Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

Pain says peek-a-boo

by DivergentDemigod


I stare blankly

at the TV screen.

As I think about 

my life

and how it has 

changed tracks 

so dramatically.

I have too many problems.

I think,

as I laugh bitterly 

at my own self.

My eyes heavy 

with the bags below it.

My lips chapped

with being bitten 

too hard, too many times,

and my nails bloody 

and bitten up to their beds.

Even Spongebob,

can't make me feel 

better today.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
745 Reviews


Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

Donate
Thu Nov 10, 2016 1:31 am
Lumi wrote a review...



Ayyyy. Hit this with a pass-through for subject-verb agreement and let's talk about flow and lack thereof.

Chop Suey, I call it, when a poem chops lines at two syllables. Now, when we talk about line breaks and white space in general, it's not always a pause, a soft stop, or a hard stop at all, but instead a shift in momentum. So what you're doing is, between every line, changing the momentum for better or (most often) for worse. Lines need not be symmetrical or anything near it. Figure out where the breaks come naturally and place them where you feel they belong instead of in these brake-happy teenage-driver stop-go locales as-is.

Moving on, content-wise, you've given us something that I think could be sized down to about ten of your short lines because there's a bunch of seemingly unnecessary bits here, but the remedy to this is to understand their necessity:

1. TV screen / changed so drastically relates to the election (won't be meaningful without context in a decade; needs clarity)
2. Heavy eyes, chapped lips: tiredness, existential wear and tear, broken-down and showing no signs of repair in sight.
3. Bloody nails: anxiety, possible masochism if you want to go deeper
4: Spongebob, a throwback to childhood. easy.

So in understanding these, you need to make them all pertinent to the main concept of the narrator's life never being the same. I actually think you can accomplish this needle-and-thread act through titular guidance. "Pain says peek-a-boo" is not cohesive with this; however, if you were to take the title and dip it in the ink that shares common ground with your images, you could easily tie this up nicely.

Final note to reiterate that you really will lack context for the presidency in four years. Figure that out unless you're just writing for a hobby - in which case, it's fine.
Ty




User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Donate
Wed Nov 09, 2016 11:45 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, DivergentDemigod!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

You really had me there, at the end, and I was enjoying the poem so far. It's a shame that it was such a short poem, because I felt as if you were really going somewhere. This isn't so much of a suggestion, rather than a comment, but if you do make this poem a little bit longer, I'd find that very pleasant.

I stare blankly

at the TV screen.

As I think about

my life

and how it has

changed tracks

so dramatically.


So this is how you introduce your poem, and it does give us a rough concept of what this poem will be about, and where this poem is heading. However, I feel as if you can tell the reader a little bit more, in fact, show the reader a little bit more. Not only tell us about "how life changed direction", but describe it. Use metaphor in detail to draw your reader in. It's present in the rest of the poem, and it's definitely strong/effective. I feel as if your introduction could use some of that, too.

I think,

as I laugh bitterly

at my own self.


You think what? The previous sentence ends with a period, and doesn't have any elements that indicate that they are a thought. So what /do/ you think, as you laugh bitterly to yourself? Nothing here is really tied to this thought, so if the previous statement was a thought, I would add italics, quotations, or something, so that the reader wouldn't get stumped or confused here.

The poem ends not very smoothly, and rather abruptly. I'd try to add something to make it more connected to the previous thoughts, and more related. That way you give your reader a more satisfying ending. (love that spongebob allusion, though)

That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope my review helped you out, and have a great day! ^-^





Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo