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Young Writers Society


12+

The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 1.05)

by Ventomology


Tuesday, 14:30, route 31

When Rick huddles in his seat to wait out the onslaught of students cramming onto his bus, he expects to be shaken back to reality by the boy with the moon-rabbit from that morning, not some fuming girl.

“Honestly!” she shouts, looking over her shoulder, her bus pass held between two fingers. “I go to school expecting to tell you two about the vampire I saw this morning, and then you jump me with information you should have told me years ago?”

The boy behind her smiles, apologies hidden in his eyes. He holds up two passes, and Rick narrows his eyes at the rabbit in the boy’s arms. If the girl who broke Rick from his tune-out was complaining about the boy with the rabbit, then was the boy with the rabbit truly responsible?

Rick squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s a bus driver, not a philosopher.

“It’s not that big of a deal, Divinity,” says the boy. “Besides, you know as well as anyone that most powerful folk don’t go around telling people they have magic.”

“We have been friends since kindergarten,” Divinity hisses. “Kindergarten, you hear?” She jabs a finger at the rabbit and leans forward. “And don’t think you can get away with this either, Willow. You may have an adorable exterior, but your soul is as black as the lie.”

Twitching her whiskers, Willow sniffles. “I didn’t lie, and my soul is bluish green.”

“You kept this from me!” Divinity says. “That’s as good as lying. And besides, how do you even know what color your soul is?”

“You can see it when I’m in my mixed form. Now can you please shut up about the whole powerful folk thing? We’re drawing attention.”

Drake’s subsequent chuckle sounds hollow against the silence of the other passengers, and their embarrassment at being caught listening looms like an elephant. To smooth out the atmosphere, Drake asks Divinity how her classes went.

“Gosh, they were awful,” she says. “Sometimes, I wish I was willing to put in the work to be in your fancy advanced ones. Do you know what Mr. Dion talked about today?”

Of course Drake and Willow do not; they have never set foot in Mr. Dion’s classroom.

“He kept blabbing about Mexicans stealing all our jobs, and then he turns to me and he’s all like “oh, but no offense to you, Divinity. You’re the best student I’ve ever had.” Like, how is that not offensive?” Divinity gestures like she’s crushing a pop can in her hand, glowering until her nose turns purple. “My mom was born here, and my grandparents are from the Dominican Republic, not Mexico. You can’t just assume that I’m Mexican because I speak Spanish at home, and what about all the kids who are? Did Mr. Dion even think about how they’d feel?”

Divinity’s anger scares Drake into loosening his grip on Willow, and she squirms to keep from falling to the ground.

“Honestly,” Divinity says, “what kind of insanely rare syzygy does it take to find a good teacher?”

“You must be learning something if you can throw around a word like ‘syzygy’ in everyday conversation,” Willow mutters. “Even a valedictorian-track student like Drake or Martin wouldn’t know what that means.”

Again, Drake nearly drops the rabbit. A red splotch creeps across his cheeks, and tiny scales dot his face like freckles. “But do you know the definition, Willow?” Despite the rabbit’s correct assumption of Drake’s lack of knowledge, his voice remains calm and gentleman-like.

“Of course I do. It’s an alignment of three celestial bodies.” Then Willow fidgets in Drake’s grasp and paws at her whiskers. “But I mean, syzygy is sort of important to anyone involved with outer space, so I just picked up the word from my parents.”

“Alas, the dragon is beaten by the rabbit,” Divinity says, shrugging. “You’re both animals associated with cunning, so I was wondering who would win.  Insubstantial rabbit: one.  Flaming lizard: zero.”

A few nearby passengers giggle, but they are drowned out by the screeching of brakes. As Divinity turns to face the front of the bus, her face turns from sly disappointment to shock. Lines even threaten to crease her forehead.

“No way,” she whispers. “Someone pressed the stop button before me. That hasn’t happened since I was ten.” She whips her glare back to Drake and Willow and growls. “Outrageous. I will get dirt on someone tomorrow.”

The doors squeal, and frigid air spirals through the bus, sending nervous sparks down Drake’s and Willow’s spines. Goosebumps turn to hills and mountains as Divinity shoots one last, devious scowl at her friends. And then she is gone, lost in the river of students pouring from the bus.

Drake lets out a breath. “She’s much scarier than any powerful folk I know.”

“Imagine if she teamed up with Martin. They could cover every fear in the book.”

