Hidden behind a veil of clouds
playing peek-a-boo with all her admirers
the moon stands
-cold and alone-
hiding her faults and mistakes,
secrets even
behind her own dazzling brilliancy.
She is beautiful in many ways,
but keeps a part of itself hidden. Always.
Powered by sun's radiance
she still thinks lowely of herself.
*
Flowing, ever coursing around
the meanders without stopping
to think or reflect she runs
to avoid the terrifying memories that yearn
-and linger in the back of that
abyss she calls her minds -
to catch up and cause an algal bloom
which takes her breathe away and causes her to
no longer reflect the true blue spirit.
Forever doomed to run
cold and alone.
*
Suddenly taken, plucked and thrown
away into the icy ground forever
to be trampled upon without mercy
She whimpers as she lays
-cold and alone- with her thoughts
and shattered dreams. How can
she bloom now, that her opportunities
where taken away? Only with her
courage and strong will can she
let go of all her doubts and regrets
and fade away into the void.
*
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140,415 Literary Works • 673,175 Reviews
Hey, here with a review. First of all, I really liked your poem it flows and I don't think that any bit of this was rushed and it was graceful as well as elegant. The use of metaphors are amazing, it adds a sensitive yet childish touch to the poem. The repetition you've used adds a bit of emotion into this piece. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece and I look forward to reading some more. Keep writing!
~Rosy234
I liked this poem. It flowed nicely although it was rocky at times. Can I just say, when writing poems grammar doesn't matter. You need to start every line with a capital letter and you don't have to put full stops and commas in to the piece. There were a few spelling mistakes. There is a simple solution to this, edit. With every piece of writing you need to check over it and make sure there are no mistakes. Other than that this piece was very good and I enjoyed reading it.
I liked this poem. It flowed nicely although it was rocky at times. Can I just say, when writing poems grammar doesn't matter. You need to start every line with a capital letter and you don't have to put full stops and commas in to the piece. There were a few spelling mistakes. There is a simple solution to this, edit. With every piece of writing you need to check over it and make sure there are no mistakes. Other than that this piece was very good and I enjoyed reading it.
Hello, DivergentDemigod (and RadiantShadow)! Lupa here for a review!
Let's jump in...
1) "behind her own dazzling briliancy." Just wanted to say that you spelled "brilliancy" wrong; there should be two l's instead of just one. In addition, you have this problem with "lowly" ("she still thinks lowely of herself."), so check your spelling before you post.
2) "the meanders without stopping" Shouldn't it be "the river meanders?"
3) "her opportunities
where taken away?"
Here, replace "where" with "were." Again, you can use grammarly or Microsoft Word to fix these spelling issues.
4) Your formatting is okay, and I like how you emphasize "cold and alone" every stanza. But in the second stanza it doesn't have those little dashes around it, and it threw me a little off guard. Maybe you overlooked that part?
5) Personification worked great here, but I think you do too much "telling" and not enough "showing." In addition, maybe there's a little bit too much personification in the river stanza, where you say that the river has terrible memories in the back of its mind. What memories would these be? Pollution?
Overall, I think your poem is great, but it can use a little work and a fine-toothed comb. Keep writing and improving!
XOX,
Lupa22
I think this is my favorite poem out of the other poems we have done together.
same <3