Young Writers Society

Yo Allison - congrats on being my 95th review!
*throws confetti*

I'm sorry to say I never actually read any of your previous chapters... so I am a bit lost. But. I will do what I can, and hopefully you'll find something helpful in all these ramblings of mine.

One thing I liked about this, and found rather interesting was how both Sami and Dani looked to the other person as if they were the rock in the relationship. In Sami's perspective at the beginning, she says she always knew that she was the weakest, and saddest, and dying; Dani was broken, but not a shattered person like she. Yet in Dani's perspective, we see his heart has been broken twice, shattered, actually. He is a complete mess, and he needs Sami to stabilize him. They both need each other, really, and it's frustrating to me when I read these stories. I'm pulling out my hair, going, "Are you two stupid or something??!! Just get back together!!!" Aargh. Life.

Thoughts & Nitpickiness

Even though I acted tough, happy  around Dani, I always knew that I was the weakest, the saddest and the one dying

Right off, this first sentence gave me pause. Simply saying "even though I acted tough, happy around Dani" sounds awkward. Read it out loud. Replace that comma with an "and" and it will read much better.

I almost lost it sometimes, I almost told him that...that I was in love with him but I knew, I know it's not the right thing to do.

I found two things here unnecessary: the ellipsis and "I know". I think the point still stands strong without that pause, and taking it away would make her feelings more firm. She knows without hesitation that she loves him, so why... the ellipsis?
As for the "I know", I feel like you're just adding extra words. "I knew it was not the right thing to do" sounds mature and sure.

 I always loved the way he looked at me, any girl could understand what a guy felt when he looked at her like that, like I was everything for him, like I was his world and it always scared me, that look.

Wow. We've got ourselves quite a lengthy sentence here. A little too lengthy. You're running it on and on and on. For one thing, I think you should switch up some of your phrases. You're telling us how Sami loves the way Dani looks at her, a sudden interruption of how any girl could understand what a guy felt when he looks at her like that, and back to how Dani looks at Sami. Why not continue the thought of how Dani looks at her? As in: "I always loved the way he looked at me: like I was everything for him, like I was his world. Any girl could understand what a guy felt when he looked at her like that." And last but not least, that ending phrase can be its own statement. "It always scared me, that look." The problem I had with this is it seems to contradict the beginning statement. She says "I always loved the way he looked at me..." and this suddenly transitions to "It always scared me, that look." Do you mean scared as in a delighted kind of way? Because loving something and fearing something are two completely different things.

The secret that I kept it was killing me but I had to and that's why I left because I could not see him get hurt, because of me.

You can go ahead and take that "it" out - it's unnecessary. And that other phrase I highlighted seems to be dangling. I get what you're saying: I had to keep the secret. But you didn't say that. Why not finish it off with "but I had to keep it and that's why I left."
The ending statement can be it's own sentence, and that "because" is unnecessary. It's also making it seem as if it's answering the "that's why I left", when the reason it says she left is because of the secret. It should finish off: "I could not see him get hurt because of me."

With my back against the door I slid to the floor because my legs couldn't carry me anymore, my heart felt heavy and throbbing in my chest.

First off, this should be two sentences. You're dragging on again.
"With my back against the door, I slid to the floor, because my legs couldn't carry me anymore. My heart felt heavy and throbbed in my chest." Notice what I did with the "throbbing" you originally had. "my heart felt heavy and throbbing in my chest" just does not sound right. Probably because "felt" and "throbbing" don't work together. I suggest you change that.

Every breath hurt, I felt suffocated, my eyes blurred out and hot tears ran down my cheeks

I personally think you can break this up into several small sentences. Man, you run-on a lot. ; )
"Every breath hurt. I felt suffocated. My eyes blurred out and hot tears ran down my cheeks." This gives a choppier impression, showing how messed Dani really is.

I bolted from where I was, I didn't know anyone else, she never talked about anyone from college.

Once more: The Run-On Sentence. "I bolted from where I was. I didn't know anyone else - she never talked about anyone from college." But the question following this puzzled me:

'Why don't I? Was I not important to her?'

Why don't I know anyone from the college? Is that what you mean? If it is, I think you could have worded it better. Instead of "why don't I?" try "why didn't she?" That immediately follows the statement "she never talked about anyone from college", connecting it all together.

I walked over to my couch, wiping away my tears, I unfolded her letter and I collapsed .

He collapsed?!! You didn't even say he read the letter! He just unfolded it and collapsed. Oh my goodness. Now this could be shortened into one sentence ("I walked over to my couch, wiping away my tears, unfolded her letter and collapsed.) but that "collapsed" is bothering me.

The letter had a lot of errors, therefore I will enspoiler my corrections and such:

I  held the letter close to my heart

And now he's back. When did he awaken from this collapse?

I had to see her, I had to because now I know that she loved me too.

Well, I don't want to be rude and say "obviously" but she did end her letter with "I LOVE YOU." Why does he now realize that?


