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The Dying Sun [NOVEL] Chapter 7

by AllisonArgent


                                                  chapter 7

           It seems like I was not destined to get any sleep. Her face kept lighting up all the corners of my mind. I felt like a school kid waiting for a Sunday to come. The world that seemed dull and lifeless once seemed more vibrant now. With her, I felt complete. Her smile lighted my way when I was in darkness but would it still be there when she knew who I was and what I had done? Would she walk away and never turn back?

       My heart pounded just like the foot steps that were coming up the stairs. I held Sam closer and moved into the corner. Sam barked and then grew silent as he knew the door was about to flung open and something bad was going to happen.

           The large man, he stepped over me bringing darkness into my little corner. He said in his deep voice. "The social worker's coming, wear something nice to hide those marks on your arms." He left after slamming the door behind him. My hands still hurt from when he slammed me against a desk. It left a long blue mark.

              I went through my closet to find something long sleeved. I and Sam walked downstairs.

  " You know what to say to her don't you?" The women, Diana had spoken. Dianna and James decided to be my foster parents as they got money to raise me, but they used all the money and starve me. James had a few rules, food only once a day, you had to do all the chores and you can never tell anyone that he's beating you.

              Once he beat me so hard that I had a blue eye. The teachers at my school asked me what had happened and I said my foster dad had beaten me. They called the police but somehow he managed to get away and when we reached home he took his anger on Sam when he was only a puppy. Sam's the only thing that I ever had in my entire life and I didn't think of doing anything like that again to get Sam hurt but I just felt like I had enough, just enough.

 "You know, I am not scared of you." I took a step closer to James " I'm done, I'm done being your watch dog." 

   His face was inched from mine, he reeked of smoke." That dog will die if you open your mouth again." Something stopped me at that moment. I couldn't keep on doing this but I didn't want Sam hurt. He took a step backwards and Sam started barking at him.

 "SHUT UP" He screamed. Sam kept on barking. "I SAID SHUT UP!! " and he kicked Sam. Everything went silent for a moment until I realized Sam wasn't moving. I ran to him and took him in my arms and my eyes burned and blurred with tears. Sam was dead.

           "Stupid dog."James muttered under his breath. Anger flushed through my body and I could feel it burn.

 "YOU KILLED HIM!!!" I screamed at him.

 "YOU TOO WANT T..." He choked and fell to the ground. It took me a moment to realize what I had done. I was holding a bronze vase with blood dripping from it ends and where James laid there was a pool of blood.

   I didn't get away for self defense as James never attacked me and there was no one to support me. I was only fourteen so they send me to Juvenile and I got out at the age of twenty. Then Lockwood found me in the corner of a dumpster all covered in dirt and cold. He send me to college but memories, they kept haunting me. I kept getting into fights and all that anger was just a way to cover my sorrow. My parents they had left me to go through all hell and how could they expect me to still wait for them? that's when I stopped, all the waiting and hoping that one day they'll comeback and take me with them to a place where there was nothing to worry.

    


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Thu Sep 08, 2016 2:28 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Happy RevMo! I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments of this novel, so I'll be looking at this chapter as a part of a greater whole.

To start with, I thought the flashback scene was super intriguing. I really love novels that have secrets or things a character is keeping hidden and then little pieces start to come together and then there's a big reveal at some point about what happened to the character. That's sort of what you have going on here. Obviously I'm not sure how much of this situation you've set up in previous chapters, but I'm guessing you intended this scene to be a sort of reveal about this MC and what happened to him and why he is the way he is. It was definitely an intriguing tale!

A couple of things:

The first paragraph, I'm assuming you're picking up right where the previous chapter left off and the reader would know where he is and who he's with. That's all fine. What was a little jarring to me was that we went from this tender moment of him thinking about this girl and how he feels and his fears, and then we go right into a flashback. The flashback is connected to what he's worrying about, but I would still like a bit more transition to lead me into the flashback. What triggers the flashback? Where is he when he slips into the flashback (sitting on his bed? looking out the window? pacing his room?) I'm glad that you differentiated the flashback by putting it in italics, but set it up a bit more.

