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Creatures Of The Night - Chapter 1-Invade

by AllisonArgent


                                                           Chapter 1

 To Alex life was her friends, New York city , her school...but everything was changing. There are ups and downs in having two very dedicated doctors as your parents and sometimes worse when one works around dead bodies but she never thought she'll have to move because if it.

          The last year of high school, you've just turned eighteen and the world seems so full of interesting stuff and suddenly your mom breaks out to you that you are moving to some place in the middle of the woods where people talk to each other than text and have no idea what instagram is. 

        "Mom please it's my last year, I can't leave. I'll stay with Julia, I'll call you everyday. Mom please I'm a straight A student and I haven't gotten in any trouble at all, please just let me stay." Anger was boiling inside her but somehow she kept it in.

                     "Alex we have to, I know it's hard for you but we can't just leave you here and your dad can't refuse this offer. Just give this town a chance, who knows maybe you'll like it there, maybe you'll find some new friends."

         A mocking laugh escaped her lips"You don't get it do you? I don't need any new friends and you know what, I HATE YOU" with that she stopped fighting because she knew there was no point in arguing. She loved her family but sometimes it's frustrating.

                                                                        ***

  With the headphones plugged in, she pretended to avoid her parents' try to talk to her. She stared out the window and slowly the city faded away from her view and all around her the dark woods surrounded her and the feeling of leaving everything she ever knew enveloped her heart.  

   She had slipped away into a sleep and when she opened her eyes she saw the sign it read 'Welcome To Devil's Creek' and she knew she was a long way from New York.  The town came into view, she was taken a bit aback, she expected dark and a dire town but it was somehow different. There were people on the streets, there was a small pack where children played there were no malls like in New York but there was shops and small boutiques and the town was definitely more cheerful than she imagined it to be. 'Maybe' she thought 'Maybe she could like it here.' 

          The car entered a small path through the woods to a house. A two storey beautiful house, not like the fancy ones in New York but vintage. The floor boards creaked as Alex stepped on it. It was bigger than the one she lived in New York. The hand rails had a thing layer of dust on them. She climbed upstairs, there was a door right to her left. She opened it and found her self in a well lighted but dusty room. "Wow" she said to herself. Their furniture was already there, covered in white clothes. 

          "It good isn't it?" Alex turned to see her father standing at the door. They had the same blue eyes but unlike him he had dark black hair like her mom and she liked it long, her dad dark brunette hair like her grandma's. He walked into the room. "This is your room, you like it?''

            Alex nodded her head but she kept silent. "Look Ali I know it's hard but.." he sat down on the edge of the bed and patted the place right next to him for her t sit down, Alex sat down and her dad took her hand." But stuff lie this happens in your life, you just have..Okay I admit I'm sorry but.." 

         "Dad.." Her dad had never been that good at any kind of talks and she knew it. "It's okay, I mean it's not that bad actually. I might like it here.  She put her on her dad's shoulder "I love you Dad. "I love you too Ali, you mean everything to us.

                                                                      ***

  Somewhere in the darkness of the woods two red eyes stared at the blue eyed girl and somewhere a dark shadow was waiting for it's chance.

                                                                     


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Sun Apr 15, 2018 3:44 am
Nobunaga wrote a review...



Hello!

Already this is reminding me of Twilight and Beautiful Creatures. Not assuming that this is about vampire or... whatever Beautiful Creatures was about, but because of the move to a small country town. It seems to be a popular trope in supernatural YA. Anyway, I see that you've already begun down that path so I'm excited to see what kind of antagonists you're going to introduce here! I love the "small town with dark secrets" type trope so I'm already excited for your novel.

Your ending line seems to suggest that there are two antagonists - or strange people - and I don't really see that as often! I really can't wait to find out what this red-eyed person is doing. I'm leaning towards demons right now, but I'll just have to wait and see :3

Moving on to the actual review.

I know that this is just the introduction, but I was still hoping to get more of a voice from Alex. Right now she's just the typical angsty teenager, so I hope we get to see more of her personality in the next chapter. I did like how you wrote in that she was "pretending" to ignore her parents, that made me smile a bit. I would like to see more things like that about here.

About your writing, it's very straightforward. Because of that, it can seem like we're flying by things really quickly. The pacing here seems very quick, but I know that you're just setting things up so it's really not that big of a problem. I did like the description of the town as they were just coming in though. I do wish there was a bit more said about the architecture and other world-building stuff, but, again that can come later!

I don't have much to say about this since it was so sort and expository. However, I am very intrigued about where you're going to take this and what mysteries await Alex. I'll be back for Chapter 2!




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Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:59 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



1. What I liked
I pretty much love the importance given to how she felt about this kind of thing. The ending was pure genious
2. Flow & Narration
The overall flow was great however I don't think you added enough narration. It seems distant.
3. Spelling and Grammar
There where some misspelled words I think that could be checked on.
4. Overall and encouragment
It was well done story I enjoyed it. Keep check though on those little spelling errors. Good job!






I was so scared while writing it that I kept changing it again and again and I have no idea how to give it that flow.





Did u read the prologue?



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Sun Apr 01, 2018 6:09 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this introductory chapter concerning a girl who is required to move to another city but finds it very difficult to accept her parents’ decision. I like how the story describes her vehement protests even to the point of saying that she hates her mother. Also, I like how the story suddenly becomes mysterious by suddenly confronting the girl with a vision of a destination that she assumes to be the one her parents are telling her about. I also like the way that the chapter ends on the mysterious note of two red eyes in the woods gazing at her as she hallucinates. It sets the reader up for continuing on to the next chapter.

I especially appreciated the emotions that the protagonist is described as feeling and the seriousness of yanking someone around geographically that way because it happened to me. I was suddenly yanked from Newark NJ to New York City. There went all my friends and a familiar surroundings only to be replaced with what to me looked like a veritable labyrinth of streets and alleys and complete strangers. Not a very pleasant experience at all.

Suggestions

Please proofread the chapter once more in order to eliminate misspelled words.
Also, be careful with run-on sentences. There are too many running into each other and that causes comprehension difficulties since the reader doesn’t know where one starts and the other begins. The following website provides good advice.
https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and- ... d-run-ons/

Once these issues are resolved the chapter will be much better.

Looking forward to read more of your work.






thnk u so much. did u read the prologue?




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