Hello and happy review day once again!
Another interesting chapter here. I'm sure I said this in the last chapter as well, but one thing you're good about is pulling the reader into each individual scene. I've missed some chapters from where I last reviewed this, so I know I'm missing some details here, but I still feel engaged and interested reading this chapter. I think you're able to do that because of your descriptions and strong characterization. I've spent virtually no time with these people, but I want to get to know them more.
Some specific thoughts:
Somehow, years of being taciturn are not enough to keep Martin’s worry from surfacing. The moment his dad lumbers onto the bus, he notices Martin’s mouth is crooked just so and his hands hover over the pocket of his backpack where he stores his cell phone. Martin stares at his surroundings instead of getting lost in a book, and he sits with his back arched instead of straight.
The second sentence "the moment...." feels a bit out of place. This paragraph is about Martin's feelings and what Martin is doing, and even though we're in third, the way this paragraph starts it feels like we're going to be sort of in Martin's head. But the inclusion of what the dad notices kind of breaks that. If you're trying to stay first person limited (like focusing on one person's head a time while in 3rd) then the second line kind of breaks that. If you're not going to keep scenes third person limited, that's fine, but I would still change this around a bit so we don't go from Martin to Martin's dad and then back to Martin in one paragraph.
“Later. Probably.”
How does he say this? Try to convey what he's feeling here.
“This, uh… this is new,” he says. “Do you think, once all the chaos of turning into a vampire wears off, you might explain?”
What's new, and explain what?
“Really?” Martin mutters. “Is that even safe?”
I feel like this is something he could think rather than say out loud. Even though he's muttering, someone could have heard him and could ask him about what he meant, and I feel like this is something he doesn't really want to share.
As though sensing his concern, Willow sends a text describing in great detail a recent surge in spectral energy. Then she asks for Martin to please tell Drake and Divinity to go somewhere safe while she investigates on her own.
I think you could show us these text messages. The way you distinguish the texts from the regular prose is up to you, but just like a real conversation, I think it could show some unique insights into both of these characters. Plus, it's more fun to see conversations than hear about them
“Leave it to Willow to take everything upon herself.”
Is this a thought or does he say this out loud? If it's a thought, I would put it in italics to distinguish it a bit.
“Oh boy,” Martin breathes, letting out a dry laugh identical to his dad’s. “I wonder if either of those two realizes what Willow is actually up to. She’s a screamer, not a fainter.”
Same here. I feel like this is a thought because it would be a little awkward to be sitting there talking to yourself (and there's always the worry that someone could overhear...)
Overall, I think this chapter is really intriguing. I think this story is so unique and so creative and you're really doing a nice job with each individual chapter. I wish I've read enough to give you some thoughts on how I think the whole thing is coming to together. But alas, even though some of the finer plot details are confusing to me that's fine because I'm sure it's because I've missed so much. Your writing as a whole is strong, and I hope you keep working on this story! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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