I want to paint
something which doesn't have an understated emotion.
I want to admire
someone without imitating him.
I want to be a scintillating
star, not an underrated artist.
I want the fame
without losing the acclaim.
I want the freedom to
express without offending a judgmental prick.
I want to live in a world
where 2+2 could well be 5
I want to write a book
which enlightens the world.
I want to sing a song
which touches billions of hearts.
I want to live in a place
where content would dominate syntax
And equality would
overshadow justice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I want to paint something (Blood)which doesn't have an understated emotion- blood does not do this so I would chose it.
I want the freedom to express without offending a judgmental prick. - A.ka my dad.
Ilove this because it is honest and it is relatable THis IS A LIFE SPEECH!!!
My life speech. I eat, sleep, and live by this!!
I really do like this poem, and I love the entire concept. Some stanzas speak to me and others have the simplest thing to fix.
Let's start with the one stanza I love.
It's well written and nearly touches your heart. Very nice.
Now for the quick corrections:
I want the freedom to express without offending a judgmental prick.
I want to live in a world where 2+2 could well be 5.
I want to live in a place where content would dominate syntax.
And equality would overshadow justice.
That's all
Overall, this is well written and I really enjoyed reading it. Good job!
Spoiler
Really good poem! I guess it portrays the things we all want, but sadly cannot ever achieve due to the world we're living in! Nice job on this!. My favourite stanza is this:
"I want to write a book which enlightens the world.
I want to sing a song which touches billions of hearts. " So touching!
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Amazing. And 2+2 = 5 is synergy. :p
this is a really great poem i must admit. its the perfect reflection of what we want and how confused and unrealistic our thoughts might get.
if i were to nitpick-
the poem is a dreamy fantasy full of hope and ambition but its a "fantasy". one can never be all of it at once and most of it is also unrealistic like "I want to live in a world where 2+2 could well be 5".
I think bringing the first two lines to somewhere in the middle would improve the effect- why not add a few more and perhaps also give a hint of reality as you end it.
all in all the poem is quite good, i like the alliteration it it doesn't really get going in the same direction giving a wider point of view.
Thanks for the review! This was actually the first poem I had ever written so I had no idea how about lot of things. Will surely consider your points if i ever revise this.
Let me just say this was a pretty inspiring poem, I would have said the same things. People like me or even other writers will relate to how you feel and how your words have an effect on others. How it turns your thinking around and ponder about this. This is a poem I would call a 'thinking' poem. You present what you feel and others think about it and even relate to what you've portrayed in your poem/writing. I might be a bit picky on this but here it goes.
"I want the freedom to express without offending a judgmental prick.
I want to live in a world where 2+2 could well be 5"
Period after the five.
"I want to live in a place where content would dominate syntax
And equality would overshadow justice."
Period after the 'syntax.'
Sorry I'm very picky about details but other than that I think you're set! Good job on the poem!
I love this! It's so personable and relatable to how I feel! Nicely done.
Thanks
[spoiler] Sorry for the very late response.
Pretty good poem ^^
I like the theme you're trying to get across
Yo transporter, top this poem, I friggin dare ya -3-
THIS POEM IS RUBBISH!! GET IT???????
Rubbish poem. 20 likes for this trash????
Go and watch Shin Chan. You are the most overrated writer here.
Go away, transporter. Someone should report you. If you don't have anything constructive or kind to say, don't say anything. You're pissing the rest of us off.
What is your problem man?
What is your problem man?
This poem is buuuuuuuuullshhhhhiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT"S MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!
well if you don't like it can you at least tell us why instead of just saying its bad? That's the point of reviews, if you think something is terrible, write a constructive review as to why you think its bad and what the author can do to make it better
After reading this poem, I had one question in my mind which I am going to ask you now. How much time did it take you to write such a poem. I mean, it's amazing!
"I want to live in a world where 2+2 could well be 5 "
That's just a class apart!!!
"And equality would overshadow justice"
I want this soo much!!
Your poem is really too good and is capable enough to touch anyone's heart. Some of the things in there just too amazing. The vocab in the poem are outstanding and the flow is good too though the rhyme is absent which is perfectly covered up by the beautiful flow...
Keep writing and I hope to see your future works!!
P.S. If you get some time, please go through my works....
I have seen people work on a poem for more than 2 weeks but honestly speaking I wrote this within 50 minutes and after editing and reworking for about 25 minutes I posted this. So in all not more than 1 hour 15 minutes.