“I never want to get on their bad sides,” Drake replies. He squeezes Willow closer and shivers before relaxing and letting his shoulders sag under the weight of his backpack. “Are you staying at my house until the spell wears off, or should I leave you at your house and come to get you later?”

Wrinkling her nose, Willow attempts a wry grin. “I think I’ll stay with you, though I’m definitely not touching anything in your house ever again.”

“Even the carpet?” Drake asks. He chuckles and reaches for the stop button posted near the front exit. When he pushes the button, a short ping echoes in the quiet.

Willow tilts her head as though she might roll her eyes. “Sure. Even the carpet.”


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Tue Sep 29, 2015 7:15 pm
TinkerTwaggy wrote a review...



Starting to get it now.
A chapter with Divinity is an awesome chapter.

I. Impressions of the Shell Master!

1. ...Took me one chapter to get that the guy was a vampire. I feel really, really stupid. This is why I should use them more.

2. Rick's still the amazing voice of widom and reason. Gotta love him for that.

3. Magic-using powerful folk? Well that's interesting. Wait, was that a world building element? Neat!

4. I relate to Divinity SO MUCH. Though luckily, my brother's the one who had that kind of teacher, not me. Still though, there's nothing more irrating that having people makin' you understand that you don't really belong to their group, especially when you actually do.

5. That celestial body part is gibberish to me, mostly because I got mixed up with your provided explanation and the continuation of the conversation. Google is a really good friend.
Ah well. At least I learned a new word, thanks to you.

6. I wonder who pressed the stop button before Divinity. I may be over-thinking this though, but I feel like this should be important in some way.

7. Well that was a nice concluding phrase!

II. Conclusion of the Shell Mastetr!

...Hm. Still haven't found anything to complain about yet. Most of my confusion comes from the fact that your story's incredibly unique, so I have to put myself in a mindset that's in between fantasy and realism, which I'm not used to - or at least not in English.
Putting that aside, yet another great chapter. I'll try to review these one at a time, though I'll do more during weekend, provided I don't waste my free time too much.

~Shell Master Tortwag~




Ventomology says...


Ah, the vampire. You'll be seeing more of him very soon.

For number 4, I'm glad you relate to her! Also, tell me if I overstep or do something wrong with regards to prejudice. I've certainly faced some, but never in the way that Divinity or Martin would. (It's not pretentious of me to include those kinds of struggles, is it?)

Anyways, thanks for the review!



TinkerTwaggy says...


Hm. interesting.

So far so good, I'd say - I mean, as much as I've read from Divinity's complains. And what she faces are very similar to the ones I've faced, so I can indeed help in that regard.
(No, of course not! Your setting fits the theme, and Divinity introduced the idea nicely. Keep on doin')

You're welcome! You'll get more when I fully recover for that stupid cold/coughing frenzy I got this weekend.



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Thu Sep 24, 2015 1:03 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



There's this interesting thing people have started doing: it entails combining your greeting and introduction into a single paragraph! Innovative, isn't it? Do you think I should try it? (If you're wondering who these people are, they are the inhabitants of hammerspace.)


Notes

1. When Drake asks Divinity about her classes, you say it's to "smooth" the air, but that's an adjective. You meant to say "smoothen", which is a verb.

2. Also, while the description of the eavesdroppping passengers' embarrasment hanging in the air is interesting, your use of "stagnant" is incorrect. The adjective refers to something that is foul or stale because of a lack of movement, especially when referring to water. However, embarrasment can't move to begin with, so that image doesn't work. Sorry.


Impressions

1. Yeah, whoa. You can't start a chapter with a paradox or even something vaguely philosophical - as Rick unintentionally confirms. Although, I don't get why he pinched his nose. The closing of his eyes makes sense, but pinching the bridge of his nose does not... I intially thought he was going to blow through is nose to restore the pressure levels inside his ear.

2. I'd have put "Kindergarten" in italics the second time, for emphasis.

3. I love how indignantly Willow's actions and response are. And being a rabbit half moon spirit thiny fits her character perfectly, even if I shouldn't (that means "would", but it's used like "shall"; it does not mean "ought to") have guessed that her spirit form or something like that is a rabbit.

4. You just love throwing in a random sentence or two to diffuse the tension of serious situations, don't you? Nevertheless, it is enjoyable to read. XD

5. How is Willow beaten by Drake? He didn't know what it means, yet she did. By my estimation, that means she ought to win. (And though I love dragons, the cunning ones are actually in the minority. They are typically known for being dangerous, powerful, and savage - if you aren't in the Orient.)

