Sitting there and staring at the far off sun, my nightingale. I'm going to miss her, no, I'm going to miss me.I'll lose myself if I loose her and she knows that.The dying light of the sun and her slowly fading smile makes my heart break down.
I pulled her closer into a tight hug and that's all I could do, nothing is going to save her tomorrow.The doctor said her 'heart' only has one day or maybe few more hours.She said she needed her last moment of freedom her last moment of life and me, I needed her to be with me for some more time for I'm nor ready to let her go.
I looked deep into her eyes trying to find her soul but it was blurred by something more powerful that could hurt me, her tears.They rolled down her cheeks as I wiped them. I touched my forehead to hers and cried, I just let it out and this time she held my face and said " nothing, nothing in this world..."she paused and wiped my tears "will take me away from you."
"let me come with you, let me end it" I said and I meant it.
"No,you stay here and tell the world,tell it that a machine which pumps blood is not important but something more is in there that's gonna stay."
"Then why can't you?"
"I am not going anywhere, I always be with you."
***
Someone woke me up from my sleep. I realized I was at the hospital. It was Dr.Harris.
"Toby,I need you to be strong.."he began.
I stood up and I knew where he was getting to, I dropped to my knees. I'm not strong enough , I can't take this,I can't.
"Toby look at me,Toby."He shook me but no I am too weak to get up,to hear anyone.
"She is in a better place Toby" her image fades away as the light of the dying sun fades away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Sad but good. I really liked this and I think that it shows a lot of emotion. I feel like this could almost be turned into a poem. There were just a few things I would change:
-Punctuation:
1. Remember that there is always a space after a comma, period, quotation mark, or any type of punctuation. I won't mention every single instance of this because it has already been said in the other reviews, but I encourage you to change it. Punctuation is very important in writing, and if it isn't done correctly, it can turn your readers off and have them stumble over words.
-Indents:
For some reason, the indents confused me. Since they are all at different lengths, I found it really difficult to read. Try to keep it consistent by having the same indent every time.
-Other:
There were other mistakes in the writing that appeared so frequently that it started to take away from the writing. Maybe try to read over it to check for these typos. Also, if you see a word underlined in red, fix it. It's spelled incorrectly or doesn't fit in the context. Another thing was repetition. Try not to use the same word twice in such a short amount of time or it seems like you're repeating yourself.
Other than that, I think you did great. Though the poem was sad, I really liked reading it. Good job!
thnx.
Okay, we have an issue already here.
You have to put spaces between your punctuation and your words! You can't just bunch them all together or it disrupts the flow, plus, it's incorrect in writing.I started reading the first paragraph, and you have absolutely no spacing between your punctuation and your next sentence. For example:
And no, it can't be your personal style (if you even wanted to play that card as an excuse), because it's just wrong. Put spaces between your punctuation and words. For example: "her, no, I'm" It looks better, and it's actually correct in writing. Fix that, please.
I don't think "loose" means what you think it means. "Loose" means: Not firmly or tightly fixed in place. But I think you meant "lose." Try not to get those mixed up, it's one "o."
And in the first paragraph, you used what was supposed to be the word "lose" too much anyway, it was a bit repetitive.
You can't switch from past tense to present tense in the middle of a sentence. It doesn't make sense and confuses the reader to what time you are talking about. Try using past tense for one story, and you can't randomly switch tenses in a story either. Work on that.
"Not" not "nor." It'd be better for you to take a peek at your work before publishing it, meaning that you should check it over for careless mistakes like this one.
Tears are plural, therefore you should use "they." Like this: They rolled down her cheeks as I wiped them.
Whenever you begin some dialogue, you have to give it its own paragraph.
"He began" would sound much better here.
"Look" not "Looked."
This sentence desperately needs some revision. Try like this: He shook me, but I couldn't get up, I was too weak.
And the extra "to hear anyone" isn't needed and doesn't make any sense.
"She is in a better place, Toby" is how this should be revised. You also used "fades away" twice which creates a bit of repetition. Try using different words.
This needs some work, I'll be honest, and I'm not trying to be rude. But reviews are reviews, and I'm trying to be reasonable.
Just, listen to my advice, alright?
✖︎
hey there i edited it try again.
Hi Alison!
.There are a lot of stories about romance, a lot of stories about terminal illness, and a lot of stories about the death of young people. That's because when these things happen in real life, it's sad, strange, and also compelling. And the best stories about these things make you feel all of these emotions and more, and you're left with a lot of things to think about.
So, if you want to write a story about that, all of the better. But how are you going to make it memorable? Make it stand out and give your reader something that they are going take away and remember? These are things worth thinking about. Firstly, while I was reading this, the many grammatical and spelling mistakes took me away from what was happening.
A few main things that I noticed:
loose -> lose
There are many points where you don't have proper spacing with your punctuation. Whenever I have to include a comma, it's like this,not like this. Starting a new sentence happens like this.Not like this
I also don't know why the tabs for each paragraphs are all over the place. Was it a copy/paste issue?
Also, your dialogue:
Is very clunky. Who is talking? I assume it's the doctor. But we don't know that. Then, after your dialogue tag, you would start a sentence. And repeating "fades away" in one sentence is also clunky. There are a lot of similar things happening throughout the piece, so I recommend taking a look at the articles here because I don't want to spend all of this review talking about grammar.
As I said, some of your sentence structure didn't quite work for me. Going back to what I said at the beginning, you need to make this story your own, make it a story only you can tell. And this story is so short and doesn't develop the characters in a way that makes me care about them. All that I'm left with are cliched descriptions, which don't tell me anything about the characters or make me care about them. If you're a fan of Batman, to me the most powerful depiction of young death comes in the Batman: A Death in the Family storyline. You might have heard about it, but it's about the death of Robin.
Watch here. There are more parts to it - which someone added voice acting and sound effects to to make it all the more real, but what I just linked you to is the crux of that story. And while in that story he was murdered, and your has an illness, the point is that it's very effective in making you feel the tragedy of this kid's death. So, when revising this, really consider how you're going to make your characters come alive.
I hope that I've given you things to think about and that you continue working on this. Best of luck!
Elinor
thnx. Elinor i edited it a nit.
Hi,Alison. It's a great short story. The plot is awesome. I really loved the title. But, I felt like, I wanted more of it... I wanted more of their last moments together. I wanted more in the ending,too.
The ending is also good. In few words, this story tells a lot. But I think you should add some more words.
Overall, I have enjoyed. Best of luck.