And I'm glad you liked it!
I think this is a really thoughtful poem, and it's written very well. ^_^ it's very emotional, and I can tell you've put a lot of thought into this. My only addition into this is thay 2+2=5 could be changed to 1+1=3, because- according to my sexual education teacher- that's how life works. XD
Sorry for being asinine, but your poem was so cool I just had to make little pun somewhere.
Seriously, this is good, and I too wish to be a star, rather than an underrated artist. It's such an emotional peice.
Thank you for posting something so meaningful onto this site,and I hope you have an awesome day! ^_^
I'm glad you liked it
I feel like I really relate to this for the fact that I want to touch others with my writing. Right now, I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. It seems like you've got it figured out; this really spoke to me!
It sounds like a great world, all except for the 2+2=5 bit. Have you ever read 1984 by George Orwell? Yes? No? It's basically a must-read for everyone who breathes. In the novel, the main character lives in a sort of totalitarian world led by none other than Big Brother himself. The Party manipulates the world's way of thinking, including its own! The people are so brainwashed that they can't decifer between what is true and what is not. For example, they teach the people that 2+2=5, and Winston is the only one to recognize that it is in fact 4. I'll try not to spoil the ending for anyone who hasn't read it, but I just find this contradictory to the rest of your poem. However, keep up the great work! It's a lovely piece and you are obviously extremely talented! I look forward to reading more
A world where 2 2 could well be 5
By this line I mean, I want to see a world where everyone's point of view gets accepted.
For example Galileo. He challenged the age old belief that Sun revolves round the earth. Nobody believed him and his theory was outright rejected.
So you see its not that 2 2 will always be 4. Maybe after few centuries someone might challenge this fundamental thought?
I know this is a bit off topic, but i have read an interesting yet baffling theorem which says
'Number of natural numbers till infinity are same as number of even numbers.'
Now this concept looks stupid but it holds true. That's what i have tried to convey here. And thanks for mentioning that book to me. I'll surely read it when i have some time.
Yo. I'm Lumi; let's jam.
The biggest issue in this piece is definitely flow. With your choice to begin each line with "I want to," you put yourself into the cookie-cutter shape that is often shared by small children whining to their parents. That said, this structure is not irreparable. I get the impulse to keep it uniform, to tie it to your title so tightly, but the price you pay in engrossing flow just seems too steep for my taste. There are smaller places where you can take scissors and repair your flow with light touches: for instance:
versus
It's this type of fluid edits that both bolster your flow and concision, and by proxy enabling readers to access your meaning with more ease.
As far as your content goes, there's no real review to be had as it's just a grocery list of wishes. There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but it leaves a bit to be desired in the realm of poetic elements. If you decide to revise this heavily one day, I'd be glad to give a personalized direction. For now, though, you have a decent conveyance of what you want, and your meaning is simple.
I hope this helps,
Lumi
A world where 2 2 could well be 5
By this line I mean, I want to see a world where everyone's point of view gets accepted.
For example Galileo. He challenged the age old belief that Sun revolves round the earth. Nobody believed him and his theory was outright rejected.
So you see its not that 2 2 will always be 4. Maybe after few centuries someone might challenge this fundamental thought?
I know this is a bit off topic, but i have read an interesting yet baffling theorem which says
'Number of natural numbers till infinity are same as number of even numbers.'
Now this concept looks stupid but it holds true. That's what i have tried to convey here. And thanks for mentioning that book to me. I'll surely read it when i have some time.
Oops sorry. This reply was for CardinalSouth.
Oops sorry. This reply was for CardinalSouth.
Nice! I think you've summed up the general feelings of unknown authors and poets everywhere. Great work on this! I didn't see any grammatical mistakes, but you probably want a period after "2+2 could well be 5". The poem flows pretty well too. I suppose the only other thing that I would change about this is make it slightly longer? (Just a personal opinion, don't listen to me if you like short poems.) It's just that there are so many other things I want to _____ lol. Other than that, awesome!
Nice! I think you've summed up the general feelings of unknown authors and poets everywhere. Great work on this! I didn't see any grammatical mistakes, but you probably want a period after "2+2 could well be 5". Other than that, awesome!
Your world sounds like a paradise.
^O^
Very nice written, i specially liked " judgmental prick ", it gave it a nice smile readding this.
Thanks for the compliment.