I feel
My feet
Start to slip
As a violent punch hits into me
My face is coated with blood
A knife hit in to my leg
More blood ran out
As the pain struck through me
I feel a crack as I feel a lim braking,
My head gets shoved down to the floor
I kick my right leg that is a bill to move
I hit the other person as hard as I could
The person went flying into a wall
A sharp pinch and a click,
went through the person’s right arm
as it broke,
as he looked at me
I could see
His eye had been taken out
Fresh blood pored,
All over his face
His lips cracked and torn,
He then came skidding to word me,
I then rolled left
But he swerved to word me,
I then throe my knife
The knife cut into his carafe muscle of his left,
He then crashed into me,
And I crashed into square cord board,
With pins splinted into it
The pins feel out as I hit it some I felt sharp,
Deadly pains going through me,
As the pins stuck into my skin
Then an even more deadly pain shot through me,
As the other person took the knife that I had thrown,
Out of his carafe and into mine,
I took the Knife out,
I then pushed my hand up against his throat
With the knife to his head
I then started to cut his head open,
As blood runs out in a heap,
On to the carpeted floor,
Then sharp most pain full
Of a gun Shot goes through me,
I slip the knife strait through the other person,
We both fall to the ground,
As we are no longer alive,
To the sake of how this is being retain,
So that you all can see it,
Is all to my faith full Father,
Hew hate to witness this all.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi EagleFly!
Liberty500 is here to drop off a review for you. (Ha, that rhymes)
I'll get straight to it!
1. "A knife hit in to my leg" -> The "in to" does not need to be separated. It's meant to be one word.
2. "I feel a crack as I feel a lim braking," -> For the word "lim" I'm pretty sure you meant "limb". And also for the word "braking" you probably meant "breaking".
3. "I kick my right leg that is a bill to move" -> You wrote "a bill" which I'm pretty sure means "able"
4. "as it broke, | as he looked at me" -> You probably want to change that first comma into a period, it'll sound more fluent, I guess. And if you do make it into a period then you'll have to make the second "as" capitalized.
5. "Fresh blood pored," -> The word "pored" is spelt wrong. "Poured" is the right spelling.
6. "He then came skidding to word me," -> "to word" is not a separated word.
7. "I then rolled left" -> "I then rolled to the left" would sound a bit better.
8. "But he swerved to word me," -> Again, "to word" is not a separated word.
9. "I then throe my knife" -> "throe" is supposed to be "throw".
10. "The knife cut into his carafe muscle of his left," -> I searched up what "carafe" was, and it didn't say it was a muscle of any sort.
11. "And I crashed into square cord board," -> Shouldn't you add "a" in between "into" and "square".
12. "The pins feel out as I hit it some I felt sharp," -> I'm pretty sure you meant "feel" to be "fell".
13. "I took the Knife out," -> Is "Knife" supposed to be capitalized?
14. "Then sharp most pain full" -> This sentence doesn't make sense.
15. "Of a gun Shot goes through me," -> Is "Shot" supposed to be capitalized?
16. "I slip the knife strait through the other person," -> It'd be better if you wrote this sentence like this: "I slipped the knife straight though the other person,"
17. "Is all to my faith full Father," -> The word "faith full" needs to be spelt correctly like so: "faithful".
18. "Hew hate to witness this all." -> What is "Hew"?
Anyways... Your poem was really great! You expressed the feelings very very well!
Hope to see more from you soon!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
Thanks for the review
No problem-o!
Hi EagleFly!
Liberty500 is here to drop off a review for you. (Ha, that rhymes)
I'll get straight to it!
1. "A knife hit in to my leg" -> The "in to" does not need to be separated. It's meant to be one word.
2. "I feel a crack as I feel a lim braking," -> For the word "lim" I'm pretty sure you meant "limb". And also for the word "braking" you probably meant "breaking".
3. "I kick my right leg that is a bill to move" -> You wrote "a bill" which I'm pretty sure means "able"
4. "as it broke, | as he looked at me" -> You probably want to change that first comma into a period, it'll sound more fluent, I guess. And if you do make it into a period then you'll have to make the second "as" capitalized.
5. "Fresh blood pored," -> The word "pored" is spelt wrong. "Poured" is the right spelling.
6. "He then came skidding to word me," -> "to word" is not a separated word.
7. "I then rolled left" -> "I then rolled to the left" would sound a bit better.
8. "But he swerved to word me," -> Again, "to word" is not a separated word.
9. "I then throe my knife" -> "throe" is supposed to be "throw".
10. "The knife cut into his carafe muscle of his left," -> I searched up what "carafe" was, and it didn't say it was a muscle of any sort.
11. "And I crashed into square cord board," -> Shouldn't you add "a" in between "into" and "square".
12. "The pins feel out as I hit it some I felt sharp," -> I'm pretty sure you meant "feel" to be "fell".
13. "I took the Knife out," -> Is "Knife" supposed to be capitalized?
14. "Then sharp most pain full" -> This sentence doesn't make sense.
15. "Of a gun Shot goes through me," -> Is "Shot" supposed to be capitalized?
16. "I slip the knife strait through the other person," -> It'd be better if you wrote this sentence like this: "I slipped the knife straight though the other person,"
17. "Is all to my faith full Father," -> The word "faith full" needs to be spelt correctly like so: "faithful".
