Hello AllisonArgent! Happy Review Day
I haven't read any of the last chapters, I apologise if I'm missing anything because of it!
'Devils Creek High' that was the name of the school Alex was gonna spend the rest of her high school in.
I don't think you need the apostrophes here, the sentence should be split up and I think Devils should have an apostrophe (Devil's or Devils', since it sounds like the name is implying the creek is related to Devils. Does that make sense?)
My suggestion would be: 'Devil's Creek High. That was the name of the school Alex was going to spend the rest of her high school career in.' or 'Devil's Creek High was the name of the school Alex was going to spend the rest of her high school career in.' but it's entirely up to you how you want to word it!
Alex looked at her mom, "I'll be fine mom."
The comma should be a period, since you don't have a dialogue tag before Alex talking.
Go..find some new friends, be happy." with that she turned,
Ellipses should always be three periods! There seems to be a few instances later on that you use only two as well. Also, 'with' should be capitalised. Since you don't have a dialogue tag (in which case, the period would be a comma), and it isn't a break in the sentence (again, it would warrant a comma), the first word following the end of Alessia's dialogue should be capitalised.
It had this vintage feel that Alex loved.
What kind of vintage feel? What in the school makes it feel vintage? Try to add in some description of the school! What does it look like? Does anything stand out to Alex?
wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt and the kind of people Alex parents preferred for her to stay away from.
She was...wearing the type of people Alex's parents preferred her to stay away from?
You might want to split up this sentence to clarify that you're referring to two different things here. 'wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt. She looked like the kind of person that Alex's parents preferred her to stay away from.'
but the girl kept staring at her as if she was something planet mars
Do you mean the girl was looking at her like she was from Mars?
looked at her as if she was some kind of alien from another planet, it was true, Devils high didn't have new kids everyday.
Well that would cause some severe overpopulation problems if any school had new kids every day.
(I'm so sorry please ignore my sarcasm)
I believe these sentences should be split up, such as 'looked at her as if she was some kind of alien from another planet. It was true, Devil's [Creek] High didn't often have new faces.'
He wore a t-shirt that said 'Aliens exist, you're looking at him'.
I already love this character
"Hey you're Alexandra right.? He smiled at her. He had a huge and sweet smile so she smiled back. "yeah, but just call me Alex"
There shouldn't be a period before that question mark. Aside from a few other grammar mistakes in this bit, the lines should be separated. Every time a new character talks/has dialogue, it should be spaced out onto a new line. This way, especially if there are no dialogue tags attached, it makes it clear who is speaking!
Ye..ye..yeah you better"
Now I don't usually like to comment on dialogue, but there's a few things I want to mention here. First, as I said earlier, the ellipses are missing a period. Secondly, and this is my own preference/opinion, stuttering doesn't usually sound like that! When someone stutters, instead of repeating the same letter several times (which I find is better suited for if a character is cold!), usually people repeat words over, or return to the beginning of their sentence. This one if a little harder, since it's so short. I'm also not really sure what Eddie is actually saying here? Who's better? Why? What for? It might just be me though!
Who is she anyway, she's kinda creepy"
Since Alex is asking who Jillian is, there should be a question mark at the end of anyway, but aside from that, why does she think Jillian is creepy? I got no shady vibes from her when she was in the scene earlier. Unless this is more of a case of unreliable narrator, and Alex is just judging her appearance.
-So I would recommend one of two things. A) find an online editing program (like grammarly) to catch grammar mistakes, because you have quite a few (I stopped pointing many of them out, otherwise this would have been much longer, and you don't need to be hounded on by little errors like that!) and it starts to take away from your writing (which is otherwise fine!). I use editing programs for my stuff, because I'm terrible with grammar and that sort of thing, and it helps to have the correction!
B) I would read your work out loud! This helps to catch awkward sentences, and often helps when trying to restructure your work! I find this incredibly helpful as well
-The other thing I already mentioned it laying out your settings. I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately, but I would try to add in descriptions of what's around your characters. There's also a feel instances that you tell instead of show? ("but she never thought it would include serial killers and someway it seemed to make her sick and feel excited at the same time." for example. You tell us that Alex is feeling sick and excited, instead of showing us her reaction).
That's all I've got for you today! I like your concept for this story! I hope I could be of help to you and your work! Keep up the good work
I hope you have a lovely day!
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