A bunch of red roses in one hand a pack of chocolates in the other,
he knocked on my door, it was 2:30 am far as I remember.
He was wearing a black suit
Complete with a bow tie and a charming smile.
He looked beautiful and I wasn't very surprised.
"I didn't know you were coming.", I wishpered.
"Ready to go?"
He whispered back leaning down to kiss my cheek,
sending shivers down my spine.
"Where?" I asked,
even though I was perfectly aware of where he was taking me.
He didn't answer just smiled,
grabbed my hand,
and even though I wasn't ready and unwilling to go,
led me down the stairs.
I don't want to leave. I wanted to tell him,
but the words seemed to be stuck at the back of throat.
And I just struggled,
under his grib trying to get back home.
Please leave me alone. I wanted to scream,
but I couldn't and I had never been more scared,
for even though I knew he was coming for me sometime,
I never anticipated Death to take me
in the middle of the night,
just like that without any warning.
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Heyo Demi it's Oreos here for a review!
First off I really like your title. It is really eye catching and made me wonder what you wrote. It was really good. I liked the first lines:
In my opinion these were really good starting lines. They made me want to read more.
When I read this I immediately thought of someone sinister. I don't know why the description just made me thing he was bad.
What are you surprised by? Also you misspelled whisper.
The rest was good but it got sorta confusing at the end and and I didn't know what was happening after that. Could you be a little more clear on why she did not want to go with him and why he is taking her. Why did she expect him?
Overall I liked it and think it was good. You could be a little clearer in the end and I only saw one grammar error so Congrats on that! Keep writing and I hope to read more of your work in the future! I hope this helped!
Oreos
Hey, Aleta here for a review.
"A bunch of red roses in one hand a pack of chocolates in the other,"
Fix this. Instead, perhaps something like: A bouquet of roses in one hand and a pack of chocolates in the other. (It is common sense to know that roses are red, therefore the description is not necessary)
"he knocked on my door, it was 2:30 am far as I remember."
Capitalize remember.
"I wishpered. "
Fix.
"He whispered back leaning down to kiss my cheek,"
You are using present and past tense. What?
"under his grib"
Fix.
"in the middle of the night,
just like that without any warning."
The ending was not strong at all. I did not really care that the girl died whatsoever and throughout the poem no sort of emotion struck me to be honest. I think if you used rhyming it would sound better and you are kind of telling it more of a story rather than with the beat of a poem.