The Dying Sun [NOVEL] Chapter 3

Hello! I decided to pull this out of the green room for you because romance novels are my favorite I apologize that I haven't read the previous chapters. I'll be looking at this as a part of a greater whole.

Overall, I think there is a lot of promise to this story. Like I said, I love a good romance, and I love the burn of two people that want to be together but can't (or even one person that wants to be with someone and can't for whatever reason). I think your writing on a whole is good and you're on the right track, but there's always room for improvement

A little grammar note - I noticed that you didn't always put punctuation after dialogue like here:

"Samiya" Lockwood filled in for me.

This is a confusing rule. I actually looked it up myself just to make sure I wouldn't tell you the wrong thing. Here, you would need a comma after "Samiya" but before the quotation mark ("Samiya," Lockwood filled...") There are different rules for different situations and instead of writing them all out here, I'll just [url=http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/]give you the link to this very helpful article[url].

It scared me more than anything but it was something, something I've not felt before. I was awake all night, blinded by images of her smile, her eyes. Her angel like voice rang inside my head and I was not able to stop it. Sometimes it made me smile and sometimes it made me want to roll up into a corner and cry. It is a hell without her near me but some part of me wanted that hell.

I love first person because I love being able to get inside a characters head and seeing how they feel and think. That's crucial for first person. I think you have a great start here with his inner monologue about his feelings towards this girl, but I think you could expand these feelings a bit. Why do his feelings scare him? Exactly what is he feeling? When does it make him smile? When does it make him want to roll up in a corner and cry? Describe that hell of what it's like to not be with her? What does he like and dislike about that hell? Why does he want that hell? What about this girl is worth it to him? Why is he holding onto her? Get deep and get gritty with his feelings. I want to feel his anguish right alongside him.

It's been almost three days since I found her door locked that day. I was getting more and more depressed as the days passed.

I noticed that sometimes you have some word repetition. In these two sentences you say "day/days" three times and it stood out to me. Is there a way to still get the message across without that repetition?

I thought I would forget her but she was digging a bigger hole in my chest each minute. Where was she? Hoe could I have just fallen for some girl when I don't even know her name? I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to ask Lockwood.

I think you can dig a bit deeper with these thoughts as well. Why did he think he would forget her? Does he want to forget her? I like the questions he's asking himself here and I think those are good. You could add to them by having him pose some questions about the girl. Like, is she thinking about me? is she okay? He could even be thinking back on their previous interactions or conversations or whatever wondering if he did something wrong or something like that.
I think you should start a new paragraph when he decides to ask Lockwood, and then I think you need a bit of a transition from there into the dialogue about where this narrator goes to talk to Lockwood. I want a bit more setting here and I want to see the narrator go and approach this other guy.

I was sulking and I had to admit it. She turned like a drug. I know she's not good for me in someway or I'm not good for her but still without her depression and frustration sets in and I realized I can't live without her.

Same here with the expanding the thoughts. Try to think of how you can dig deeper into these thoughts and what he's feeling. You're definitely on the right track here, but as the reader, I want to feel the despair he's feeling right alongside him. I want to know everything going on inside his head and I want to be really clued into his experience and what he's feeling.

The part in italics confused me a bit. I wasn't sure if that was the girl's POV or what exactly was happening there (I'm sure part of the problem is that I don't have much context for who these characters are or how you're structuring your chapters). I just wasn't sure what to make of it and how it fit into the story. The main point of this chapter is that this narrator is suffering and is super sad that this girl is no longer here, and I'm not sure how the italics part fits in with that.

Overall, like I said at the beginning, I think this story has a lot of promise. It has some interesting elements and there is a lot I want to know about this situation and these characters (which is cool because I'm coming in late and have no context). There were some typos that I didn't point out because I'm sure they were just accidents. One tip for catching typos is to put the entire document in a different size and/or font than you typically write with. The whole story will then look different on the page and when you read it you'll catch more things. The big thing that I think would take this to the next level is trying to really get on the character's level and tune in to their emotion and dig deep trying to capture that on the page. It's not the easiest thing in the world to do, but I think it really helps make the characters shine.

I hope you continue to work on this story!! Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!

hey allison! DDemi here to review your awesome novel chapter!

okay so first of.. thank you for informing me about it! i really am happy to see you took the pain off informing about it *gives you candy*

okay so now about review-business... here we go (((i dont have much criticism*shrugs*, but i'll try to give you as much advice as i can)))

first lets begin with the appreciation about the stuff i liked

okay so this chapter was short (((but i ain't complaining about it))) and pretty much straight, though i would love it if you put some stuff out there from [i] samiya's[/s] pov, but ultimately its your choice ...so yeah...

Reading this chapter left me carving to read more, so again you can count it as a pro.

also the flashback part was good.

now abt the critique part.. (((i'm gona rost your work *evil laughter*)))

It scared me more than anything but it was something, something I've not felt before. I was awake all night, blinded by images of her smile, her eyes. Her angel like voice rang inside my head and I was not able to stop it. Sometimes it made me smile and sometimes it made me want to roll up into a corner and cry. It is a hell without her near me than it is a soothing.

the beginig was awesome....you had the correct start, the perfect desiption... i loved it... every thing was in perfect sync untill, well the last line .
that line just ruined it all! i really suggest you do something about it! i couldnt understand it, so plz maybe replace it or just state what u wanted to say clearly..

also the next para... i think you speed the whole thing up... also you did not mention him seeing that her neighbour was not at house, so it feels like you skiped a whole scene...

you should put something like....

i was so overwhelmed by her images flashing through my mind that i couldnt take it any more. i had to see her. Now.

i jumped out of my bed, grabbing a sweatshirt on my way. i hope i do not screw my chances with her, i thought as i opened my door, only to find a lock dangling on her door.

the disappointment that coursed to me, well i haven't felt so disappointed in a long while. i closed my door internally slapping myself for feeling so deflated. i cannot let that girl whom i barely know have this effect on me! no its not good for my health, i thought as i went back to my room and settled in my bed pulling the comforter to my chin.

The rational part of me knew i shouldnt get involved with her, but still her images did not stop coming back to my mind.

i sighed thinking how long it will she be the last person i think of before i go to sleep.

The next morning i felt ridiculously sad, among getting very little sleep last night and seeing that lock on her door yet again this morning, my day was only getting sadder.

okay so that was just an example of what should have-been there in between, no need to follow it. but just put something there so your readers can process the scene.


but anyways.. i will be waiting for you to update soon.


~DivergentDemigod

P.S.- i loved your work!