The Golden Girl

Hey Eli!

This is a perfect example why adjectives and adverbs should be avoided like the devil in poetry! Adjectives serve the same purpose as salt. Put it on a fried egg and the fried egg tastes yummy. Put too much and you're asking for trouble. Eat salt raw? Yuck!

The beautiful girl
with the white-blonde hair,
the one in the black bikini:
she works for a corrupt man.

That didn't stop the handsome man from coming near
He changed her ways
and took her to his hotel
where they kissed and enjoyed every moment.

But her employer tracked her down
and confronted her for betrayal.
the handsome man was conveniently knocked out
unable to lift a finger.

He killed her with his favorite material
something he'd been obsessed with,
to leave his mark.

Her body covered in glittering gold,
he left her to rot on the bed-side.

See? Take away the adjectives and it's a very yucky poem. As it is, it's already over-salted.

So! Stop using adjectives! It's really making your poetry weaker and it's not helping a thing! Make this sensual. Like James Bond. Would James Bond ever just have a description of, "And they kissed and enjoyed every moment"? NO! They would show the foreplay leading up to the scene and the fade out, giving us just enough information to imagine it for ourselves. And the Bond Villain! Would they ever just say, "And Goldfinger was corrupt so he killed her for her betrayal"? NO! They would show us his reaction to the betrayal, show him plotting of what to do, and so on.

So basically? Show, don't tell.

And when you're using that many adjectives... trust me, you're telling too much.

I really like this poem. It's dark glommy tragic deppsing to an extent and somewhat heavy.
The story Is one ive heard a lot, the tragic story of a misguied beatiful girl working, and eventully killed by I courrupt man. It's quite a quite common and is almost vering toward clishe.
However the way you tell the story, the way you structure it makes it seem fresh and original.
The flow of the poem is good, but a little jerky in parts. The last to lines are that best, compleatley summing up the message of this poem. The poem is very good at showing the downward spiral of this once beautiful girl in only a few lines, i marvel at it's simplicity. you should be very proud.

verawinters

Well I love the title, but the thing is, that right now it seems like more of just a basic synopsis of Goldfinger. I want more showing, not telling, right now it's just kind of "she's pretty, he's pretty, here's what happens." Not really all that poetic. Try taking what you have so far and using it as sort of an outline, use it for what you want to say in the poem, then take it line by line and put some poetry in it! Love the idea, love the fact it's about Bond, but it needs work.

Pm me if you change it up, and I'll be happy to review it again!

~Hope

Elinor Brynn wrote:The beautiful girlImmediate tell over show.
with the white-blonde hair,
the one in the black bikini:Oh, so now it's a different girl?
she works for a corrupt man.

That didn't stop the handsome man from coming nearThe use of man is slightly redundant since you don't redefine it in anyway so it's pretty boring, you may want to change that.
He changed her ways How? What were her ways before? Was this line even needed?
and took her to his hotel
where they kissed and enjoyed every moment.This is some stale description. I have no damned idea what "enjoyed every moment" means. >.>

But her employer tracked her downAgain telling, and it's highly anti conflict. Not very fun.
and confronted her for betrayal. Still boring, you're telling a pretty bland story
the handsome man was conveniently knocked outWow, that's anti climatic.
unable to lift a finger. of course he cannot lift a finger, you just said he's knocked out.

He killed her with his favorite material
something he'd been obsessed with, these were alright, i didn't mind them too much but they weren't too bad, I enjoyed the slight mystery, it gave some thoughts =p
to leave his mark.

Her body covered in glittering gold,
he left her to rot on the bed-side.

James Bond, only...only...better, dare I say? It sounds awful, but it's true, I'll sacrifice the main character's fortunes for less stereotypical plotline.

something he'd been obsessed with

Really nice poetry, I like how you made it disturbing and with a dark, gloomy feeling into the poem.. It's really nice, quite thrilling actually. Keep up the good work!

~ Vita