18. "Hew hate to witness this all." -> What is "Hew"?
Anyways... Your poem was really great! You expressed the feelings very very well!
Hope to see more from you soon!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
Hi Shikroa here with a review.
To be honest I have know idea what the meaning of this poem is. But it was interesting to read, but i did see a few things that needed to be fixed up, but I'll get to that in a second.
I thing the name you chose for this poem is quit a good pick, because I'm not really sure what you would name this, so I guess I'll stick with the name you have already. But I did notes something with the name.
The letters in bold is one word and you spell it like this, painful.
The next spelling mistake is a silly one that can be fixed.
You spell the word in bold like this, how.
The next thing I saw that that in the beginning of your poem you don't have any commas or full stops. It made the flow a bit out and a hard to enjoy. As much as you can enjoy a gory poem. To see that you have put your commas and full stops in the right place read your poem aloud, and were you stop to take breath is were you have to put a comma or a full stop.
The next thing is really easy to fix.
These sentences don't have any capitols. It seemed a bit strange that all over your sentences had a capitol but these three didn't.
Well over then those few things, I really liked reading this poem, and I hope to see more work coming from you. Your writing has gotten a lot better since the first time you came on to the sight. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
Shikora.
Thanks for the review.
Your welcome!
Wow, that was quite a story through poetry Eagle!
I'd recommend maybe bumping up the rating to 12+ because of all of the vivid imagery of this violent fight.
I think the imagery was good in that you had a lot of variety - people getting stabbed, pushed, actions happening quick - it made sense and built up this intensity. And then we get these last 6 lines - the fight is over and this is the conclusion:
I get that the first two lines mean that the speaker and their attacker have died -> but the rest of the conclusion I didn't quite follow. Does "father" mean "god" because it is capitalized? or does it refer to there real father? and was their father the one who attacked them, or someone watching? If the attacker was their father that is a pretty significant suprise at the end! I think you could clarify the last 3 lines a bit more, to give the reader a clear idea of what you're communicating, since the end is really important.
Another suggestion, is that I think the introductory lines are a bit deceptive -> because I don't think a fight would normally start with someone noticing their feet are slipping -> generally the first thing you notice is pain, or anger, or adrenaline I think; it just seems odd to draw the reader into the feet first because it's a strange set up for a fight. I do like that you put the reader immediately into the action though.
You did good with imagery, conflict, and character, another element you might think of adding is metaphor or simile. -> A bit of figurative language could bring this poem up to the next level.
I am really proud of the imagery in this piece though - it is specific, unique, and purposeful. It made this poem an exciting one to follow along with. Well done Eagle!
Please let me know if you have any questions about the review - I think mavisknightley covered the aspects of spelling pretty well, so I didn't think I should cover that.
~alliyah
Thanks for the review it helps me a lot.
You're welcome!
Hey There eaglefly,
Nice work on this; you have some nice imagery and powerful moments in this.
Here are my thoughts.......
******
I feel
My feet
Start to slip
As a violent punch hits into me
******I like 'sinks into me' or 'hits me' better here.
My face is coated with blood
A knife hit in to my leg
******"A knife hits my leg?"
More blood ran out
As the pain struck through me
I feel a crack as I feel a lim braking,
****** spelled "limb."
My head gets shoved down to the floor
I kick my right leg that is a bill to move
I hit the other person as hard as I could
The person went flying into a wall
A sharp pinch and a click,
went through the person’s right arm
as it broke,
as he looked at me
I could see
His eye had been taken out
Fresh blood pored,
All over his face
His lips cracked and torn,
He then came skidding to word me,
******"toward"
I then rolled left
But he swerved to word me,
I then throe my knife
******"threw"
The knife cut into his carafe muscle of his left,
He then crashed into me,
And I crashed into square cord board,
With pins splinted into it
The pins feel out as I hit it some I felt sharp,
Deadly pains going through me,
As the pins stuck into my skin
Then an even more deadly pain shot through me,
As the other person took the knife that I had thrown,
Out of his carafe and into mine,
I took the Knife out,
******Did you intentionally capitalize knife?
I then pushed my hand up against his throat
With the knife to his head
I then started to cut his head open,
As blood runs out in a heap,
On to the carpeted floor,
Then sharp most pain full
Of a gun Shot goes through me,
******Did you intentionally capitalize shot?
I slip the knife strait through the other person,
We both fall to the ground,
As we are no longer alive,
To the sake of how this is being retain,
So that you all can see it,
Is all to my faith full Father,
******faithful
Hew hate to witness this all.
******who
******
I confess myself slightly confused at some of your capitalization choices and spellings. You almost seem to do it intentionally, and if you are I completely missed it haha. For example, "Is all to my faith full Father" -- the word should be 'faithful'; however, it occurs to me that you could be trying to convey something by making it two words... Am I missing something?
Overall, nice job. Keep up the good work!
Write On,
mav
Mavis Knightley
http://www.mavisknightley.com
Thanks for the review it really helps me, also the spelling is by mistake.
Beautiful! I didn't mean that in a weird way...I have nothing else to say, keep up the good work!
Thanks so much.