to join the eloquent free of the refined
sipping champagne, feast the caviar with the devil
for the devil is within me too;
nothing has ever been more true.
than the swath of destruction about to let loose
inherent emancipation of the useless and uncouth
to rise free in a blood thirst fueled by destiny
lay waste to the privileged masses of apathy.
for there are lessons to be learned by pen
yet they all stem from lessons started by sword,
in the name of yet another mighty lord
a mighty master, yet again made of gold, cast from fire and alabaster.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Dude, this needs to be spoken word like. Yesterday.
Your rhymes are fresh and loose, your flow is smooth. I've got nothing but love for your use of the poetic chains. You get a tad bit dramatic in the second stanza going forward, but that tends to be the case when you combine rhyming with religious imagery and a topic akin to evil's in all of us or girl you ain't as holy as you think or dude chill and have a fish egg, we're all in the mud together.
All in all you do a good job of bringing this across in the first stanza, but whoa buddy you get lit in line eight and keep it going til the end. The best lines are eight and nine--I want them on my tombstone kthnx.
So generally you just lose yourself in the drama of the buildup. Like I said, easy to do with the content and utility. If you want to refine it (which as of right now it's fine as an assignment or a statement piece or a spoken word,) but if you want it on that next level where you need to be, ensure that you stay true to your core theme with the swords and lords and fires and pyres.
Ty
I like your imagery here ^^ Highly effective for your purpose, while not being too blunt. However, I feel like your flow could be a bit better. You could try reading your poems out loud to see how the rhythm is. I also noticed that your rhyming scheme is a bit off. It goes:
ABCC
DDEE
FGGH
It seems kind of sparratic and unorganized because of this, and it makes the poem lose its focus. I like the middle stanza the best, I think it flows better than the other two. I also like the last line, how you used internal rhyming with "master" and "alabaster." I also like how you didn't capitalize any words, which gave it a unique feel.
In conclusion, I like the meaning of the poem and the words you used, but I think you could improve it a bit, if you wanted.
Thanks,
~Joelsweet
(Ps- I am by no means a professional poet, haha)
Thank you for the review!
Of course ^^