A Dog Who Witnessed a Terrorist Attack

Thank you for writing this poem! It means so much to me, because the Peshawar attack happened in my country and not far from where I live. I;m glad someone is giving a tribute and remembering the innocent lives that were lost at the hands of vile, inhuman terrorists.

I don't like how you've written the dog as a "fool" but oh well, it's your poem. But the message it conveys is touching.

Keep it up.

Wow this is great. I like your rhymes and creativity. How I wish I was like that.

Anyway, how long did you take to do it? It'll take me nearly 2 hours just to do 3 verses. You are certainly great. Again, how I wish I was like that.

Hello! Here as requested! You asked me to look at content, so I'll attempt to do that: however, part and parcel of that is your structure, because that effects how your content is viewed and interpreted.

I also want to say off the bat that you do one thing I personally do not like, and that's personification with the dog. I think a lot of this would work better with more of an understanding as a dog - you'd see images, but far less judgmental words, such as "fool," or "massacre" (though that's debatable), etc.

A lot of your descriptions are culturally based, and mean very different things in different parts of the world, let alone different parts of a country. That said, I like setting the image of the school in place - instead of naming it "beautiful," describe it specifically - a large tree out front, bright orange paint, something to paint an actual image, not just calling it "beautiful." Now, take that same idea and apply it to the rest of the poem. You have some images that can be really powerful, but I think they fall very short from what they could be.

I'm not sure about the God invocation. I... don't know what to say, other than that, I guess? It kind of comes out of nowhere, and doesn't really make sense to put in more than halfway through the narrative? It's forced and honestly feels tacked on like an afterthought.

Ok, last thing: do not rhyme just for rhyme's sake. And do not make your lines difficult to read simply for the sake of rhyme. i.e. - "A voice so painful, brought 9/11 back to dreams." It reads really awkwardly, and many of your other lines do the same with choosing words for rhyme rather than affect.

I'm not sure I focused exactly on content like you asked, but the thing with poetry is every bit interplays with the others to create the final product in ways that other types of writing don't (or at least not to the same extent). So, you're content and your structure and each word choice really effect each other very closely. If you have any questions, let me know! I can't promise anything helpful, but I can try ^^

Mesh

Hello, @DrFeelGood! I am @emeraldfox, representing the Night Furies this review day!

You captured this tragic event in such a beautiful poem. The Peshawar attacks were so horrific and you definitely captured that in this poem. I liked how you used a dog as the speaker of the poem. It made this seem so much more personal because the dog didn't know all the details and was asking himself many of the same questions people asked after hearing about the attack. Because this wasn't written as a listing-the-facts, all-knowing news article, readers got a much more personal and emotionally-charged look at the event that took place in Peshawar. Your rhymes were all very well though-out and didn't seem forced or stretched. Even though I don't believe in any gods, I liked how you included the bit about God at the end. Reading through the other reviews, I thought it was interesting that you wrote God as being someone's inner voice, rather than an actual person. Your poem flowed very well and had a good meter. I really don't have anything to correct!

Great job on this! It was a heartbreaking and breathtaking piece that reflected a current event perfectly! I love poems and stories based on actual events that are happening right now. *likes*

Hey, DrFeelGood! Wisegirl22 here to review, as I said!

Okay, so let's ride a unicorn into this. The first line is a bit rocky. Since these readers are just introduced to this school, we don't know much about "the" tree beside it. So, "a" would be more appropriate. And, "besides" doesn't need a "s" for it to make sense. Finally, you need a period after this phrase, not a comma.

"I was sleeping beneath the tree besides a beautiful school,..."

And, the normal capitalization talk. Since a poem is basically (a) sentence(s) broken up into lines that sometimes rhymes, wouldn't all the capital letters at the beginning of the lines not be needed? Just something to think about; it's entirely your decision to change it or not.

Second line. It might be your opinion, but a dog viewing itself in the third person doesn't really fit me. Maybe, "...for me, an innocent little fool." And if you were to take my suggestion, take out the comma after "quiet".

"The restless world seemed quiet, for this innocent little fool."

The second little couplet. I think "chatterboxes" is one word, if I'm not mistaken. And, if I remember correctly, "scoff" is used as a verb. If it actually is a noun, sorry. But you could rewrite it like, "...there was no time to scoff!" Finally, you need a period after "off".

