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Creatures Of The Night - Chapter 2-Seek

by AllisonArgent


                                          Chapter 2 - Seek

             'Devils Creek High' that was the name of the school Alex was gonna spend the rest of her high school in. It was not as creepy as it sounded, actually it seemed quite nice. 

             "Sure you are gonna be alright?"

Alex looked at her mom, "I'll be fine mom." She watched as her mom opened the door of the car."Mom.." Alessia turned to face her daughter. She knew what was coming, Alex could never stay mad at her. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all those..things." She touched her hand to Alex's cheek, she was her baby girl, no matter how old she got she still would be. "I should be the one apologizing. It was wrong. Go..find some new friends, be happy." with that she turned, got in the car and drove away doubting herself, thinking if she had done the right thing.

                                                                ***

 Even though the school was not as big as the one in New York it was good. It had this vintage feel that Alex loved. There were kids in the hallway, all she had to do was find some to ask the way to the main office.

          "Hey..wait" A blonde kid walked by without even looking at her. "wow..okay" 

"Need any help?" Alex turned to look at the girl behind her. She was a brunette with short cut hair, a nose ring, smoked eyes, wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt and the kind of people Alex parents preferred for her to stay away from.

                "Yeah..umm, could you tell me where the main office is?" Alex was waiting for the reply but the girl kept staring at her as if she was something planet mars and then she spoke. 

 "The new kid huh? okay c'mon follow me." She turned and started walking in a direction that possibly led to the main office.

                           "'The new kid'? why would you call me that?" Alex was struggling to keep up with five inch heels. 

                "It's not everyday that we have a new kid and by the way people already kinda know you" and she kept walking, taking turns left and right through the hallway.

          "People know me? what do you mean?" Things seemed a little confusing a moment, because she just moved in a day ago and suddenly she was famous.

                     "Well..you are the daughter of the forensic surgeon that came in because of the recent emerge of the serial killer right?" She stopped and turned to face Alex.

        "Serial killer?, I thought it was a normal case or something." Maybe her dad might've left some details out of why they had to literally move here because of some case but she never thought it would include serial killers and someway it seemed to make her sick and feel excited at the same time. 

      "Anyway, that green door's the main office, good luck" With that the girl walked away.

                                                                          ***

    The first few periods were blur filled with equations and theorems and problems. In every class, she introduced herself and most kids smiled at her but some looked at her as if she was some kind of alien from another planet, it was true, Devils high didn't have new kids everyday.

            For a small town the school was not so bad, her dad told her that it was an old church or something that was later renewed into a school. The cafeteria was large and filled with students, Alex stared looking for a place to sit when she saw two kids waving at her from the middle of the hall.She turned to make sure there was no one behind her, then one of them, a blonde got up and started walking towards her. The guy was only a bit taller than her and really needed a haircut. He wore a t-shirt that said 'Aliens exist, you're looking at him' . He had glasses on and only when he got closer that she noticed, they were only the frames.

                         "Hey you're Alexandra right.?" He smiled at her. He had a huge and sweet smile so she smiled back. "yeah, but just call me Alex"

       He extended his hand as if to shake her but then noticed the tray in her hand "Oh sorry..I'm clumsy that way, I'm Eric. Would you like to come and sit with us?"

      She looked at the table he was referring to, there were two other people there. One was a short brunette girl and the other a red headed boy that almost looked like Ed sheeren. They both smiled and waved at her as she looked at them."Sure, why not?" she shrugged, maybe she could make some friends.

              "Hi, I'm Stacey. We have A.P. biology together." The brunette said as Alex sat down next to her. "That.." she pointed at the red headed boy " is Eddie, his real name is actually Eddie and we don't just call him that because he looks like Ed sheeren and also he stutters so that's why I introduced him for you and I should probably stop talking." 

                              "Ye..ye..yeah you better" Eddie seemed like the sort of guy who was your best friend from when you were born. The chubby and cute friend. 

