Chapter 4
Two weeks have passed like Lockwood said. She's not back yet. She's like a scar that will never fade away and whenever you look at it you feel like you have made a mistake, like if you could just travel back in time so that you could just erase it but you know you can't.
Two or three shots, they used to drown all my problems and take me to another place where there are no worries but now I feel they just dissapear in me. It just drowns in my pain and there's nothing that can be done to it. I needed a change of air, a refresh of memories. Sometimes my past helps me.
I sat on the bench facing the ocean and took in a deep breath of the New York air. The setting sun filled the sky with orange shades. It brings each and every person's face with a kind of joy that I've always failed to explain.I stared at the sun but it didn't fill me with joy but brought tears to my eyes. They burned, I never liked to cry. I blinked away my tears as my vision blurred. I remembered my mother's voice, the story she told me, about The dying Sun.
"Mom, why does the sun turn red when it sets" Wrapped up in my mother's arm I stared at the sun. I could see dad smiling and waving at us as he approached.
"It's a story, a long one. Do you want to hear it ?" With great enthusiasm I nodded my head.
"Well...The sun and the Ocean, they were lovers.They loved each other soo much that if one died the other would too.Then one day a dreadful thing happened, the sun got sick. Sun knew that Sun was going to die and didn't tell the Ocean. The other day the sun died and fell into the ocean. The Ocean couldn't take the pain and bled to death"
I was staring off into the distant when she finished.
"So the sun's not the one turning red?" I asked my mom.
"no"Her voice was as tiny as a whisper.
I din't understand why the ocean died till now. I was staring off into the distance for my Ocean for I was the Sun and I'm dying without her near me. But, does she love me the way I love her? Will she ever? Will she even come back? Love is a strange thing, so strange that it's both sweet and bitter.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,882 Reviews
I found a couple things wrong with this story. " Two or three shots used to help me but now they not." You should have don't instead of not so it would be: " Two or three shots used to help me but now they don't."
", the sun got sick.Sun knew that Sun... "
There should be a space between sick. and sun.
It should be: ", the sun got sick. Sun knew that Sun..."
"and sun didn't tell the Ocean."
that should be
" and, The Sun didn't tell the Ocean."
it was good just fix those mistakes.
thank u soo much. I've edited it.
thank u soo much. I've edited it.
hello sunshine!
okay so this seems like an important part of your story as it finally reveals the meaning of the name of your story... THE DYING SUN i would say the name sounds a bit twilight-ish to me (if you know what i mean *wink*) but i certainly did not think it would have such a deep meaning to it.
Two weeks have passed like Lockwood said. She's not back yet. She's like a scar that will never fade away and whenever you look at it you feel like you have made a mistake, like if you could just travel back to the you could just erase it but you know you can't.
I really like this line...i think it is a good way to start n the scar part was really goood. though there are a bit of mistakes in it. the bold part there, i don't know it sounds wrong n that just kills the effect of ur paragraph. you could maybe rephrase it as "...just travel back in time and erase it..."
Two or three shots used to help me but now they not. I decided I should go for a walk.
Not to sound cold, but this line sounds plain... bring more imagination in it. Give your readers examples, make them understand how it feels. You could put in a bit more sensation in these lines, by maybe adding phrases like
"the burning sensation that every vodka shot brings with it, once used to make me feel better. Drowning my every misery at the bottom of bottles once used to feel good, satisfactory even, but now it dosen't feel good anymore. In fact it feels wrong"
when you use the characters, imagine urself at there place n try to write your exact thoughts with a less amount of manipulation, that way your content would sound more real making it more effective.
Also it would be nice if you make it a point to describe the surroundings of your character n how he/she looks, that way it becomes easier to imagine.
It spread each and every person face with a kind of joy that I've always failed to explain.
spread? seriously? how can the sun "spread" joy on every ones face. i mean i would have understood if you said "lit up faces" or even "colored faces" but spread... i'm sorry chap but that simply dosen't makes any sense. plz plz plz re-phrase it ! it just kills the whole sentiment of the para!
Sun knew that Sun was going to die and sun didn't tell the Ocean.
well this one has minor nit picks...
- space after the full stop is lacking.
- no need to repeat "sun" twice, we know u r talking bout it, so use "he" instead of sun.
I din't understand why the ocean died till now. I was staring off into the distance for my Ocean for I was the Sun and I'm dying without her near me.
-eh...the sun died right? the ocean bleed? plz explain that.
overall, it was a good installment... n important one indeed cuz it explains the title of the novel. Though i would like you to use a bit more imagination.
hoping for the best!
ask me if you have any problems ^^
~DD
Hey, thanks for reviewing. I've edited my work. I'm still working on the ocean part. keep reviewing. next chap won't be late.
Hey, thanks for reviewing. I've edited my work. I'm still working on the ocean part. keep reviewing. next chap won't be late.
Hey, thanks for reviewing. I've edited my work. I'm still working on the ocean part. keep reviewing. next chap won't be late.