Chapter 9
"You still haven't told me where we are going" I whispered to Sami who was sitting next to me on the bus.
"You're patience level is like two percent you know? I told you it's a surprise." She whispered back. I never liked surprises, not that I usually had them but with her everything's different like it's the end of the line but I just keep on moving. Suddenly, the streets started getting familiar, like fragments of childhood memory. The streets lights, the shops, even some of the people. I felt awfully close to something that I never wanted to be close to again. I knew where we were headed and Sami understood that I had got it.
"Just trust me." she said as she squeezed my arms. We got off the bus and slowly walked towards the old building. I stopped.
"Dani, please." she said. Her pleading eyes made my feet move. I read the sing on front od the big red building. 'St.Phillips Orphanage.'
"Sami I can't I stopped on the last steps." I had this feeling that I was going to be left alone again. Right there. I felt ashamed to cry but I couldn't help it as my tears rolled down my cheeks. I was alone. She came close to me and interlocked her finger with mine and raised my head. Her eyes, I could see pain in them, for me?.
"I'm with you and I'm not gonna leave you alone. Okay?" and she smiled. I nodded.
The hall was just like I had remembered. There were kids who were just five or six and teenagers too, all looked at us with some kind of hope. A woman who was most probably in her early thirties walked over to us.
"She's been so excited, so this is Danish?" the woman asked. Sami nodded smiling at her. "I'll get Christie."
"Who's Christie?" I asked Sami after the woman left.
"You'll see." she said. Out of nowhere a girl about ten came running upto Sami. "You're late." she said in her tiny voice. Sami bent down to her level and took a teddy out of her bag. "I'm sorry, will you forgive me?" her little head nodded 'yes' and her little blue eyes shifted to me and stared in confusion.
"This is my friend I've been talking about, remember." Sami pulled me closer to her. "Dani"
The girl's little lips pulled up into a smile. Somewhere deep in there, for a second, I thought I saw myself.
"Dani, this is my little friend Christie, say 'Hi'."
"Hi Christie" without even knowing I smiled at the girl in front of me. She was a girl I had never met before but I felt a connection to her, like I was her many years before and it was true.
We both watched Christie play with some friends she made in the park while we sat on the bench.
"You shouldn't do this." I said.
"Do what?" Sami looked at me.
"Get the kid's hope up. What will happen when you finish your studies and go back to India?"I looked into her eyes.
"Look at her Dani. Does she look like she care about her future? She care about what she has now and she finds happiness in that. Sometimes I wish I could be a kid too, not care about what the future holds and live in the now. Don't you?"
"That was not my question"
"I will leave or maybe I won't. Maybe I won't even finish my studies. Maybe everything will just end right now."
"What do you mean?"
"Like I said Dani, life is a short journey, a journey who's end we don't know yet. Maybe it close and maybe not."
"Why are we talking about death?"
"Who told you I was talking about death? I was talking about life. Death is an escape from life but the real end is you'll be dying when you are still alive."
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello hello! Happy review day!
I remembered this story from my reviewing spree last month, so here I am again!
I think this chapter could use a bit more oomph. I think you have a great start here with visiting of the orphanage and introducing this new character, but I want more emotional intensity.
I feel like Dani has to be connected to this Christie girl in some way. I'm guessing long lost siblings? Overall, I thought this was an interesting chapter and I enjoyed the conversation at the end about life/death. It reminded me of something Dumbledore might say
Emotional intensity can be a really tough thing to do. I know that's something I'm constantly trying to do better in my own work! I love stories in first person because we as readers have the opportunity to really get in the MC's head and know a lot about them, so I really want to get in the MC's head.
So here:
Is a good example of an internal monologue. I think this is good, but you could expand this a bit more too to help the reader really feel what Dani is experiencing. Use her senses. Show me what she sees, feels, hears, smells, etc. that are making her remember a place she used to know. Describe the feeling in her gut when she realizes that it's a place she's been but that she never wants to return to. I want to feel her torrent of emotions as she experiences them.
So here, maybe you could say something like: "Suddenly the streets started getting familiar, like fragments of a childhood memory. The pale orange glow of the blue painted street lights, spaced evenly apart on our walkway. Description of the shops she sees and why they're familiar, maybe she's been to some of them before. Description of some of the people she sees and where she's seen them before." Etc.
See how that creates a richer reading experience for the reader? We get to experience the world exactly how she is experiencing it right alongside her.
I want to know everything going through her mind, I want to feel what she is feeling, and I want to experience her world and and what is happening right beside her.
This is usually really hard to do in a first draft and I think you're doing a really nice job getting the story out and showing what's happening. I think whenever you go back to revise and do the next draft, this is something you can think about adding in - some of those more personal touches to make Dani really come alive on the page and make the experience really shine for the reader.
All in all though, I'm still very intrigued by this story and I hope to find more of it in the green room soon! I'm curious to see more of who this Christie girl is and why she's important to the story
Actually it not 'her' it 'him'.
Just curious about this line -
Is Sami saying something about when you're living a life that's suffocating you? A life that makes you unhappy or feels like it has no meaning or something like that?
Because I think it's just worded somewhat confusingly if that's what she means. Because death ultimately is "the end" (except for whatever afterlife you may believe in), but if you're talking about things that are worse than death, then I think living a life that makes you miserable definitely counts.
Also, question about this.
On the one hand, I seem to remember from my earlier readings that Dani definitely has romantic feelings for Sami. On the other hand, this "ugh, I'm stuck in the friend zone" mentality reeeeeeeeeeeally bugs me. I do understand - and I've been in the position before - being in love with your best friend and wishing things would move toward a romantic relationship. However, it gets annoying and sit-com-like to keep whining about it, particularly in this way that makes it sound like friendship isn't even that important if you don't also have the romantic aspect.
But I think what got me about it here is that it seemed really out of place with what was going on. Like we move from "I never liked surprises, but things are different with Sami" to the surprise being kind of bad at first after all (showing up at Dani's old orphanage) to it being kind of okay (Dani meeting an orphaned girl who's happy at the moment and reminds him of his younger self). But in the middle of all that is this "ugh, we've been friends for so long and yet I'm STILL in the friend zone." Like, bro, where did that come from? Not really what you were thinking about just now. Not really relevant just now.
Plus, since I seem to recall his feelings from other chapters, it's kind of silly to keep reminding us that he has them but that they're not going anywhere just now.
But I'm totally on his side when we get to this part.
Because it's fine and well to say that Christie is living in the present and isn't worried about losing Sami in the future, but...what happens when Sami actually does leave? Is she at least going to be Christie's pen pal? Has she talked to Christie about this at all? Does she even care about this?
1.yes shes's talking about something like that.
2. Yeah it was kind of weird, I thought so too.
3.u'll see.
Psssst. Remind me to review this in a day or two.
k.
This my friend is really deep! Love it. You have improved. I did not find any nitpicks so this won't be too useful.
Nyway great job, u have improved!
~DD
hey! it's nice to hear that. u know I kinda had this district level poem writing thing and u know can u pray like me to get something.
Ha sure! I'll win
or so I hope