I Wonder

This is a great poem. The sentiments of the speaker are expressed without sounding over-sentimental. This whole work actually feels more like prose than poetry because of the structuring, but I suppose poems are flexible. I especially liked the lines, "A man I thought was wise once said that pain would lead to pleasure, but maybe he was just as lost as me." Somehow, they give off a sense of hopelessness...Many readers will probably be able to relate to the speaker's feelings of wanting love and no pain. Please keep writing, and sorry I'm not a very good reviewer...

Hey Elinor! It's OreosAreLife here for a quick review. I'm just starting to review again so bare with me!

Okay so, what a lovely poem! You're title really drew me in. "I Wonder" made me wonder what you were wondering about and I just had to read it! As I read it I felt such emotion through your words. You did a very lovely job of portraying emotion through this poem. The flow of words was almost melodic I never wanted it to end. You did a great job of going from line to line with your words and keeping your thoughts going. I felt so "in the moment" that I was shocked back into reality when your poem ended.

There was however only one thing that I would fix. The line:

"A man I thought was wise once said that pain would lead to pleasure"

I feel like you could put "pain would lead to pleasure" because your quoting what someone said. I had to re-read that line a couple times to get what you were saying.

Other than that your poem was extraordinary and I loved it! Keep up the great work and keep on writing!

Byyyye,
OreosAreLife

Hi Elinor! I enjoyed reading this poem very much; I particularly liked the strong emotion you conveyed through it. However, there are certain aspects about it that could be improved to make it even better.

First, I noticed some minor discrepancies in the rhythm of this poem when I read it aloud. Don’t worry too much about it though; it’s just a minor issue which can be completely solved if you just add commas/semicolons at the ends of the first, second, fifth, seventh, and tenth lines. I’m quite certain of that!

Second, I agree with AmadeusW;perhaps you could make the last line slightly more detailed.

Anyways, these are just my personal suggestions. It’s totally fine if you don’t agree with all of them, I respect the fact that people have their own opinions. You did a really great job, keep it up! I hope to see more of your work in the future!

Cheers,
secretrose29

I’ve just submitted my review of this poem; you did a fantastic job!

Hey! I really enjoy the tone in this poem; it sounds like the narrator is pondering and the tone emphasizes the overarching theme of feeling lost and hopeless in love. Also, the title and repetition of the phrase "I wonder" is working really well here. I like this poem, but I think it could use some work that could make me LOVE this poem!

OreosAreLife is correct; commas would help increase the flow and coherency of your poem, and although poetry can break some grammar rules, narrative poems or poems explaining feelings should somewhat follow the rules of punctuation so the reader can follow along with your thoughts.

Also, love is a tricky subject to deal with in any piece of writing because it is so often done that its easy to fall into overused cliches. While cliches are overused for a reason (they're very sensible and universal) they come with the evil of making your poem an Average Joe among many others. To avoid this, I would try to be more creative with your writing. Odd metaphors are a great way to break out of losing cliches!!

Some parts that I thought were particularly cliche were, "the kind of love that's only ever dreamed about," and, "pain would lead to pleasure."

Some other things I enjoyed about your poem: thank you for not capitalizing the beginning of every line!! It's one of my pet peeves with poets. Also, I think the last three lines are very strong. They're very emotionally vivid and help close off the poem with that sort of "what if?" statement at the end.

Overall, love it! And you don't have to take my criticism; remember that your work is only your own, and that only you have authority over its content and style. Keep it up.

This is the smoothest, flowiest poem I've read in a very long time. It just rollllls off the tongue with ease (in my head at least). And the way you are questioning what it would be like to have a perfect relationship/romance (that's what I understand from this), it is very real and heartfelt, and since I have also read a few of your other works I know this is very much your style. I think your punctuation is fine, really... and the places where you don't have commas make it flow smoothier (I made up a word!).
Now, the only thing that I think could be made more clear is the very last line. For two reasons. One - the flowy smooth pace is just so ever subtlely interrupted by the order of your words. Two - you wonder if you could... do what exactly? That was a little vague. Even just a bit of a bigger hint would help the meaning and really conclude the poem.
Really nice job! This is a great piece!

I think this is a good however I would suggest that if you are going to use periods use commas as well, it would make the flow of your work so much better. Without them the reader doesn't get the full exaggeration of what you are trying to say. It chops up the flow a bit without the commmas throughout your work.