have you heard of the mile to heaven,
the gilded pathway through clouds and stars;
the journey that all of us take in the end.
the mile to heaven that's filled with birds and butterflies
that sing sweet melodies
and offer you your favorite delicacies.
there are reminders,
reminders of your life long since past.
so there's no doubt you'll cry on the mile to heaven,
wishing you could go back.
there are temptations and tricks
all designed to set you back, tumbling down the mountain to hell.
but you'll progress, provided you were good in your days.
you'll make it there, that magical place of wonder and dreams,
live like royalty 'til the end of time,
never forgetting your journey
on the mile to heaven.
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140,805 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
So, have I mentioned there is no possible way you could be fourteen?
because your writing gives off this really mature vibe (In a good way, trust me)
This poem was lovely, sort of like hot chocolate and marshmallows. (Sorry. Im hungry)
Your stanza helped establish a nice, strong flow.
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder
Hello there, Elinor!
Here to you-know-it.
First of all, I'm going to thank you for the request and apologize in advance if ever you might see this review vague or a waste of time. *laughs*
The errors I've seen so far is the same thing Lena has noticed, though there are just some things that I might nitpick.
So it's the capitalization, methinks. And I would just like to mention how I like the way you start your poem. There are some awesome imageries and descriptions.
I'm going to be a bit picky on this particular line. Unless you're addressing this to children, I can take and consider that. However, wouldn't be too weird if you're addressing this to anyone (young and old) and talk about treat and candies when they go up to heaven? Being rational here, (in my own opinion) I suggest that you change that into something "more" mature things.
This is just a small thing but what really are those reminders specifically? I'm just curious; is that a good thing or the other way around?
Oh, I like this. There are no awkward phrases and they are understandable. :3
Maybe this is just me because I didn't like how you repeated the word "heaven" twice. Maybe, replace the first 'heaven' to "there" might make the flow better?
Kicking aside those nitpicks and negative comments, I thank you for the good read. I find this interesting even though there was the absence of some poetic devices such as syllabic patterns. It is nice how you've coated the poem with simplicity and neatness. The grammar itself is pretty clean, so yay for that! Anyways, these are all just based on my opinions. Hope I helped and PM me for questions. (And sorry about being too nitpicky) >.<
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
Nice, simple poem. My only slight problem was the lack of capital letters at the start of the sentence, and I think heaven and hell should also have started in capitals for emphasis. But it was well written.
I like it
a very simplistic poem, cute. Perhaps though to contrast the lightness of heaven go deeper into the threat of tumbling to hell below.
love the last line.