"The school today was silent, the chatter boxes were off
It was exam time for students, there was no time for scoff!"

You're missing a comma in the first line of this section. Put one after "day". And, smooching isn't what a dog would do to a bone...but for the sake of rhyming I'll let it go past. Oh, I almost forgot, instead of a comma after "pooch", put a period.

"The day as it went on, made me a hungry pooch,
I woke up within minutes and found a bone to smooch."

Instead of "as", in this situation, you should put "when". And, of course, period instead of comma after "scream". Also, the second phrase of the second line in this section needs some work. Maybe you could rewrite it to: "...it brought back 9/11 dreams."

"I was busy with my food as I heard a loud scream,
A voice so painful, brought 9/11 back to dreams."

Replace that first comma with "that", please. And, period instead of last comma.

"I turned around and noticed, the children were no more,"

Comma misused! The comma after "witnessed" is useless. So is the one after "spine", replace the last one with...a period. (Please fix everything like that after. I'm getting a little tired of typing it.)

"The horror I had witnessed, sent a chill down my spine,"

Comma after "instilled" is definitely not needed. And, "ounce" isn't really a big measurement. Maybe you could say, "...shedding thousands of tears." But if you do want to keep ounces, please put an s after it.

"I hid behind the fence, shedding ounce of tears,
They had successfully instilled, a massive tide of fears."

Basically, you need to fix your problem with punctuation. It's really rocky here. But a like the outline, just add a bit more tweaks to it and you'll be fine! Look it over, and see what you can do. Follow the things in my review, if you don't know. This is a great start, I would definitely like to see a short story made out of this! Keep writing!

-wisegirl22

blllaa... awesome!!!!!

Well, even I heard about the Peshawar Attack and felt extremely sorry for the innocents! Whatever the maoists did was shamelessly inhumane, they couldn't even take pity on the students...and fired the school premises into blood all over. They took out the students forcefully from under the desk and fired ridiculously! To my knowledge, 132 students, 1 female teacher, 1 guard, and 7 commandos sacrificed.
Truly mate, it reminded me of 9/11.
In your poem, the dog who witnesses the massacre is really a perfect way to tell the incident through. Good idea.
And that conversation between the dog and the God is precisely up to the mark. It feels that even the God is ashamed of his creation and he is becoming impatient to make the dog understand.
Well, all in all, it was perfect but I would advice you to write poems with such ideas a bit lengthier and a bit more informative! But it's nice. Well done!

Well, even I heard about the Peshawar Attack and felt extremely sorry for the innocents! Whatever the maoists did was shamelessly inhumane, they couldn't even take pity on the students...and fired the school premises into blood all over. They took out the students forcefully from under the desk and fired ridiculously! To my knowledge, 132 students, 1 female teacher, 1 guard, and 7 commandos sacrificed.
Truly mate, it reminded me of 9/11.
In your poem, the dog who witnesses the massacre is really a perfect way to tell the incident through. Good idea.
And that conversation between the dog and the God is precisely up to the mark. It feels that even the God is ashamed of his creation and he is becoming impatient to make the dog understand.
Well, all in all, it was perfect but I would advice you to write poems with such ideas a bit lengthier and a bit more informative! But it's nice. Well done!

Hey DrFeelGood. I appreciate you trying at a poem about such recent horrific events, and I think you are trying to get a good message across, but here's the thing. God isn't just some guy sitting in the sky crying, "Oh dear, whatever shall I do?" and twiddles his thumbs as his children die.
God loves these children. He is with them, not condemning them. Being better people will not change the evil in the world. Only God can switch this around completely. We don't advise God on what to do. He is in control. He is never at a loss.
Thanks.

So I'm new to this, but I thought this was very interesting. I never would have thought that this point of view would still be very impacting. It's still as horrid through a dog's eyes. I saw no errors and the wording was amazing! Nice job!

OK, I just want to first say that this is a really clever idea for a poem, I really do love this! I don't like the death tho... But I still find this amazing, if there where any grammar problems I couldn't find them and I really don't like pointing them out because I don't want to hurt peoples feeling on accident :3 So yeah, I really like this idea of a story and hope to see more of your work! (Hint: You just earned a follower :3)