Final Thoughts & Questions
This chapter basically revolves around the emotions of these lovers. I have no idea what happened previously so I feel almost as lost as Dani. Why did she leave? Where did she go?
But a few things are bothering me. For example, how did Dani get the letter? Did Sami give it to him? Slip it under his door? How'd he know she took off? Ack. You probably mentioned that in another chapter. But when we get to Dani's perspective, he's flipping out and why? What happened that made him lose it? Well, yes, Sami left but how did he find out?

And besides the mention of rain at the end, I know nothing about what season it is, what these people look like, what their personalities are, etc. Little details are important to me. Therefore, I loved the mention of Dani's dark grey eyes and dark hair. Again: I did just jump in at chapter 11 so you're free to yell at me for being clueless. Haha.

I didn't go over every grammatical error I saw, but what I went over can apply to everything else. Try not to run your sentences together, and only use the ellipsis when necessary. Oh, I noticed you didn't put a space after some commas and periods, as well. Minor stuff, but working at it will make your works look so much more cleaner and easier to read.

Aaaand... I do believe that concludes my thoughts for you today, ma'am! I hope you have a fantastic day, and keep up the writing!
cheers!
-rosette

Hello AllisonArgent! Inky here, swinging by for a review!

I haven't read the other chapters, so I can't say much about the storyline unfortunately.

So let me start off by saying that you have a very lovely story here about two people and their connection and how much they love each other!

At the start I was kinda confused. It sounds like Sami does not know that Dani's feelings are reciprocated, but then she 'always loved the way he looked at her, any girl could understand what a guy felt when he looked at her like that, like I was everything for him, like I was his world...' which sounds a lot like she knows how he feels about her. Unless I've just misinterpreted, and she thinks he shouldn't be with her whether he loves her or not?

This kinda ties in with the last one and kinda doesn't. A common pitfall in romance stories is when the couple has a fall out/there is a misunderstanding/etc and it leads to a huge boulder in the path of their romance, but the problem could easily be solved by communication. Now, like I said, I have not read the other chapters so I, personally, do not know why Sami is leaving Dani. It's something worth noting for reference (it's not something that will be detrimental, but it is very common and can be occasionally frustrating for the readers/viewer/etc. I myself am guilty of this)


Here is just some little mistakes/nitpicks I found that can be easily fixed:

Even though I acted tough, happy and live around Dani, I always knew that I was the weakest, the saddest and the one dying.

Live sounds kinda strange in this sentence. I'd shorten it to 'I acted tough and happy around Dani' or change the word live because it doesn't really fit into the sentence. I understand what you were trying to do with the sort of mirroring ('tough' 'happy' 'live' vs. 'weakest' 'saddest' 'dying'). Another way to make it flow better is to change 'weakest' 'saddest' 'and the one dying' to maybe 'I always knew I was the one who was weak and unhappy' (if you still want to have that mirror).

The way his dark grey eyes would light up when he smiled, it was one of the most beautiful things.

I would change the comma to a period. You have a lot of long sentences where the only breaks are commas (I do this as well), and this one just really stood out to me.

Sometimes his dark wavy hair would fall off and how he would run his fingers through them, at times like that I almost wanted to hold him to close and tell him how much I loved him, how much much I wanted to be with him but...I knew I could never, I should never.

(Here's an example of a really long bit with no breaks (except commas) )

The part I've highlighted doesn't sound right to me. First of all, 'his dark wavy hair would fall off' ??? His hair falls off? Does he wear a wig? I don't think that's what you meant to write it as...and I'm not sure what you WERE trying to write it as.
Then the 'and how he would run his fingers through them' are we still talking about his hair? Hair is not usually referred to as 'them' so I'm not sure who/what you're talking about.
I think revising this sentence, you could do something like breaking 'sometimes his dark wavy hair would fall off' and 'how he would run his fingers through [it]' and do something more like 'He would run his fingers through his hair' or 'I loved the way he would run his fingers through his hair'.

And one last thing in this quote (I promise) is 'at times like that...' I think should also be broken off from the last sentence, and then reword it it to 'Is was at times like that...' and continue from there.


The only other thing I noticed was you have a lot of spacing issues. Such as:

I won't be coming back.It's the truth,I won't but that doesn't meant that everything we had was a lie.I don't know what we had.

and

Then why?why would she leave me?what could possibly more important?

There are several other spots, these are just examples of what I'm referring to. They are all easy fixes, but it becomes a little distracting to read. But like I said, a very easy fix


Overall, you have a really lovely, but sad story about two people who love each other and can't (immediately) be together. You have a lot of very simple mistakes that all writers are victims to (I used to writes hands as heads...it was funny to edit though).

I hope I haven't offended you! All of these are just suggestions and not meant personally or as an attack on your writing. I apologise if I made it seem like this at any point in my review.

Keep up the good work and have a wonderful day!!

-inky