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Violence

A slow and most pain full fight

by EagleFly


I feel

My feet

Start to slip

As a violent punch hits into me

My face is coated with blood

A knife hit in to my leg

More blood ran out

As the pain struck through me

I feel a crack as I feel a lim braking,

My head gets shoved down to the floor

I kick my right leg that is a bill to move

I hit the other person as hard as I could

The person went flying into a wall

A sharp pinch and a click,

went through the person’s right arm

as it broke,

as he looked at me

I could see

His eye had been taken out

Fresh blood pored,

All over his face

His lips cracked and torn,

He then came skidding to word me,

I then rolled left

But he swerved to word me,

I then throe my knife

The knife cut into his carafe muscle of his left,

He then crashed into me,

And I crashed into square cord board,

With pins splinted into it

The pins feel out as I hit it some I felt sharp,

Deadly pains going through me,

As the pins stuck into my skin

Then an even more deadly pain shot through me,

As the other person took the knife that I had thrown,

Out of his carafe and into mine,

I took the Knife out,

I then pushed my hand up against his throat

With the knife to his head

I then started to cut his head open,

As blood runs out in a heap,

On to the carpeted floor,

Then sharp most pain full

Of a gun Shot goes through me,

I slip the knife strait through the other person,

We both fall to the ground,

As we are no longer alive,

To the sake of how this is being retain,

So that you all can see it,

Is all to my faith full Father,

Hew hate to witness this all.


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Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:02 am
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Shikora wrote a review...



Hi Shikroa here with a review.

To be honest I have know idea what the meaning of this poem is. But it was interesting to read, but i did see a few things that needed to be fixed up, but I'll get to that in a second.
I thing the name you chose for this poem is quit a good pick, because I'm not really sure what you would name this, so I guess I'll stick with the name you have already. But I did notes something with the name.

A slow and most pain full fight

The letters in bold is one word and you spell it like this, painful.

The next spelling mistake is a silly one that can be fixed.
Hew hate to witness this all.

You spell the word in bold like this, how.

The next thing I saw that that in the beginning of your poem you don't have any commas or full stops. It made the flow a bit out and a hard to enjoy. As much as you can enjoy a gory poem. To see that you have put your commas and full stops in the right place read your poem aloud, and were you stop to take breath is were you have to put a comma or a full stop.

The next thing is really easy to fix.
went through the person’s right arm

as it broke,

as he looked at me

These sentences don't have any capitols. It seemed a bit strange that all over your sentences had a capitol but these three didn't.

Well over then those few things, I really liked reading this poem, and I hope to see more work coming from you. Your writing has gotten a lot better since the first time you came on to the sight. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




EagleFly says...


Thanks for the review.



Shikora says...


Your welcome!



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Wed Jan 09, 2019 2:46 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Wow, that was quite a story through poetry Eagle!
I'd recommend maybe bumping up the rating to 12+ because of all of the vivid imagery of this violent fight.

I think the imagery was good in that you had a lot of variety - people getting stabbed, pushed, actions happening quick - it made sense and built up this intensity. And then we get these last 6 lines - the fight is over and this is the conclusion:

We both fall to the ground,
As we are no longer alive,
To the sake of how this is being retain,
So that you all can see it,
Is all to my faith full Father,
Hew hate to witness this all.


I get that the first two lines mean that the speaker and their attacker have died -> but the rest of the conclusion I didn't quite follow. Does "father" mean "god" because it is capitalized? or does it refer to there real father? and was their father the one who attacked them, or someone watching? If the attacker was their father that is a pretty significant suprise at the end! I think you could clarify the last 3 lines a bit more, to give the reader a clear idea of what you're communicating, since the end is really important.

Another suggestion, is that I think the introductory lines are a bit deceptive -> because I don't think a fight would normally start with someone noticing their feet are slipping -> generally the first thing you notice is pain, or anger, or adrenaline I think; it just seems odd to draw the reader into the feet first because it's a strange set up for a fight. I do like that you put the reader immediately into the action though.

You did good with imagery, conflict, and character, another element you might think of adding is metaphor or simile. -> A bit of figurative language could bring this poem up to the next level.

I am really proud of the imagery in this piece though - it is specific, unique, and purposeful. It made this poem an exciting one to follow along with. Well done Eagle!

Please let me know if you have any questions about the review - I think mavisknightley covered the aspects of spelling pretty well, so I didn't think I should cover that.

~alliyah




EagleFly says...


Thanks for the review it helps me a lot. :D



alliyah says...


You're welcome!



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Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:36 pm
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mavisknightley wrote a review...



Hey There eaglefly,

Nice work on this; you have some nice imagery and powerful moments in this.

Here are my thoughts.......

******
I feel

My feet

Start to slip

As a violent punch hits into me

******I like 'sinks into me' or 'hits me' better here.

My face is coated with blood

A knife hit in to my leg
******"A knife hits my leg?"

More blood ran out

As the pain struck through me

I feel a crack as I feel a lim braking,
****** spelled "limb."

My head gets shoved down to the floor

I kick my right leg that is a bill to move

I hit the other person as hard as I could

The person went flying into a wall

A sharp pinch and a click,

went through the person’s right arm

as it broke,

as he looked at me

I could see

His eye had been taken out

Fresh blood pored,

All over his face

His lips cracked and torn,

He then came skidding to word me,
******"toward"

I then rolled left

But he swerved to word me,

I then throe my knife
******"threw"

The knife cut into his carafe muscle of his left,

He then crashed into me,

And I crashed into square cord board,

With pins splinted into it

The pins feel out as I hit it some I felt sharp,

Deadly pains going through me,

As the pins stuck into my skin

Then an even more deadly pain shot through me,

As the other person took the knife that I had thrown,

Out of his carafe and into mine,

I took the Knife out,
******Did you intentionally capitalize knife?

I then pushed my hand up against his throat

With the knife to his head

I then started to cut his head open,

As blood runs out in a heap,

On to the carpeted floor,

Then sharp most pain full

Of a gun Shot goes through me,
******Did you intentionally capitalize shot?

I slip the knife strait through the other person,

We both fall to the ground,

As we are no longer alive,

To the sake of how this is being retain,

So that you all can see it,

Is all to my faith full Father,
******faithful

Hew hate to witness this all.
******who

******

I confess myself slightly confused at some of your capitalization choices and spellings. You almost seem to do it intentionally, and if you are I completely missed it haha. For example, "Is all to my faith full Father" -- the word should be 'faithful'; however, it occurs to me that you could be trying to convey something by making it two words... Am I missing something?

Overall, nice job. Keep up the good work!

Write On,
mav


Mavis Knightley
http://www.mavisknightley.com




EagleFly says...


Thanks for the review it really helps me, also the spelling is by mistake. :D



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Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:38 pm
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FireSpyGirl says...



Beautiful! I didn't mean that in a weird way...I have nothing else to say, keep up the good work!




EagleFly says...


Thanks so much. :D




The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.