Hello and happy review day! I know I reviewed this story a long time ago and I'm a little fuzzy on the plot, but I love me a love story so I'll look at this as a part of a greater whole.
My first thought after reading this chapter is that I want it to be longer. You're trying to capture a really strong emotion here and I love the bittersweet longing/sadness stuff but I want more of it. Right now I don't feel like I'm in this characters head feeling lovesick with him. Overall, I think you could add more description especially of this thoughts and feelings. Think about how his body feels, thinking about how this feeling changes how he goes about his day (is he easily distracted, hard to concentrate, walking slowly, tired, etc.) You start to go there, but I want more.
I also want a little more oomph in the chapter. Not a whole lot happens other than him waking up, going home, and finding out she's not there. Don't get me wrong, that's a big moment but I don't feel the sadness and heartache I'm expecting to feel. I think there needs to be more lead-up, more seeing him go through is day, more anxiety, maybe showing him trying to reach her and getting nothing, more reminders of why he loves her and what he fears will happen if he doesn't have her, and then bam she's gone.
I'd be interested to see how he's going to handle this blow! This is obviously a big moment and a big turning point in the story. I think what you have so far is on the right track and it's a good start because it's an honest portrayal of how someone might feel in this situation, but I just want more of it
I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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