                    "You really look kinda like Ed sheeren." Alex was the worst with strangers and she had no idea how to start a conversation. She looked around for someone to just put something in so the conversation could go on when she noticed that the girl who showed her the way to office was smiling at her from across the hall.

            "Do you know Jillian?" Alex turned to see Eric staring at her.

"No, I just met her this morning, she showed me the way to the office this morning. Who is she anyway, she's kinda creepy." She looked back and Jillian was not where she was, she was gone.

           "Well she was here since last year. No one really knows where she really is from. She's an orphan and lives with some guardian." Stacey said "Anyway we are going to the movies tonight, you coming?"

         "I'll think about it." Alex said. "You know we got a lot of unpacking to do."

"Pl..pl..please?" Eddie tried to make the puppy eyes.

        "Okay, I guess." Alex smiled. Maybe she really could like it here.

                                                                  ***

   Alex was waiting for her mom to pick her up and her mom just texted her that she'll be a little late. She signed and sat on the steps a shadow fell on her and she turned to see who it was."Who are you waiting for?" It was Jillian with a back pack hung over her shoulder. "Just my mom" Alex replied.

"Better tell her to hurry up, town's not as pretty as it seems." With that she walked to what seemed to be her car and drove away. A few minutes later Alex's mom came by and she went home but only with a strange feeling in her. 

               That night she stared out the window into the dark woods covered by fog. She wondered what all creatures could be in there, wolves, cougars, coyotes or even serial killers.


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Sun Apr 29, 2018 5:32 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hello AllisonArgent! Happy Review Day :)

I haven't read any of the last chapters, I apologise if I'm missing anything because of it!


'Devils Creek High' that was the name of the school Alex was gonna spend the rest of her high school in.


I don't think you need the apostrophes here, the sentence should be split up and I think Devils should have an apostrophe (Devil's or Devils', since it sounds like the name is implying the creek is related to Devils. Does that make sense?)

My suggestion would be: 'Devil's Creek High. That was the name of the school Alex was going to spend the rest of her high school career in.' or 'Devil's Creek High was the name of the school Alex was going to spend the rest of her high school career in.' but it's entirely up to you how you want to word it!


Alex looked at her mom, "I'll be fine mom."


The comma should be a period, since you don't have a dialogue tag before Alex talking.


Go..find some new friends, be happy." with that she turned,


Ellipses should always be three periods! There seems to be a few instances later on that you use only two as well. Also, 'with' should be capitalised. Since you don't have a dialogue tag (in which case, the period would be a comma), and it isn't a break in the sentence (again, it would warrant a comma), the first word following the end of Alessia's dialogue should be capitalised.


It had this vintage feel that Alex loved.


What kind of vintage feel? What in the school makes it feel vintage? Try to add in some description of the school! What does it look like? Does anything stand out to Alex?


wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt and the kind of people Alex parents preferred for her to stay away from.


She was...wearing the type of people Alex's parents preferred her to stay away from?

You might want to split up this sentence to clarify that you're referring to two different things here. 'wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt. She looked like the kind of person that Alex's parents preferred her to stay away from.'


but the girl kept staring at her as if she was something planet mars


Do you mean the girl was looking at her like she was from Mars?


looked at her as if she was some kind of alien from another planet, it was true, Devils high didn't have new kids everyday.


Well that would cause some severe overpopulation problems if any school had new kids every day.

(I'm so sorry please ignore my sarcasm)

I believe these sentences should be split up, such as 'looked at her as if she was some kind of alien from another planet. It was true, Devil's [Creek] High didn't often have new faces.'


He wore a t-shirt that said 'Aliens exist, you're looking at him'.


