I have written few films recently,
I’m now committing a
suicide
I’m messing with the ‘R’
word,
Oh God, bless me!
Six major religions I
plan to focus on:
Alpha, beta, gamma,
delta, epsilon and sigma.
Beta guys hate the
delta ones,
Epsilon members loathe
Alpha.
Gamma is against Sigma.
I memorize this all
the time!
Even before I begin my
story
I'm supposed to divide my screen time
hexagonally
More important than
plot I'm told,
is equal bashing of
all.
They’ll ask me my faith,
I know; I have one.
I’m connected to God,
Devoid of any other chains.
My message could a
sledge-hammer,
My heart is still a
child.
I’m an apolitical
rationalist
Who’ll force you to
think!
I’ll spark off many
debates,
Few theaters might get
vandalized
I’ll still strive very
hard,
To make my point brazenly.
I swear to God O
gentleman,
I’m not here to thrash
your faith,
I’m just here to
question,
Your preconceived notions.
I know he’ll be by my
side,
I’m honest with my
intentions,
I’m a fearless
satirist
Who’ll create a revolution.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello there!
We have already discussed (a lot) on this matter, at least that's what I'd like to think. And I can’t agree more with what Strange has mentioned in his review. But unlike him, I exactly know where this comes from and I can very well relate to the vandalised theatres. Though, I couldn’t stop reflecting on the fact that how straight-forward this poem is. It’s like you are rebellious and almost very proud of it. Well, if that’s what you wanted to do, then I guess you have succeeded in creating that atmosphere for me. And unfortunately, that’s where my problem lies.
As a person who loves metaphors and to interpret deep dark meanings, this poem did not excite me. For all it did, it only felt like a slap on my face saying, “yea, eat that!” Moreover, you are only stating very obvious pointers of a satirist. Take this for example:
If you would have said that you have no religion then no one would take you seriously. Because hey, you are one of those people who hates everyone and everything. So of course you have a religion. This is what I call the business statics. You know what’s in the combo yet you disagree with the tax that comes with it. Just like every other person, there isn’t any speciality in it. Do you see what I’m trying to say? X.X
As a satirist, that comes in your curriculum vitae.
I guess this is where you lost control of it. You should have rather concentrated on “the attacks” or “the protest” that comes with the job rather than telling us what you do and the effect/impact it has on the society, unless you were trying to do exactly that. In which case, we know what your job is, especially with all that’s happening all around the world.
I know, what I’ve suggested is me asking you to completely strike this off and I’m sorry, I’m not trying to write down your idea. I’m merely suggesting what would work if you want audience. Tell us something we don’t know. Atleast, make it up. >.>
Feel free to shoot me a PM, if you need anything else.
Keep writing!
Cheers! c:
I get what you're trying to say. This looks more like "telling" than actually showing vandalism.
Now the interesting thing is that, I actually tried very hard to show the vandalism. This was not supposed to be a poem. I tried writing a script about the topic (where 2 writers are discussing pros/cons of writing religious satire. I had even planned a funny ending, where the duo conclude, "Who's gonna take that risk? Let's write another vampire love-story"
Somehow the script didnt work out because it had no strong plot. The discussion was getting boring so I turned it into a poem. Yes, I actually want to create a mood of rebellion, but I understand that this is heavy-handed (most of my works are)
I now feel the discussion (though very hard to execute) would have been more enjoyable. It had plenty of scope for mocking humor and biting satire. Thanks for the lovely review
Hey, yo, DivineFool! Strange here on this wonderful day and I have a review for you!
I like to consider myself a satirist. Actually, I would be more lenient on an "absurdist" then a satirist due to the material that I write, such as punching a nine year old in the face or killing birds with stones. I know that you are a satirist. A different one than me? I would say so, but I can relate to what you're saying. That's kind of why I liked this poem. It is easy to relate to the subject matter, really just any subject other than religion. Let's jump in to what I like, okay?
I would suggest removing the "a" from the second line, because "committing a suicide" does not sound right. Other than that, this was an interesting hook. You set it straight up, and basically said "Here's what I am going to talk about, here's what I am going to do". I personally felt a sense of fearlessness and a nice amount of sarcasm. That right there is a great combination.
When I first saw this line, I said to myself "Alright, this is just edgy to be edgy", but I could understand it. You're not trashing a single religion, which I had thought at first. You're talking about your fearlessness towards talking about religion. A sense of danger and courage is what I saw. It's smart.
I found a bit of contradicting story details. In a later line, you state how you're not here to "thrash religion", yet you say you're bashing them? I hope you are aware that both of those are basically the same thing. This is where I start losing interest. Now, you're trying to be near offensive and say "HAHA I'M NOT HERE TO OFFEND YOU LOL SATIRIST HERE" which is distasteful, to be completely honest.
Whaaaat? Don't you mean your message could be a sledge-hammer? I WANT TO BE, YOUR SLEDGE HAMMER (DUHN DUHN) WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME NAAAME? Sorry, I don't know what happened. Instinct.
Though I do like this stanza, I would say you're over exaggerating what satire can do. It's pretty unrealistic, in that matter. Theaters being vandalized for showing a movie you're forced to show? Eh? I'm pretty sure the companies would get death threats, but not that far.
Contradiction right there.
You ended this with a punch, it seems like. A theme that I got from this is that you follow your own religion, but are willing to bash any religion. That's the spirit of a satirist. That's what was relatable. That's what made this poem very likable and open. Though there are parts that are bit too offensive and not self aware, it still is solid.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
Dividing screen time into 6 parts to bash all religions is an exaggeration. Here the narrator is saying that, because of all the 6 religions are at loggerheads to each other, he's expected to bash every religion equally, not an inch more not an inch less. People are not actually interested in investing themselves into the movie, or the message it is trying to convey, they just want to see each others faith being bashed equally.
It's hard to explain this poem. It draws a lot of inspiration from real life incidences, so it'd be hard for you to get many inside references here.
typo, *because all religions*