6. And Divinity just went from melodramatic to plain confusing, although I look forward to finding out who the poor to-be-dirtied soul is.

7. But what about the floor? And the walls? And the toilet? (And the handwash?)


You've mentioned Martin, but since he doesn't ride the public bus, it seems he won't feature personally, which is sad. Also, I think we ought to have more public buses down here, since that would solve many of the traffic jams. But since many of us live too close to the school to get to a bus stop (and since the only bus stops of which I know are five minutes from the school), that will probably never happen.

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Ventomology says...


I have fixed both notes. 'Smoothen' is apparently not a word, but I think you were still right about just 'smooth' being wrong.

Also, I thought dragons were known for riddles! Have I been growing up with misguiding information? (And yes, I mis-typed that sentence. Oops.)

By the way, Martin does ride the bus. He was in 1.02, and he'll show up again in the next part.

Anywho, thanks for starting to catch up! I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to this week's review yet; I've had rehearsal every night this week.

Ciao for now!



BrumalHunter says...


Not a problem at all. And yes, I saw Martin was in the next part when I began reading it. Is he the one who was rude? I think so...

It's strange that your source says "smoothen" is not a word, since each of my dictionaries have it... Strange, but no matter. And like I said, dragons do ask riddles, but those are more likely the very ancient dragons with massive hordes. The younger upstarts don't care much for riddles, for what they lack in wisdom they have an abundance of greed and pride.

Of course, that all depends on how they were raised. I'm sure Drake's lineage stems from the noble, wise dragons of old, so in his case, it's probably true.



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Fri Sep 11, 2015 4:39 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Just a short review because I only have one thing for you to consider. Quite possibly this has been covered somewhere far earlier in the chapter, but since I only started with the previous section...

Does everyone in your world know about "powerful folk" and magic? Because in the previous section, when the vampire shows up on the bus, it seems like the answer is no. Rick the bus-driver gets nervous when the vampire gets on and says...whatever he says...and lets him ride around for free, which seemed at the time because he was just scared and didn't know what this strange dude's deal was. Plus Divinity and her friends stop talking about the "powerful folk" because they're "drawing attention," but...I mean...Divinity gets on the bus shouting about vampires and whatnot...but then when they're talking about school, they're talking about a teacher who's complaining about migrant workers (bad move, teacher dude, and also just douchey), which is more of an ordinary thing...but then Drake gives the driver two bus passes, even though Divinity already showed him her pass, and the driver said nothing about it, which means the driver accepted a bus pass for a rabbit, which would suggest he knows it's not just an ordinary rabbit, but......

So I'm confused as to whether magical beings and powerful folk and so forth are well-known in this world or if they're supposed to be secret. Basically, if they're supposed to be secret then probably the kids shouldn't be talking about this when they get on the bus, or at least they should be talking about it in lower voices, and perhaps then the chapter should start off in one of their viewpoints rather than with the bus driver hearing them shout about things (which was a tad confusing in itself).

But I would like to point out this line, because it was brilliant and it made me giggle:

“And don’t think you can get away with this either, Willow. You may have an adorable exterior, but your soul is as black as the lie.”

Twitching her whiskers, Willow sniffles. “I didn’t lie, and my soul is bluish green.”


I actually think that last line would be even more brilliant if you delete the part where they ask how she knows what color her soul is, but whatever floats your boat. I just really loved that line.

BlueAfrica




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Sat Aug 22, 2015 2:26 am
EnderFlash wrote a review...



I like Divinity the most right now; she has the most pronounced personality :P When you read so much manga and play so many games, you just get used to having those over-the-top people and expect everyone to have one crazy trait xD If they're not crazy, they're the straight man or the butt of jokes.

SHINPACHIIIIIIIIIIII

Your writing is as lovely as ever. Hunting for nitpicks isn't really my thing unless I'm desperate, so that's out.

Nothing's really happening, though. The chapters flow well, but none of them have contained anything particularily interesting so far. I hope something big happens soon. Slow pacing's fine, but if this was an actual novel, reader might drop it after a while. Yeah, that was my only problem. Good job otherwise!




Ventomology says...


Oh, don't worry. The next two chapters contain some interesting developments. :)

Thanks for reviewing!




Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
— Abraham Lincoln