I already love this character :D


"Hey you're Alexandra right.? He smiled at her. He had a huge and sweet smile so she smiled back. "yeah, but just call me Alex"


There shouldn't be a period before that question mark. Aside from a few other grammar mistakes in this bit, the lines should be separated. Every time a new character talks/has dialogue, it should be spaced out onto a new line. This way, especially if there are no dialogue tags attached, it makes it clear who is speaking!


Ye..ye..yeah you better"


Now I don't usually like to comment on dialogue, but there's a few things I want to mention here. First, as I said earlier, the ellipses are missing a period. Secondly, and this is my own preference/opinion, stuttering doesn't usually sound like that! When someone stutters, instead of repeating the same letter several times (which I find is better suited for if a character is cold!), usually people repeat words over, or return to the beginning of their sentence. This one if a little harder, since it's so short. I'm also not really sure what Eddie is actually saying here? Who's better? Why? What for? It might just be me though!


Who is she anyway, she's kinda creepy"


Since Alex is asking who Jillian is, there should be a question mark at the end of anyway, but aside from that, why does she think Jillian is creepy? I got no shady vibes from her when she was in the scene earlier. Unless this is more of a case of unreliable narrator, and Alex is just judging her appearance.


-So I would recommend one of two things. A) find an online editing program (like grammarly) to catch grammar mistakes, because you have quite a few (I stopped pointing many of them out, otherwise this would have been much longer, and you don't need to be hounded on by little errors like that!) and it starts to take away from your writing (which is otherwise fine!). I use editing programs for my stuff, because I'm terrible with grammar and that sort of thing, and it helps to have the correction!
B) I would read your work out loud! This helps to catch awkward sentences, and often helps when trying to restructure your work! I find this incredibly helpful as well :)

-The other thing I already mentioned it laying out your settings. I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately, but I would try to add in descriptions of what's around your characters. There's also a feel instances that you tell instead of show? ("but she never thought it would include serial killers and someway it seemed to make her sick and feel excited at the same time." for example. You tell us that Alex is feeling sick and excited, instead of showing us her reaction).


That's all I've got for you today! I like your concept for this story! I hope I could be of help to you and your work! Keep up the good work :D

I hope you have a lovely day!




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Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:44 am
Nobunaga wrote a review...



Hello again!

I noticed that you switched pov's there in the beginning, and it was a bit jarring at first. Don't worry, I do that a lot in my writing. It can be really hard to control, especially if you're trying to capture the thoughts and feelings of multiple characters. I'm not saying that you should restrict your pov to Alex completely, but it would help if the change in pov was made more obvious, so that it's not confusing when we're suddenly in the mom's perspective. I don't really now how to do this, as this is still something I'm struggling with in my own writing, but I do believe that simply starting a new paragraph whenever you switch would help a lot.

"'The new kid'? why would you call me that?"


I found this a bit weird. I mean, it seems pretty obvious why she would be called that... she's the new kid... I understand that you wrote this in order to highlight that the school doesn't really get any "new kids", but I feel like you could have just brought that up in conversation.

Also, always start new sentences with a capital letter! I noticed this a lot in your work, as well as some extra spaces in front of periods, missing periods, etc. It can be easily fixed by a self-edit though.

I mentioned in my last review that your writing is very straight-forward, and while that in itself isn't really a bad thing, it's starting to read a lot like you're just telling us things instead of showing us. I know you've probably heard that term around a lot, and it can be confusing about what it really means. So here's a link that can explain it way better than I can!

Basically, try and give more attention to the five senses. Adding in sensory elements can really give your writing that extra kick and help your reader become more immersed in your world. I found that I'm still not so attached to Alex or this town that she's in.

Aside from that, your plot is still intriguing to me. I've always loved the supernatural type YA as well as stories about serial killers and other dark themes like that. I'm not trusting this Jillian girl at all. Could she be the one who was watching Alex from the bushes? Is she the killer?? These are all very intriguing questions lol I'm excited to see how this turns out.






hey, thnx.




Anne felt that life was really not worth living without puffed sleeves.
— L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables