Young Writers Society

Hello AllisonAgent,
Myjaspercat here to review some work for you...

Ok, so to begin with I want to tell you that you have a pretty good idea for a poem. You seem to know what you want to do with this and I applaud you for that. Anyway, you do need some work...

Don't know why you'd let go of me,
I'm sitting in this hell crying my heart out. The transition form the first line into this line doesnt really flow correctly. It sounds very odd and it doesn't seem to fit. Try to work on your wording a bit.
Oh no no the tears are flowing,down my cheeks,
calming this hell and flowing lava. don't repeat the word hell, since you have already used it once in this stanza it makes your lines sound clumpy. Second I really don't get the whole lava referemce, maybe you could explain it a little bit.

I feel the burn right in my heart, what burn are you talking about?
I try to wash it out but no,no no.
Tears are the only thing that will calm the burn , again, what burn are you talking about, also you have an extra space between the last word and the comma.
Calm my little heart soon you'll be with her. I like this sentence, I really do but I don't think that it works. The main reason for this is because the progression of your story (even though it is a poem it still tells a story) seems to go by so fast and there isn't that muh development in it.

Still why you'd do that?
I don't know, all I know soon Ill be there,
so calm my little heart,calm. the ending of this could be a ton better, I honestly don't see how it ties in with the rest of the poem.

The theme is good but I'd like to tell you that the poem is quite.......ambiguous. I mean, if I hadn;t read the description I wouldn't be able to get what it is about. And that's the point, isn't it? Also, your grammar is a little shaky. But you have potential. Keep it up!

Hey Kat here to write a review for you ~

Aw this was really sad . But , I wouldn't have understood this had I not read the description .

Some nit-picks :

I don't understand the last line of the first stanza with the flowing lava ? You don't need to say hell again , you could try using a different word or just sticking with the depiction .

In the last stanza your grammar fell apart .

Still why you did that ? < is not a complete sentence nor does it sound right , try to make sure your words add rather than detach from your poetry .

The next line needs a comma after I don't know and I'll needs an apostrophe and there should be and is before soon and maybe a comma after soon .

Other than that , this was really good yet sad . The repetition of calm and no and other words added to the sadness . It was a sort of flat sadness , not like the crazy raving sadness usually depicted when someone is suicidual which , I think , is less realistic than this . My favorite part was the last couple lines despite the minor mistakes . It really shows the reader what was happening and by personifying "your" own heart and calling it little added to the feeling of fragile and unstableness .

~ keep it up
Kat