Hello!
Yo phangirl here yet again to give my views over your work.
But first
I must
Say that "dude
was this good?"
Definitely not!
It is so much,
more than that!
Um sorry for that crappy piece of whatever I quoted there :-p
But hey this was gooooood! except for a couple of nitpicks which I'm rudely gonna point out to u *evil laugh* ((((there ain't many so chill))) also I'm gonna give u some tips which u may help making ur piece even more attractive. Now let's proceed shall we?
I felt awful even if I have gotten used to the hangovers.
Yeah so here in this line first I think that instead of have it should be had. {emphasis on think, not sure if it is right or not but have there sounds awkward so...}
"Last night was a blur, always is when I get drunk. A girl's face kept coming up into my mind. A girl with light brown eyes and a smile that could light up this whole New York.'I wonder who she is.She was not American she was too tan to be one , maybe Indian? Images flowed into my mind of that country, of it's people. I have been there when I was young and what happened there was certainly not pretty."
For the the line I Marked red, when u started the (') u need to end it too and u need to put space between Fullerton and she. Um also I gave some suggestions of words to make ur work more attractive (the ones in purple)
"I got up, got a clean shirt from the laundry and went out and knocked on her door."
and went out and knocked on her door read this out aloud. Awkward isn't it? I would suggest you break this into two lines like;
"I got up got a clean shirt from the laundry and went out. I knocked on her door." better?
" About three minutes later I understood that her apartment was locked and she might have gone out."
Understood? Not the right word. Replace it with "realized"
"A faint knock woke me up. I might have fallen asleep."
Can u plz rephrase it? Like put the second line first? That way it will sound better.
"I might have fallen asleep, because a faint knock woke me up"
i got up to open there door. I took a quick look at the clock, it was 4:32 pm. I missed lunch and felt my stomach burning.I opened the door. She was at my door with a box of cupcakes, a few slots missing. She didn't smile as usual.
Seems a bit plain, here it feels like you were in a rush to complete the chapter.
So of you just put some more attractive words and maybe describe everything a bit more, it would sound amazing.
Here I'll give u an example,...
Returning back home I just collapsed on my couch. I might have fallen asleep, because a faint knock woke me up, it was not everyday people came to my house so it was a bit weird. I got up to open there door. A quick glance at the clock told me it's 4:32 pm, that means I missed lunch 'wonderful' I thought 'a visitor with an empty stomach, just my kind of thing'.I could feel my stomach burning with bile as I opened the door. She was at my door with a box of cupcakes, a few slots missing 'wooh now that was something I was not expecting!' . She looked up at me but didn't smile as usual.
"Oh......then why are you angry at me?" I was confused.
Plz do not use more than 3 ellipses(...) it dosent look nice. And plz put space after every fullstop.
Oh well that's it for now I guess. I hope this helped
Update me when the next chains out! I'll be waiting!
~ phangirl
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