Hello hello! Happy RevMo! I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments of this novel, so I'll be looking at this chapter as a part of a greater whole.
To start with, I thought the flashback scene was super intriguing. I really love novels that have secrets or things a character is keeping hidden and then little pieces start to come together and then there's a big reveal at some point about what happened to the character. That's sort of what you have going on here. Obviously I'm not sure how much of this situation you've set up in previous chapters, but I'm guessing you intended this scene to be a sort of reveal about this MC and what happened to him and why he is the way he is. It was definitely an intriguing tale!
A couple of things:
The first paragraph, I'm assuming you're picking up right where the previous chapter left off and the reader would know where he is and who he's with. That's all fine. What was a little jarring to me was that we went from this tender moment of him thinking about this girl and how he feels and his fears, and then we go right into a flashback. The flashback is connected to what he's worrying about, but I would still like a bit more transition to lead me into the flashback. What triggers the flashback? Where is he when he slips into the flashback (sitting on his bed? looking out the window? pacing his room?) I'm glad that you differentiated the flashback by putting it in italics, but set it up a bit more.
The flashback itself was intriguing and there were many good character insights. My main complaint with the flashback was that I thought it could be a lot longer. You do a nice job showing us what's happening until around the time that Diana starts speaking and then you slip more into a telling role. I want to be teleported to this time and what is happening during this flashback. I want to know what he is seeing, feeling, thinking, smelling, hearing, the full experience. Slow this waaaay down.
As you slow things down, one thing you might want to play around with is whether or not you need to tell the entire story right now. I mentioned earlier that I love when there is mystery about a character and the author gives little clues and little pieces of information along the way and then we get this big exciting reveal. I know I'm not the only one, readers eat that stuff up! So what if you did that for this character? What if you gave us part of the story now and then keep giving us little pieces until bam, right at a critical moment in his relationship with this girl he likes we find out he killed his foster dad. I think people would lose their minds (in a good way).
I think the whole flashback could become it's own story line that you show us through flashbacks over the course of the novel. So maybe right now we could see a scene where the foster parents are being mean to him and what that's like. It would help us feel for this character and really understand his motive for killing this guy because we see first hand how bad it is for him. Maybe there's another flashback scene later on that show him trying to reach out for help at school and what the aftermath of that looks like at home. Etc. Think of it as its own story line to develop. What's the starting point? Where's the ending point (him killing the foster dad)? What are the key plot points along the way that will lead to him being angry enough to actually killing this guy? And what else should the reader see along the way to help develop that plot line?
I think if you beef the back story up that much, people will care about your MC and will feel for your MC even more. It'll also add to the suspense and the drama of the story because while he's trying to live his life and make something work with this girl (I'm guessing that's the major plot line?) there's this dark secret in his past that is going to slowly become illuminated. I don't know about you, but I drool over plots like that
And obviously you know this story and this plot the best. I don't know how much you've outlined or what all you have planned for this story, but this is just something I thought of as I was reading. If you don't like it or don't think it would work for the story you have planned, no worries at all!
I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! And if you need an ear to talk about plot or your plan for the novel or if you would like me to read more, just let me know and I'll do my best to help
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