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Modern Girl

by Elinor


I woke up this morning

and curled my hair
and put some lipstick on my face.
I was out of foundation
(forgot to get more the last time I was at the drugstore)
so I went without
The dark circles under my eyes exposed for the world to see.

I put on my dress
Blue and floral
and my new heeled sandals from the store.

I supposed I looked pretty enough
for random men to call me baby
but not enough for anyone to look
a second time.


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110 Reviews


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Tue Sep 15, 2020 2:43 am
RavenLord wrote a review...



Hey, Elinor! RavenLord here with a review for ya.

This was some interesting commentary on societal expectations for women. I liked how you tied it all together with that age-old issue in the final stanza, and your use of line breaks was excellent. I have a couple critiques for you, however, so I'll get into that now.

Number One: The two "and"s in the second and third lines are a bit redundant. This is a teensy-weensy nitpick that you don't have to take too seriously, but I thought I'd give it a mention just in case.

Number Two: While I love the minimalist take here, I feel like the poem could do with a little more insight into the speaker's world. Perhaps some imagery of what she sees when she wakes up, describing her "modern girl" room and more habits?

I'm running on low energy here, so I'm afraid I don't have anything else for you today. Nevertheless, great job! There was something touching about the whole thing that I can't quite place. Very good work :D Happy RevMo and happy writing!

Wishing you the very best,
RavenLord

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13 Reviews


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Wed Jul 15, 2020 4:27 pm
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thegoldenbird wrote a review...



Hey there! This is thegoldenbird and I wanted to leave a review.
To begin with, this is a nice poem. Short, but tries to convey the daily life and insecurities of a modern girl aptly. However, there were a few shortcomings that I felt were in this poem which I wanted to point out. These are just suggestions; it is up to you to decide whether or not you want to incorporate these in your work:
1. This poem took me a moment to understand what it was trying to convey. As in, it was over before I could get enough emotion built within. To improve on that, I suggest you either make the poem a bit longer, or use stronger imagery. This leads me to my next point:
2. Imagery: it's a tool used often not in the literal sense but in the metaphorical. As it is often said amongst writers, you should "show, not tell". For instance, the lines:
"I put on my dress
blue and floral"
could be rephrased as:
"I put on my dress--
a scatter of blue hydrangeas"
So you make the reader imagine the dress. Good imagery has been used in the last stanza; you could work on it in the rest of the poem.
3. This poem actually feels more like a prose that has been broken up into different lines than poetry. You could use stronger words to remove this shortcoming, such as replacing the line "put some lipstick on my face" to "added some pink to make my lips stand out". This once again works on imagery.
4. Just some tiny corrections in punctuation at the end of the lines. For instance, a dash after "so I went without".
That's it. Once again, the above are just suggestions and it is completely up to you whether or not to make these changes. It is a good concept, but could become much better conveyed if you work on it a bit.
Cheers!




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Wed Jul 15, 2020 4:22 pm
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Beautifulsparkle wrote a review...



Hello. I am here to review. I believe this poem is very on point with some modern girls in the fact that we want to be dressed beautifully and shine and be attractive. Well that has always been how the majority of girls want to be seen actually but I believe some overdue it because of society and the pressure it puts on women to be beautiful. Some undergo risky surgery in order to get what they want and I don't want to judge them, but in my case, I'll pass. Society puts so much pressure on women and girls that some believe in order to attain a certain ideal weight they have to starve themselves or exhaust themselves at least, and it's very sad because there are more important things than looks like a person's heart. Personality is also important but I also know everyone has their own tastes.

It is a very realistic poem with a touch of sadness at the end, I believe, because that girl has tried so hard to be beautiful but no one will look twice...




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Wed Jul 15, 2020 4:16 pm
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Vil wrote a review...



"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
-Margaret Wolfe Hungerford

This is a lovely poem, and I really enjoyed reading it.

"I supposed I looked pretty enough
for random men to call me baby
but not enough for anyone to look
a second time."

I thought this stanza was especially touching. It's a good work, and if it's alright, I'd like to send the link to a few friends.

Have a nice time of day!





Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor