but at points I would have liked more clarity because at points it is hazy. I don't mind poems that happen to be vague for the most point, but you're telling a story here and you lose the reader on what's going on in parts of the poem.

I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Heya, Elinor! I love your username! Anyway, I'll be breaking this into sections and reviewing it that way, so I hope you don't mind. To the review!

Strange are youth and beauty

when you think of she and him.

He was a few years from the stars

when she came ‘cross the ocean.

I think the last two lines here are much stronger and have better images than the first two lines. Actually, I think the last two lines would make a better starting point that the first two- but that's just my opinion. Anyway, onward.

It was summer and

the sun shined in his golden hair

He wore a red leather

and drove into our hearts;

but winter came faster that year

He was not ten years gone when she

leapt onto the screen.

Like the reviewer below me, I think you forgot to either put something after,"red leather." or you accidentally put,"a," before it. Either would explain it, and just thought I would point it out.
The next question I have is- what do you mean,"leapt onto the screen?" I'm having trouble picturing this as a movie or something like that, and I would love it if you would expand on that.
Also- I think you meant,"leaped."
Also, since you're not comparing that winter to any other winter, I would suggest changing,"faster," to,"fast." since it's singular. Anyway, onward.

Feigning her elated shake

she holds a siren’s glow;

it’s hard not to stare.

I rather like the imagery,"siren's glow." From what I remember of Greek Mythology, A siren would lure fishermen to their deaths by their song and apparent beauty. I think that was a good metaphor, as to be as enchanting as that would be a feat to accomplish indeed. Anyway, onward.

Jarring is the bass as

she sings of what she does,

what she is; immortal. But she will be let go

when her swivel and her sway

can’t hide her loss of youth.

I think you might want to change the last line to,"Can't hide the loss of her youth." But that's just me and phrasing lol. Anyway, onward.

For the most part I have to say this leaves me with a lot of questions. What do you mean by,"He was not ten years gone when she...." I'm assuming he left? And by the title I assumed this would be between a man and a woman, but it seems to just be about the woman.
Again, what happens to the guy? What do you mean by screen, and what does the poem itself mean? I would love an answer to all three questions.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

Hi there Elinor! Welcome back! Niteowl here to review this poem. I'll start out with my overall impressions/interpretations, then get into some nitpicky stuff.

This strikes me as a unique narrative poem. It tells the story of a young wanna-be starlet who hooks up with an older man to get a leg up in show business. After he dies, she makes it for a while and thinks she's immortal, but the end hints that she will be replaceable when she ages out of being attractive. Overall, a compelling story.

He was a few years from the stars

when she came ‘cross the ocean.

I think this reads better as "across" when I read it out loud. Otherwise, I really like the metaphor in the first line.

He wore a red leather

and drove into our hearts;

but winter came faster that year

I think you're missing a word after "leather"...I'm guessing jacket? Also, I would replace the semicolon with a comma since you have the conjunction "but" after it. Personally, I'm not a fan of semicolons in poems. I find that it's a rather confusing punctuation mark, so when I see it my brain goes "wait is that correct?" instead of actually paying attention to the words. Also, I would have a period after "year" and possibly even a stanza break here.

Jarring is the bass as

she sings of what she does,

what she is; immortal.

I would move "as" to the next line. Also, you could have another stanza break here and have your fantastic final lines stand out even more.

Overall, this was a really cool poem. Welcome back and keep writing!