The flashback itself was intriguing and there were many good character insights. My main complaint with the flashback was that I thought it could be a lot longer. You do a nice job showing us what's happening until around the time that Diana starts speaking and then you slip more into a telling role. I want to be teleported to this time and what is happening during this flashback. I want to know what he is seeing, feeling, thinking, smelling, hearing, the full experience. Slow this waaaay down.

As you slow things down, one thing you might want to play around with is whether or not you need to tell the entire story right now. I mentioned earlier that I love when there is mystery about a character and the author gives little clues and little pieces of information along the way and then we get this big exciting reveal. I know I'm not the only one, readers eat that stuff up! So what if you did that for this character? What if you gave us part of the story now and then keep giving us little pieces until bam, right at a critical moment in his relationship with this girl he likes we find out he killed his foster dad. I think people would lose their minds (in a good way). :)

I think the whole flashback could become it's own story line that you show us through flashbacks over the course of the novel. So maybe right now we could see a scene where the foster parents are being mean to him and what that's like. It would help us feel for this character and really understand his motive for killing this guy because we see first hand how bad it is for him. Maybe there's another flashback scene later on that show him trying to reach out for help at school and what the aftermath of that looks like at home. Etc. Think of it as its own story line to develop. What's the starting point? Where's the ending point (him killing the foster dad)? What are the key plot points along the way that will lead to him being angry enough to actually killing this guy? And what else should the reader see along the way to help develop that plot line?

I think if you beef the back story up that much, people will care about your MC and will feel for your MC even more. It'll also add to the suspense and the drama of the story because while he's trying to live his life and make something work with this girl (I'm guessing that's the major plot line?) there's this dark secret in his past that is going to slowly become illuminated. I don't know about you, but I drool over plots like that :P

And obviously you know this story and this plot the best. I don't know how much you've outlined or what all you have planned for this story, but this is just something I thought of as I was reading. If you don't like it or don't think it would work for the story you have planned, no worries at all!

I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! And if you need an ear to talk about plot or your plan for the novel or if you would like me to read more, just let me know and I'll do my best to help :D






hey there. I would love it if u would read my other chap's and the up coming ones. It's been awhile since I've wrote this story and the flashbacks to me seemed like the main drawback that's why I didn't want it too long.



Carlito says...


Sounds good! I've added you to my list :)





thnx.



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Mon Sep 05, 2016 2:28 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Wow, that was intense.

I loved this part.

"YOU TOO WANT T..." He choked and fell to the ground. It took me a moment to realize what I had done. I was holding a bronze vase with blood dripping from it ends and where James laid there was a pool of blood.


It happens really quickly, and you never say direct things like "James was dead." You don't even actually tell us exactly what happened, which was so great. We knew what happened and it sort of made it creepier. But also sad, because we didn't feel bad at all that James was killed--I mean, we knew why the narrator did it, that it was sort of an accident, and I certainly felt like James deserved it not that I'm endorsing violence of any kind.

Although small notes on that matter.

1. Did the narrator have the worst lawyer ever? I know James hadn't directly attacked him at that moment, but he literally had a mark on him from where James had slammed him into the wall--proof of James' continual abuse, which would make the murder self-defense in MY mind--and also James had just killed his dog. How, HOW did James lose that case?

2. He says he got out of juvenile at age twenty, but considering legal age is 18 to the federal government, I'd assume he would either get out at 18 OR be transferred to an adult prison at 18. Although I have not looked this up, so you could be totally okay.

The only other comment I have is on the first paragraph. Well, most of the first paragraph.

It seems like I was not destined to get any sleep. Her face kept lighting up all the corners of my mind. I felt like a school kid waiting for a Sunday to come. The world that seemed dull and lifeless once seemed more vibrant now. With her, I felt complete.


It's just the sentence length. Most of these are the same length, which made the opening feel weird and grating and repetitive. You didn't have this problem for the rest of the chapter, so it's obviously not something you just constantly have a problem with, but it's something to be aware of. Sometimes it sneaks into my writing, too. So you just have to read it out loud when you edit so that you can hear when it sounds weird.






1.Let just say his lawyer was a really bad one.
2.I didn't really get to think about the second one so...

I'll think bout the sentence. if u would be so kind plz read the other chaps.



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Sun Aug 14, 2016 5:14 am



Awesome work bud! Waiting for the next chap :)





Anne felt that life was really not worth living without puffed sleeves.
— L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables