Everyday the world turns,
everyday the sun shines,
everyday the wind blows,
and everyday she dies some more.
*
No one there to hear her cries
her muffled pleas to god to let her die.
Buried under her own self,
pretending to be happy.
She lived.
*
She lived,
not happily, but stereo typically.
Getting up in the morning, tired
and going back to bed, wide awake.
She was tired of trying to
fix things broken beyond repair.
*
The world still turned
The sun still shone
The wind still blew.
Her happiness was long lost.
But she found some relief in pain.
Watching the red turning pink
swirling down the drain,
for her was pure bliss.
Soon she became the girl with the 'hideous' scars.
But she couldn't care less.
*
Numbly staring at the crimson liquid,
bubbling out of her torn skin
made her feel alive.
It reminded her that she in fact, was still human
stiched up to look okay,
with a bruised, yet beating heart .
*
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I was told there would be butterflies! Where are the butterflies?!
All joking aside. While the subject matter makes me queasy cringey, the writing is very well done. Not simply in that there weren't any grammar problems, but in the fact that you wrote with a lot of clarity, and with imagery that is not only realistic, but familiar.
"Getting up in the morning, tired, and going back to bed wide awake"
This is something many people can relate too, and one of my favorite lines.
I liked your use of alliteration,
"Everyday the world turns,
everyday the sun shines,
everyday the wind blows,
and everyday she dies some more."
It creates an image of endless suffering, a downward spiral, as constant as the passing of the days.
The thing is, with subject matter like this I like to see some ... revelation? Some sort of solution to the person's problem? Even just a simple ray of hope. That may sound silly, but it really isn't. There are people in the midst of this, swamped in misery, and thus poems about misery are common if nothing else. However, a poem about misery that could communicate a realistic silver lining, a looking up, or at least a ray of light would be a rare gem.
That being said, you poem is still an impressive and complete peace of writing. I am glad to have gotten to read it.
Keep Writing!!!! You've got it. ^.^
"Oh. Oh really? Oh, for real now? That's where we're going with this? Okay. Fine. I like a challenge." - me, every morning as I stare down my alarm clock, 2016.
So. Uh...
How do I put this...
Nice...structure?
Okay, well developed and clearly justifiable shock and awe aside, I really appreciate just how well put together this is. The words float along nicely, the imagery is there, and I can tell by the syntax that there's a rhythm to this poem. Overall an excellent work of art - 10/10 by my standards.
Now for the shock and awe section. My interpretation of this entire story is that there's a girl with some form of terminal illness, or maybe some chemical/physical alteration that she's CLEARLY not happy with, and thus she prays for death daily.
What confuses me however, are the "she found some relief in pain" and "It reminded her that she, in fact, was still human" parts. I know she prayed for death daily, thus she's obviously suicidal, but that doesn't explain the sudden - and forgive me if I'm misinterpreting this horribly - masochism thing she has with the cutting herself in the bathtub to make sure she's still human.
This brings to mind a question: IS she human? Is this girl some sort of altered deformity with an immortal body that she just causes damage to until it stops retaining damage? Why is she praying for death so much if the literal only issue she has is a bad heart? It makes little to no logical sense for someone with terminal illness to wish for death, then adopt cutting and masochism - which advocate slow, painful death and non-lethal injuries - then try to justify the aforementioned cutting and masochism by saying she's still human?
What I'm trying to say here is - and I'm sorry if I sound rant-ish or angry, trust me, I'm not in any way - it seems rather counter-intuitive to wish for death, adopt a habit of painful injury that brings you no closer to death than the terminal illness, and then try to remember whether or not you're human. If she wants to die so bad, then why not just kill herself with whatever she's managing to draw enough blood to wash down the drain of a bathtub - which, by the way, is a LOT of blood from a LOT of injuries "stitched up to look okay"?
I'd appreciate it if you could explain exactly what's happening here, as poems tend to not have clear and distinct events to draw claims, evidence, and conclusive reasoning from, as is a staple of the genre, I suppose.
Hi, I'm here to review.
I'm a fan of repetition, but I feel that its application here is unnecessary. Yes, the world turns, the sun shines, and wind blows, but what do those occurrences have to do with the last line? Repetition is made to focus readers to a single point, but the point rather comes late here; it shows at the fourth line. Perhaps change the natural activities to those that concern 'she'?
For the second stanza, the second line is too long that it disrupts the flow. Try making it shorter while maintaining the idea behind it. Also, confused about the self part. It implies that the persona is 'buried under her own self'. I interpret 'her own self' as her true self, so the lines indicates her true self is too heavy, too transparent, that she is 'buried' under it. The idea does not connect with the next line, saying clearly that she is pretending to be happy. Is she pretending because she does not like her true self (self-deprecating)? The stanza begs the question to be answered.
All right, so the rest of the stanzas describes self-harm, and here the ideas are lacking. Instead of describing the nature of such action, why not explore more? Give the persona five Ws (why, when, where, what, who) and one H (how)? Right now, the poem is too dimensional. I cannot understand of certain aspects without having full context about them. Therefore, what I get from this poem is rather limited, and shouldn't be so.
That is all! Keep improving!