Knight Dragon here to review for the Knights of the Green Room.
All right, this is the first line that jarred the flow. "Don’t cry; I don't know if I could bear it." I was flowing smoothly, but the abruptness of this line just grounded me so fast I felt planted. I don't know why, but it felt like it was flowing smoothly, and then someone reached up and grabbed my ankles and pulled me out of the clouds. So maybe consider the reading flow here.
This was the other line that really stuck out to me. "Please don't ever leave; I have been too much alone." The "ever leave" felt like it should have been "leave ever", but that may just be me.
Hope this helps!
In loyal service to writers, Knight Dragon.
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